#ncmh

Hindi ko alam kung kanino ko pwede sabihin yung nararamdaman ko. I feel like I can’t tell it to anyone kasi everyone is dealing with so much already at this time. Kaya dito ko na lang isusulat, siguro makakatulong kasi somehow may mapaglalabasan ako.

Wala na ako work since Sept. 15 and I am the breadwinner of the family. I live with my lola, mom, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 2 cousins, 3 dogs and 3 cats. My mom is close to 60 years old and has a maintenance medication. My lola is at 85, experiencing symptoms of dementia / Alzheimer’s. She also has maintenance. One of my aunts, an angel. Been taking care for all of us since we are born. Cooks for us and all. My other aunt is working for the government. Probably a minimum wage earner and is fond of availing paluwagan / lending services. My 2 uncles, both schizophrenic (violent and noisy) and I think no type of medication can heal them. They’ve been in and out from NCMH for more than 10 years. 

I have a sister living with my other aunt in our small business store. I guess she is not seeing the big picture of how hard it is to live where I live because I see everything on a daily basis and I am constantly reminded that I need to get my shit together because these people are counting on me. I resigned from my previous job due to mental health issues. My job made me think less of what I am as a person. It is a sales position and I am pressured to get pass through metrics and all those KPIs. I would say I am someone who is creative and would want to pursue a source of income using those creative skills. Right now, I have a blurry idea of what I want to achieve. These past 2 days, I’ve been so tired yet I did not accomplish/able to do anything. I just want to fucking succeed and give my family all the good things in life. 

Help me God. Help me Universe.