Being Nonbinary is so odd because I just feel like I dont fit. It could be me. However, I dont want to gaslight myself. I see studs and butches posting about femmes and other studs. Which is beautiful, but I resonate more with the stud/butch 4 stud/butch side of things even though my mannerisms are femme coded. (Which ugh because people make fucking assumptions based on my mannerisms like fuck you and your heteronormitivity. We gay act like it. Im tired of trying to fit into perfect boxes within the gay community.) My aesthetic is neither butch nor femme its more nerdy anxious teenage boy/girl who wears tight jeans and shows off cleavage sometimes but 90% of the time she dresses like somebodies dad. I want to roughouse and be called your boifriend or popop if you nasty 😉 and have he used as my pronoun... sometimes. Sometimes, I want to feel like a princess and babied, pulled to the inside of the sidewalk. I also want to do something similar for you and make you feel taken care of, protected but im not your femme and never will be. Im not your stud really either no matter how much I long to fill that roll. Its not who I am, im literally the grey area. Its odd being in this body and experiencing it, ive felt like this since I was little and just now mid 30s am foguring it out. Im not conventionally attractive and im not ugly but most studs/butches/mascs have an aesthetic in their minds of the type of person they want to be with and I will never be either of those things for everybody or fit in those boxes. I know what I want, but idk how to express it. I am anxious, need attention and reassurance, in my head alot but I can be brass and aggressive sometimes. I am very independent and enjoy taking the lead on mental tasks giving you emotional security and being someone you can lean on. I am fairly submissive but in a I also want to fuck the shit out of you and you call me Daddy. There is a longing there that convinces me if I fix parts of myself ill get a glimpse of what I want. I dont want a glimpse so that can drive off a cliff and die because Im not performing anymore. Im not going to pretend to fucking be femme for attention and im sure as hell not going to pretend to be butch/masc even though I wish I did fully fit one of these roles to make life easier. So im at an empass. I find that the white gay community is less ridged about this and more expressive, but where are my poc people, and why aren't they screaming from the rooftops about nonbinary and genderqueer baddies. Idk it's odd to me. I get that aesthetics are one thing and you can't judge a book by its cover buuut stereotyes are stereotypes and yall cant convince me majority of yall not falling into that fucking pattern. Meh im done for now just wanted to vent.
