#nathar

My last blog post was in September. Uh. Kind of crazy, thinking about it now. I really have nothing better to do right now, so another blog post it is. 

I'm.... almost in shock. It's been 4 months since I've been in school in Texas, thousands of miles away from home. It's 2:30 AM right now as I'm writing this, and I actually feel pretty good. I'm right in the middle of finals right now, but I can get through this. I'm done with 2 finals, now only 3 more to go. If these go well, I'll end up with a 4.0 at the end of my first semester. I'm actually enjoying school, and being active, and starting off strong. I don't even know what happened. 

When I first got here, I was about ready to jump off a building and pause my life, or completely check out. 

Life moves on without caring if you're going to catch up or fall behind. And really, no one is going to care what you do with your life. You have to dictate your own life's worth through your actions. Making friends never hurts, either. 

However, I find it interesting how eager some people are to make friends here. It feels strange how quickly some people just cut off their old lives as if they're no longer important, and focus on everything new. 

Of course, making new friends is exciting and I'm quite happy and thankful for the friends I've made thus far, but do I value them more dearly than old friends of mine that I've known since I was 6? 

No. I really couldn't. And it's not just a matter of me being an asshole, it's just that those friendships mattered to me that much, and I still keep in contact with my best friends like that. 

It seems like everyone else is just replacing those people in their lives and thinking "Oh, these are now my bestest friends when I'm at college, but when I go back home, I have those different bestest friends". 

I really don't like that. It's basically like saying our friendship is only valid when geographically convenient, and whenever it's not, you're out of sight and completely out of mind. 

I'm not saying anyone wants to be compared to another all the time, but having that kind of attitude makes people seem fickle about their relationships, even though I know that's not their intention. Even as I say that, I hate the fact that I sometimes hesitate to give any kind of new friendship a chance because of this. However, friendship is an involuntary reflex that just kind of... happens. As important as friendships are, it’s important to know when to let them go, or when to cut out toxic people in your life. 

Something to think about. 

I think it just feels good to vent every now and then and talk about what's on your mind. 

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I don't even know who that said that quote, but I find it to be surprisingly true. Life is all about progress, but it's difficult to see that progress when everything you see seems to revolve around cycles - the cycle of life, graduating school just to go into more school, and then graduating from there just to end up in more school, and ending up with a family of your own to watch an entirely new generation grow up before passing on. 

My second month at college is nearly over now, and it's hard to believe that the time has passed by so quickly.

I went back and reread my blog post from my first week or so of college and dear god was I bitter as all hell. However, I honestly can't say that I'm happy about my current situation, but I think I've definitely reached a point of... acceptance?

I was the very very first of all my friends to leave for college and I felt so robbed. When I first got to school I literally thought of nothing else but everything that I'd left behind and the people who, in my mind, I knew I would or could never see again. And the great thing about college is that it's kept me too busy to dwell on any of that any longer. 

I feel.... very much a new person, I think. It's not about having fun all the time anymore. It really hit me after a while when I started talking more about what I'm doing with my future, and hearing other people talk about their future. Except it's real, it's not a goal set far off into the distant future, you can actually SEE people working towards their futures and their careers right in front of your very eyes. It's a bit of a shock because of how tangible it all is now. 

Music's just kind of been there my whole life, so I figured I'd just kinda fall into it and just eventually pursue music as an afterthought. Just do something with music and hope for the best. Now that I'm actually here in a music school it's changed basically everything. 

If I cared at all about what other people thought of me, or how much money I'd make throughout my life, I wouldn't be a musician. So uh, I guess this is where the fun part really starts. 

Now seems a good time as ever to make another blog post. My last one was fucking ages ago, so I'm not sure where exactly to start. Let's go with the simplest change I guess. 

I'm in college. Whoo. 

In a state some 1500 miles away from my home, surrounded by people I don't know, some of which I already hate, with barely any of my possessions with me. I'm not enjoying my first day here. 

I'm in college. Fuck. 

I've already made some of the best friends I'll ever have, it's a ridiculous shock to suddenly be thrown out into the middle of buttfuck nowhere (Texas) and be led like sheep surrounded by thousands of people while shoving down your throat the idea that you're an individual. 

Honestly, I'm not here to make friends, as sour as that sounds. I want to focus on my future, and all that will entail, which will be hours and hours of practicing everyday so that I can move on from this place for more school. 

That's really all the next 10 years are going to be about, really. Moving and moving and working without looking back and it's really quite a depressing prospect. 

I think I'll actually try to keep on updating this blog regularly from now on, and move these posts over to the main blog. I'll probably even be back tomorrow, which I'm......already not really looking forward too.

Growing up really does suck. It's unfortunate, but these things happen. 

tagged by: valeriadara

RULES: 

RULE ONE: ALWAYS POST THE RULES  RULE TWO: ANSWER THE QUESTIONS THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU ASKED AND WRITE 11 NEW ONES  RULE THREE: TAG 11 PEOPLE AND LINK THEM TO THE POST  RULE FOUR: ACTUALLY TELL THEM YOU TAGGED THEM

1. Favorite kpop boy group? BigBang 5 lyf

2. Favorite girl group? 2NE1

3. Who’s your bias wrecker? For guys, Yixing. That unicorn is dangerous. For gals, CL. For she is queen bitch of them all.

4. Favorite non kpop artist? Black Keys. Mmm can't go wrong with that Brothers album.

5. If you could hug any idol who would you hug? Jackson. I'd hug him so hard. SO HARD.

6. Which idol would you want to switch bodies with for a day? Amber. Not only is she perfect, she knows EVERYONE.

7. How long have you been into kpop? Pretty much since my freshman year of high school. The first video I ever watched was IU's Good Day.

8. Favorite drama? School 2013. That shit hits hard.

9. Favorite fanfic? I do not read fan fiction. ( Antegrade Tomorrow)

10. Books or movies? I think this is asking me to choose one, so I choose books.

11. Weirdest moment of your life? Don't you mean my whole life? Okay I guess I have one story. My family and I were getting back from a dinner out and we were just about to go in the house when these lights appeared in the sky. There were three of them in a row, so at first we thought it was a plane. But they were flying back and forth way too fast and there wasn't any engine noise. So basically my family is being watched by aliens. True facts. 

Ok, now my questions:

1. What do you consider your main fandom? 2. Any real-life crushes? If so, describe them. 3. Who is your biggest inspiration? 4. Favorite book? 5. If you were given a million dollars, what would you do with it? 6. Top 5 people on your zombie apocalypse team from your folllowers? 7. Ninja weapon of choice? 8. Best first date? 9. Top 5 places you want to live? 10. First Kpop video? OR favorite music video?

always post the rules

answer the questions and write ten new ones

tag twelve people and link them to the post

actually tell them you tagged them

So I was tagged for both of these question sets by the wonderful nathar. So here are my answers!

Set  #1:

1.      What did you want to grow up to be when you were a kid? 

I definitely wanted to be a paleontologist. Dinosaurs are cool as shit.

2.      What is your useless talent / skill that you can do?

I can flip my eyeballs around with my eyes held open! It’s rather disgusting actually.

3.      What fictional world would you most like to live in? 

It’s not exactly a world in itself, but the wizarding world from Harry Potter

4.      Would you rather: fight 10 duck sized bears that can fly around OR a bear sized cockroach which against all laws of nature can support the weight of simply being a bear sized cockroach and is quite deadly. Explain your decision and if you choose the cockroach, you get Captain America’s shield. 

10 Duck-sized bears. Cockroaches are freaky as shit.

5.      If you could go back in time to the start of high school, what advice would you give your past self? 

Don’t let people you care about manipulate you. Stand up for yourself and do what you think is best for you, not what will make someone else happy.

6.      What is your guilty pleasure? (Be honest) 

Reading really shitty romance novels. Like the kinds with lots of steamy sex scenes.

7.      How much of your time do you spend on Tumblr? 

Definitely not as much as I used to. Maybe like a couple hours a week.

8.      Who did you last talk to, and about what? 

I last talked to my sister. She was telling me about how adorable her boyfriend is.

9.      What is your one biggest pet peeve, that would make your life a living hell if you had to deal with it all the time? 

People who have no idea what they’re talking about, yet insist that they do. UGH.

10. What is the most ridiculous thing on your bucket list, if you have one? (And if you don’t have one, go ahead and think of something that you’d like to do or experience before you die)

               I really want to one day complete an Iron Man.

Set #2:

1.      What is superpower of choice and are you a hero or villain? 

Misunderstood mermaid villain, with the superpower to control the ocean.

2.      You’re on a plane that’s about to crash, but you have time for 2 phone calls, who would you call, and what would you say to them? 

My family, as number one, to tell them that I love them and to not be sad that I’m gone, but be happy that I had been there… and number two would probably be some other person that I love and to say basically the same thing.

3.      What’s a secret that most people don’t know about you? 

I’m a pretty open person, but I had a breast cancer scare a few years ago, which I haven’t told very many people about. I don’t like talking about it because it ended up just being a few cysts, and it really wasn’t that big of a deal.

4.      What music are you listening to right now? 

Nothing, really. I’m enjoying a little silence.

5.      Would you rather: fight a baby that has hulk powers and grows to the size of a regular human but with half of the Hulk’s powers and a baby face, OR Mike Tyson with Wolverine claws BUT they’re not adamantium and you get a suit of armor. For some reason. 

I think both would end up killing me, but I’d say the baby hulk, because I’d probably laugh at Mike Tyson, and he would just get more bloodthirsty.

6.      Who is / are your idol(s) and why? 

Jennifer Lawrence. Because she’s Jennifer Lawrence. Do I really need to explain myself here?

7.      What is one food that you can’t live without? 

Probably cheese. It’s my main source of calcium, so if I didn’t eat it, my bones would probably shatter.

8.      What is your greatest weakness? (In any field, school, other talents etc) 

I put others before myself way too often, which gets me hurt.

  9.      How much time do you think you spend on the computer weekly? (and how much of that time is wasted because you should be doing something else?) 

Maybe 8 hours and 7 of those are spent doing what I shouldn’t be doing. Haha.

10.  What is your biggest irrational fear? (Don’t be shy now. Mine’s styrofoam) 

There's nothing to do. It's fucking 3 AM on a Friday, and I'm just not ready for school. Nothing to do. Nothing but Tumblr, really. And cooking shows. God I love Kitchen Nightmares. Cooking shows are my guilty pleasure, they're the best things ever. Sigh. There's never really a time when I just do this sort of thing for the hell of it, I only go onto this blog and write something when something's bothering me. And by the whiskers on my chinchilla, am I fucking bothered. Ranty rant incoming. If you've never seen one of my rants before, I suggest you turn away now. 

I generally like keeping things that are bothering me vague just for the simple sake of privacy of my friends and because if it really matters, I'll remember it later, and if I can't pick up what I'm saying later, it must've not been very important. But I know exactly what I was thinking and what kind of emotional state I was in whenever I read old blog posts on tumblr or journal entries of mine where I detail out I'm feeling at that particular moment, and generally, it's fucking ugly and embarrassing. No one likes dwelling in the past and remembering things they'd rather not, but on the other hand, it's kind of necessary at times, because through those kind of experiences, you grow and you better yourself as a person. I wouldn't be who I am today, if I didn't have to go through a whole bathtub of shenanigans that I can't stand to think about today.

People come and go in our lives. That's just how life is, through various circumstances, and whatnot. You'd think that you'd get used to it, but it's still scary how suddenly someone who meant so much to you and you cared for suddenly disappears, or conversely, how someone you never even knew existed can suddenly pop up in your life and just completely take your breath away. 

On the first matter, it kind of sucks just having someone drift away from you and being able to see that you're drifting away from each other, until eventually there's nothing left but either acceptance or bitterness. I'm more of a sour person, myself, I see the good in these people, I logistically see no reason to hate those I used to be close with, but that doesn't stop me from wanting fuck-all to do with them. All that's left are useless memories, wasting so much time on getting to know a person and then having them up and disappear on you, whether they be a significant other or a best friend of yours, it brings up useless information when passing by a certain place about that being that person's favorite spot, or the place of your first kiss, or just a really good memory. What the fuck am I supposed to do with these leftover memories? 

When you go through that process, you then begin to question what YOU mean to the people around you. And quite frankly, I'm not quite sure what my friendship is worth to the people around me, and what they think of it. I shouldn't care, but it does matter in a way, and I can't stand not knowing something, but I can't expect an honest answer all the time, and I fucking despise being lied to, so I don't have the heart to ask. 

I love losing me some followers. On either of my blogs, really. I don't mind, I think it's pretty funny what little attention I gather from other people, but it's nice, in a way. 

I was tagged in a thing! Now I do the thing! YAY THING

Rule 1: Always post the rules

Rule 2: Answer the questions the person who tagged you asked and write 11 new ones

Rule 3: Tag 11 people and link them to the post

Rule 4: Actually tell them you tagged them

Tagged by: kowai-bubbletea ^.^

Questions:

Any religious beliefs? I don't really associate myself with any one religion but I still consider myself a spiritual person. 

What you wanna be when you grow up? Actor, musician, producer, dancer...RENAISSANCE WOMAN

Ever want to live in another country? SO MUCH YES

If so, where? If you don’t then why not? France, S. Korea, MAYBE Japan, definitely UK

Favorite vegetable? Rainbow carrots NOMNOM I AM A GUINEA PIG

Favorite fruit? Mango. Mangomangomangomango

Tea or coffee? Argh both! It depends on the time of day honestly but I love both to death

Favorite hobby besides tumblr? (lol) WRITING. Nanowrimo anyone?

Do you prefer watching anime eng sub or dub? Oh god sub of course. Hearing American women try to make kawaii-girl sounds is just so unnatural...

Do you read manga or fanfiction? hehe Yes...what. WANNA GO

Favorite ice cream flavor? Cookie dough -- lifelong favorite!

AHA OK MY QUESTIONS NOW

What is your favorite pokemon? If you don't have one, make one up.

Top three novels/books, in no particular order:

Hats or scarves?

If you could have three objects with you on a desert island, what would they be?

How many people have you complimented today?

What was your dream job when you were 5?

How tall are you? (idk take an easy one)

What did you wish for the last time you made a wish on something? (candles, eyelash, etc.)

Relationship status? If you like someone, what do you like about them?

Favorite color? (running out of ideas)

Ok and here's the evil kicker: Star Wars or Star Trek?