It was the only word her mind could think as it scattered about the images that blurred into her head to create a masterpiece of horror on a blank canas. Unfortunate her canvas was in her mind and it was nearly filled to the brim with everything she had ever witnessed or accompanied, and God forbid she did herself.
She was squeezing her firsts together tightly, then loosely let them return to normal, then again sheâd squeeze. She wasnât trying to warm her hands regardless of the heavy snowfall or the chill in the air that had to have been at least in the negative numbers.
Her attired had changed since she arrived, no long was she just the secretary but the right hand woman who went everywhere with Goeth, taking notes, giving people bad marks for things out of their control. She even had to stand in front of a large pit, watch crying men and women kneel, then get shot in the back of the head. Blood still peppered parts of her right cheek, maybe some smeared as she tried to rid herself of it. How was it that, as a nurse, she never knew how much blood would splurt out of a head?
She cited illness, cramps to be vulgar, and she had been dismissed. She walked down the stone walkway that had been made of headstones, a constant reminder as to what happened behind these...wire barbed fences. The cruelty of it all, like they were cattle, though they produced nothing but âheadaches, headaches, headaches,â Goeth would tout.Â
The gates were opened as her outfit had changed too, she now had medals, and a thicker wool skirt and jacket. She was now considered to be a high ranking official female Nazi that other women would salute. She refused to beat or torture those there, but she at least could throw shade and say it was not her duties. She  walked fast, so fast she could feel herself warming up, like her cheeks, but she had tears streaming down her face and chilling her.
She was shaking uncontrollably; was it the cold? Or was it the coldness of the Nazi party?
She finally made it back to the villa and slammed the door, throwing her jacket at a Jewish man, along with a riding crop as she looked around.
âWhere is he?â She demanded. âWhere is ObersturmfĂŒhrer Schneider? I need to see him immediately. Tell him Iâm in the study.â
âMaâam, he is out in the camps, I cannot-â
âDo not give me that! I need him now and you are going to find him. Send aletter, a pigeon, a goddamn smoke signal if you must. Iâm going to go set up drinks for us both and he best appear shortly or Iâll cut off the rest of what your Rabbi left behind!â