#ne.t

the painted skull of an unidentifiable animal glares at me, the withered roses behind it grinning; taunting. a colourful example in black and white, of death and inevitableness. it matches the paracetamol on my bed, matches the tiny glowing screen beside them. monochrome dreams. the bottle in my wardrobe isnt empty but its old, black mold growing on festered bitterness. the only colour is what runs in the veins of the creatures living in every shadow, every letter, every corner. its dripping down their jaw. red, red, red.

her hair is long and wavy and her smile is small and reminds me of something sad. its like she doesnt want to smile, or maybe she just isnt happy enough. i cant make her happy enough. her eyes are like a dream, her freckles like something so incredibly beautiful; she doesnt like herself, she tells me. i want to scream to the stars that she is, shes worth the world, and i think i gladly would give it to her. i dont, though. my mouth is glued together when shes around. her voice is comforting, and she smiles back at me. i know when shes around, her presence is suffocating me, like a perfume. i think, Oh, and my cheeks flush. shes the most gorgeous person i know.

we're ruining each other in a language neither of us understands; moving around the topic of loneliness; moving around each other.

her eyes got bleaker. she became calmer.

i dreamt of a girl in my bed and a parakeet in a cage above it. it used to be empty, but my mother wanted to rescue the parakeet (it had a broken neck). she loved it. i said that it only might survive, and she laughed and then we slept. something smelled like cigarettes. another night and shes there again. shes crying and asks me where the parakeet went. the cage is empty. my head isnt with me. she call me heartless. she claims that i told her it would survive, and she starts sobbing into her hands like i betrayed her. i told her i said it might. i couldnt smell any cigarettes.

oh all those star ridden skies you told me to think of you and ever since that day i wish that i will die

the problem with our friendship was that i were self destructive and you werent.