The kitchen knife slipped out of my hand and hit the frozen ground with a dull thunk. My heartbeat stuttered in my ears, the primal pounding that had spurred me to run when he grabbed that knife returning. I still had to run. They’d find me. It was a small town, his shop was popular. They’d miss him when dawn broke, and they’d follow the trail of blood.

And they’d find me.

Staggering, I ducked into the shadows of the forest, my steps heavy. Twigs and long-dead leaves cracked and rustled under my every step. Ice-wrapped branches rustled together on a ghostly breath of wind. It whispered past my ears, myriad soft, cold voices discordant.

They will come. For you. They will find you. You cannot escape.

Chest heaving, I stopped running, eyes darting wildly about for the source of the voices. But the forest was empty. Noiseless, aside from my labored breath. Tears pooled before spilling onto my cheeks, warm then chilled in the frigid night air. I wiped at them, my already-slick hands gliding across my bruised face.

Shelter. That’s what I needed. Shelter from the night. The eyes. The voices.

Everything would look better in the morning.

The wind picked up again, tousling my hair. You desire shelter, child? the voices asked again.

I had to be…either mad or imagining things, and yet... “Yes, I do,” I said, my voice achingly small and thick with tears.

The wind stopped, the air tingling with anticipation around me. I stood a little straighter, casting my gaze about the clearing I had stumbled into. We can provide. The winds picked up, spurring me to walk, to run. It was a miracle that I didn’t fall on the slippery, rotting leaves or trip on a felled tree or protruding root.

It carried me to the edge of the forest, sending me tumbling into the untouched snow of a familiar valley. Snow-cloaked mountains carved out the heightened horizon of the cloudy night sky. Ice frosted over the lake my mother and I had visited in summers of old. My gaze naturally fell on the island near the center of the lake. A carnival sat upon it, long since abandoned as the days and nights had turned cold.

The clouds above the lake shifted, the full moon’s light peering through the cracks. And when it fell on the carnival, my breath threatened to choke me.

Lights sparked and shone, glimmering with the promise of fun and whimsy. The machines whirred to life, rides starting to shift and move. The throaty call of a barker rang out in the night, beckoning me to my feet.

To step closer.

To join them.

I stopped in my tracks, shaking my head and stepping back. “I really must be mad.”

Do you not desire our shelter? Do you wish to be discovered? Are you not desperate, child?

My gaze flicked around at the invisible chorus of voices, my shoulders sinking as dread leadened my bones. “No, I am.”

Join us, then, they said, their voices hissing in my ears as the wind picked up again. Powdery snow blew in tendrils around me. Curling around my legs, wrapping around my wrists, dragging me toward the lake.

I couldn’t keep myself from tripping along. Nor could I make myself call out for help from the villagers. Even if one of them happened to wake at my yells, was I prepared to explain my current state?

The wind sent me skidding across the lake, with nothing for me to hold onto. Still, I scrabbled for purchase, but the wind didn’t allow me to fall as it hurtled me toward the shore.

There was no snow to cushion me as I rolled onto the ground. Just cold, packed earth. I pressed my forehead to the dirt, catching my breath before I dragged myself a few yards on all fours before I pulled myself to my feet.

The lights and smells and sounds of the carnival of my childhood greeted me. Intensified, though. The lights of the booths and food stalls and the torches lining the tent in the center glared and blinded me if I looked at them too long. The food smelled cloyingly sweet, yet irresistibly enticing. I lurched toward the closest stall, stopping as one of the other carnival-goers walked through me.

I stared after them, but they were already lost in the teaming mass of shimmering bodies. Spurts of light—such colors, I couldn’t have even named most of them—traced them all. As if a bubble encapsulated them.

“Can I help you?” came the quiet voice of the woman by the pot of oil. She met my confused gaze with hollow eyes and a too-wide smile. “Hungry, perchance?”

“Uh, yes, but…” My voice trailed off as another person walked through me. A child with an effervescent laugh. “I have no money.”

Her smile grew, her eyes unnervingly unblinking. “Worry not. There are other ways to pay, here.”

“How?”

She looked away, still smiling—it looked almost painful—as she pulled a stick of flaky dough from the pot of oil and drowned it in spiced sugar before passing it to me. “Enjoy.”

I took it from her, mouth mouth watering, yearning for a taste. “How do I pay?”

But when I looked up, she was gone. Blinking, I looked around, and without thinking, I ambled down the path and took my first bite. Warmth burst through me, my eyes closing in pure bliss.

Time passed without notice or thought, caught up as I was in the loud attractions of the carnival. The lights no longer hurt me, and I ate ravenously each bit of food that crossed my path. Night transposed into day, the sun peeking over the tips of the forest.

It shone right through me, and looking back, I cast no shadow.

I was nothing. Spirit, perhaps. The wind picked up again, carrying me along. Gently now. It whispered again, words of welcome, of comfort, of pure and unadulterated joy.

I whispered back, my voice blending into the chorus as we swept across the lake to the forest where my husband lay dead.

But that didn’t matter anymore.

that being said i do think the books are what trumps most other adaptations lmao. they just have The Range when it comes to interesting dynamics for her to cycle through; to name a few: bitter exes with geralt + being somebody's Great Love but also being desperately dysfunctional while being together and hopelessly Not Meant to Last + being ride or die for her adoptive ward + deeply antagonistic professional relationships with esteemed collegues while also being along for the ride in all-female club for political world domination.

And while the short stories have the focus on her relationship with geralt, so she is more love interest than coprotagonist as in the rest of the series, they do allow her complexities and dont recriminate her as most other fantasy would; like in the last wish she wants power and while she cant get it you dont see that dany argument of 'she was wrong to want it'; or when she entertains two relationships (one with geralt, the other with istredd) at the same time and then fucks off bc she got commitment issues lmao it doesnt become a big plot point later on of having to amend when geralt is pretty much a manwhore himself.

what i do have to say is that the more the actual series goes on, around book 3 out of 5, the scope moves from geralt and pals to the fate of the world is in the balance and she gets really de-prioritised in the face of other characters which is :////. tho admittedly i appreciate the series for having her be more a coprotagonist than a love interest in actual page time (she and geralt are together, as in not physically apart, for abt 2 books out of 5) and the rest of the time she has meaningful relationships with other ppl, mostly women too. (ie: ciri tissaia, philippa, fringilla, the rest of the lodge too to a lesser extent) while doing her own thing.

also i personally find the entire 'are they bound by fate and thats why they keep coming back or are they just, naturally, each other's IT regardless of the jinn' subtext the books have very appealing dhdbs

i think the games are second bc they just have problems when it comes to how they developed the trilogy. fhdhd mostly bc of triss tbh. like they dont mention yen AT ALL for two games, so when she does come around in the third, i feel like her standing as 'theeee Great Love of Geralts life' even if they are not together doesnt come across as well.

also, another problem coming from the framing of geralt as the protagonist is that yens role is tied to geralt and ciri and what they decide to do, thus limiting her interactions with other characters as well (not saying i was gunning for yen+philippa but yes). in terms of arc, im just not that much of a fan of the ending :/// i think it tried to be too much that conventional 'lets settle down with a house and occasionally the kids come to visit' that i dont think it suits her (or geralt) all too well. like i get that the world almost ending puts a spin on ones priorities but eh :( why be so conventional abt it

that being said they do get the spirit of the love of my life so they get a certain amount of points, and i do enjoy how they chose to tackle the entire the last wish redux quest bc either solution is actually a pretty interesting way to view the relationship

idk wtf the show is on abt tbh. like its so weird to see scenes i remember from the books but that either miss the punch of them all or seem to just Not Get It. like what is the point of introducing istredd, whose existence is tied to that one short story where he appears, if they do not plan to adapt the short story? especially since they planned on expanding yens role in the story with filler but they also decide to cut the few short stories where she appears? like make it make sense

also im extremely peeved bc the idea of showing her academy phase is good in theory, but in practice it doesnt seem to respect narrative economy. like, in theory, the academy phase could be 1) good setup for the rest of the lodge members (PHILIPPA, margarita, sabrina, sheila etc) and how they impact her as teachers/collegues but ??? the show is like why dont we get more istredd scenes (who is, I repeat, described by yen as a casual relationship, deeper for him than it ever was for her, and doesnt even appear in the main series). 2) good to juxtapose how she was taught and how yen then subverts those teachings when it comes to ciri as an apprentice.

and tbh I feel like s1 seems to focus on goals that, yes, she pursues to some extent but willfully missing how much it impacts her as a character. like yes, she does undergo the magical equivalent of surgery to remove her disability to fit a beauty standard fostered upon her, but tbh? it isnt the be all end all for yen in the books. it just isnt the part of her arc that is most relevant. same for the wanting kids part: she wants a cure for her infertility and it does impact her relationship with ciri but the 'baby fever' crazy is two short stories out of 7 books so :/