#natchie

i shall start with a christmas ask game (yes i know it’s january 28th) created by none other than archie’s husband

1. Their favorite Christmas tradition

I think for Archie it has to be baking christmas cookies. He loves doing it even if it’s just him, but especially doing it with the people he loves. He takes the decorating process way too seriously (this may or may not be inspired by my real life) and all the bois pitch in and reginald’s are always disturbing but annoyingly delicious and dorian’s are always a little goth and octavius’s are fabulous and archie keeps telling him that louboutins are not a christmas item but octavius insists that since he asked for them for christmas they should count, and archie loves him so he lets it slide. Eustace very carefully decorates and does his best and every time you eat one you can tell it’s full of love. Jasper wants everything to be as colorful as possible and he covers them in sprinkles. And nathaniel, lovely nathaniel, can’t decorate for shit but he just has fun with it and laughs the whole time and that makes archie’s chest feel tight for reasons he can’t explain until later. And then Archie and Nate finally start dating and during their first Christmas, aside from the bois cookie night, they do one of their own and Archie shows Nate how to decorate the way he does and Nate can’t quite get there but he’s following each direction with fervor and they look pretty good and he’s so proud of himself and Archie sneaks mistletoe into the kitchen and kisses him and now they do it every year, and every year Nate gets a little better. And eventually they have kids and they join the tradition (even the annual cookie decorating night with the bois), and Cam is fantastic at cookie decorating and Ben eats the dough and Archie swats him teasingly with a wooden spoon every time and Evie mixes icing colors cause she’s great at art and Nate washes dishes and makes a valiant effort and they dance around the kitchen and sing christmas music playing from Archie’s phone and he smiles the whole time and every year, he pulls out the mistletoe and kisses his husband and the kids go from thinking it’s cute to thinking it’s gross and embarrassing and all the way back to thinking it’s adorable when they’re old enough and one year Evie snaps a picture of it and it’s on the Christmas card the next year. Christmas is his favorite time of the year, and cookie days just feel like this magic untouchable place where he’s with his family and doing what he loves and to him, it is Christmas personified.

2. Their favorite Christmas song

It’s very hard to narrow down, so I’ll give a top three: All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey, Last Christmas by Wham!, and Mary Did You Know by Pentatonix.

3. Their least favorite Christmas song

This will not come as a shock, because well... I’m Archie. It’s Michael Buble’s version of Santa Baby. He loves most of Michael’s Christmas music, but in his words, Michael Buble “needs to man up and be willing to fuck Santa or don’t bother singing the song.” He just made it weird by having it be Santa Buddy and Santa Pally. And Archie loves this song. He tweets Michael Buble about it every Christmas, begging him to erase it from existence.

4. Their general feelings about Christmas

Archie goes feral for Christmas. He loves everything about it. Fun, family, love, festivity, good music, good food, an excuse to bake 24/7, baby Jesus, buying presents, getting presents. Archie prides himself on being the Christmas Bitch. He’s especially fantastic at gift-giving.

5. Their favorite Christmas treat

Octavius’s homemade pizelles dipped in spiked hot chocolate.

6. The best gift they ever received

When Evie is like 20, she gives him a scrapbook for Christmas. It’s filled with pictures of Archie, Nathaniel, the kids, and the other bois over the years. Every page has Taylor Swift lyrics that relate to the images and stories, as well as messages she’s written and cute captions. In addition to pictures, there’s little mementos like ticket stubs or receipts or notes she’s collected from her dad and her aunts and uncles and scattered throughout the book are cutout lines from a printed out version of the poem he wrote for his and Nathaniel’s anniversary. Archie cries for like 3 hours.

7. The worst gift they ever received

One year, Jessica gets him in the PTA secret santa, and she gets him a few workout shirts and an expensive bottle of red wine. He’s so offended. To an outsider, this may seem like a nice gift, but it’s very clear that she got him the shirt because she disapproves of his crop tops. And she knows full well that he doesn’t really like red wine. He’s a white wine bitch. She knows. It’s been discussed.

8. The best gift they ever gave

He likes to joke that the best gift he’s ever given is the supplementary bundle of “free sex” coupons he gave to Nathaniel their first Christmas together (he also got him a fluffy bathrobe, a playlist of songs that remind him of nate, an anthology of queer writing and letters from historical figures, and a trip to color me mine, don’t worry). But the real best gift he ever gave was years later, when they’ve been married for 5 years. He surprises Nathaniel with a trip to New York, where he’s also gotten them tickets to a revival of Hamilton, they go on a tour of diner breakfasts, and then have a shopping and spa day. And then he has them get dressed up but Nathaniel doesn’t know why and after they go to a fancy dinner, he takes Nathaniel to the Woolworth building on Broadway (where the ball scene from Enchanted takes place), and the whole place has been rented out there’s the actual singer from the movie and they slow dance in the romantic lighting to So Close (their wedding song) and it’s endlessly romantic and both of them are crying a lot little.

9. The worst gift they ever gave

No. Archie has never given a bad gift in his life.

10. How they decorate their house

dude. DECK THE FUCKING HALLS. There are two trees. One is picture perfect and looks straight out of a hallmark movie, and the other one is covered in popcorn strings and tacky ornaments from movies and shows and homemade ones by the kids and Ben always puts too much tinsel on it and Cam eats the candy canes so it’s a little wonky and that one is not-so-secretly Archie’s favorite. Beautiful wreaths on the doors and windows outside. Beautiful real-looking garland and berries and red ribbon and little bells decorate the banisters and staircases. There are lights everywhere. Christmas paintings. Outside is decked the fuck out in lights of all colors, he loves the icicles, no blow ups, but he does get a moving reindeer made of lights, and it’s a whole winter wonderland. Lots of seasonal scented candles. White lights on the mantle. Always a fire burning in the fireplace. A beautiful handmade and well-lit nativity scene. Cinnamon scented pinecones everywhere. Santa, reindeer, and snowman figures are in a lot of places. He puts mistletoe above every doorway, molding, entryway, high cabinet, or anywhere he can hang it because the man loves love and he wants as many excuses as he can get to kiss his husband.

11. Their favorite Christmas memory

On Evie’s first Christmas, she gets all fussy and cries a lot while they’re at Octavius and Dorian’s for Christmas Eve and so they go home early and they put her to bed but it’s only like 8pm. So they have their own end to the night and it’s just them in their pajamas, watching The Holiday and Love Actually while drinking tea and they just cuddle up under a blanket. Archie gives Nate forehead kisses and they fall asleep curled up on the couch halfway through The Year Without a Santa Claus. And he wakes up and Nate isn’t there anymore and he finds him holding Evie in her rocking chair humming Christmas songs to her and he just watches from the doorway until Nate finally looks up and smiles at him. And then they get everything ready cause everyone they know is coming to their house for Christmas and Evie wears an adorable Christmas onesie and they all open presents but. Those like 12 hours. Cuddling with Nathaniel and watching christmas romcoms and waking up to see his husband rocking their beautiful baby daughter to christmas songs. Yeah. That one’s his favorite.

12. Their least favorite Christmas memory

When he was like 12 (back in the regency days) he got sick on Christmas and couldn’t go to any of the events or parties and he hated it. But other than that,,, there’s a reason Christmas is his favorite time of year. It’s magic for him.

13. if/Where they travel for the holidays

Nah. He always stays home. He’s the Christmas Hostess With The Mostest. Always home for Christmas. He, Nathaniel, and the kids do go to Disney World for the week before/including New Year’s one year though.

14. Who they spend the holidays with

Obviously: Nathaniel, Octavius, Dorian, Reginald, Jasper, Eustace, Tyler, (and eventually) Evie, Ben, and Cam, and Eustace and Tyler’s kids. Gigi, Chloe, Jackie, and Liza, switch off every year whether they’re with family or the bois. Lynn and Suzanne always come to Christmas Eve and stop by on Christmas day before going to see their families. Every once in a while, Reginald brings a Doug who had nowhere else to go.

15. All of their Christmas traditions (not just their favorite XD)

jesus. well some have been listed. Cookies, decorating, hanging mistletoe fucking everywhere. he starts listening to Christmas music on November 1st. Snowball fight with the whole crew. Snowman contest with the whole crew. Getting drunk and watching Hallmark/Netflix Christmas movies. Making cinnamon rolls for christmas morning. wearing an entire christmas wardrobe in the month of december. Christmas treats at the bakery. Looking hot at Nathaniel’s work Christmas party. Wrapping presents for weeks after the kids go to bed. Making the world’s best hot cocoa. Bugging Octavius for his pizelle recipe (he won’t give it up). tweeting one direction and begging them to reunite for a Christmas album. Rewatching all the holiday seasons of the Great British Bake Off. Making roast for Christmas dinner. Making mulled wine at some point. Game day with the crew the day after Christmas. Writing Nate a poem every Christmas they’re usually really bad . eating one candy cane per season out of obligation and then going back to his hatred of mint. buying a million seasonal items at Bath and Body Works. watching It’s a Wonderful Life with Nathaniel on Christmas Eve Eve. Dressing his kids in christmas pajamas. That’s all I can think of for now.

i probably should be doing homework or sleeping but nah ARCHIBALD Q PEMBERTON

his favorite Taylor Swift song is Cornelia Street

his ringtone for Nathaniel is Fireproof by One Direction

his ringtone for Octavius is Wannabe by the Spice Girls

his ringtone for Reginald is the audio of that video of the screeching grinch in yoga class

his favorite Bath and Body Works scent is Champagne Toast

he is super rich but still does not understand the concept of super expensive wine like please just go to wegmans for white wine

he, too, has a never-ending powerpoint proving that Larry is real

he’s like... weirdly good at cornhole

when ben was like 3 archie accidentally taught him the word “fuck” and he had to pay him $5 to pinky promise he wouldn’t say that word anymore (he of course says it anyway)

sometimes he wakes Nathaniel up in the middle of the night just to ask if cereal is a soup

he has beautiful handwriting

one time the bois were going out to a nice dinner (this was before he had confessed how he felt to nathaniel) and he saw nate dressed up in a suit and he looked so good that archie straight up pretended to throw up not six minutes after arriving at Octavius’s to meet before leaving because he couldn’t take it, he needed to go home, and of course Nate offered to go with him and he is immediately like NO NO I’LL BE FINE YOU HAVE TO GO and then he calls gigi and she comes over and they listen to taylor swift and talk about how hot nathaniel is and drink wine right out of the bottle

he makes and fills out a march madness style tournament bracket for every season of the bachelor/bachelorette

he was on step 23 of a 64-step plan to propose to Nathaniel when Nathaniel did it first

he has not one, not two, but three wedding binders, and he makes a fourth once he and Nate get engaged

he loves harry styles more than anything in the world but somehow Louis is still his favorite member of one direction. he’d die for him in an instant.

despite being hopelessly in love with nathaniel and basically impervious to all other people, he is still a raging bisexual. never forget.

if you try to talk to him while he’s watching pirates and the carribean: the curse of the black pearl, he will punch you in the throat (unless you’re nathaniel, in which case you can really get away with anything you want)

he plays the piano but cannot figure out the guitar

he sends shirtless selfies from bed and other thirst traps to Nathaniel on snapchat all day long but Nathaniel just sends back regular selfies and they affect Archie even more than his affect Nate lol

he reads Red, White, and Royal Blue for the first time and talks about nothing else for an entire month. he gets the bois and the gals to read it too. He reads it like every two months at least.

if you find him laying face down on the living room carpet while If I Could Fly by One Direction is playing on repeat, do not interact. he’s goin through something.

He has both Mamma Mia movies memorized word for word, complete with choreography

sometimes he remembers how poorly marilyn monroe was treated and he gets so angry that all he can do is rant and he has to smash something

he cannot pass by a face painting station at any festival, carnival, amusement park, or fundraiser without stopping and getting a giant butterfly on his face

he has 17 tabs of fanfiction open on his phone at any given moment

on their first wedding anniversary, nathaniel recreates the date Ben did for Leslie on their first anniversary on parks and rec, and Archie can’t stop crying and laughing and yes he is very impressed with Nate’s emerging scrapbook skills

after his kids are born, he can no longer listen to Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift without full on sobbing (ps he and evie use this song as their father-daughter dance at her wedding)

his favorite color is yellow but it’s also the shade of green of Nathaniel’s eyes

he thinks that the different colored m&ms taste different

he has an embroidered jean jacket like elton john’s and it’s his favorite thing in the world. octavius made it for him for his birthday one year.

kind of all of them but something inside me is saying it’s octavius? @harps-for-days can you confirm or deny?

2.) Most likely to break something?

obviously Reginald

3.) Most likely to steal something?

Octavius

4.) Most likable character to others?

ooooh. that’s tough. I think (no offense) it’s definitely not Reginald or Dorian. Reginald is insane and Dorian can be scary. I think people kind of wish they were Octavius but he can also be a lil intimidating and jealousy plays a part so some petty bitches probably hate him. I think Jasper can be kind of quiet and standoffish at first so he doesn’t always leave a lasting impression until you have a full conversation with him, which is when people realize he’s great. I think people generally like Archie but he can be like A LOT, so I wouldn’t say him, but he is definitely well-liked, and unless you’re a PTA bitch named Jessica, he is desperate for you to like him. But for most likeable, I’s say it is probably down to Eustace or Nathaniel. Eustace is kind and lovely and a little snarky when you get to know him and Nathaniel is so sweet and sarcastic and funny but terribly genuine at the same time and let’s be perfectly honest: he’s a himbo. I’d give the edge to Nathaniel, but it’s possible that I’m biased.

5.) Least likable character to others?

my first instinct here was reginald but like... I don’t think so. I think though Reginald is strange as fuck, we’ve discussed that people eat that shit up. Reginald is like human Gritty. I want to guess that it would be Dorian because he just does not give a fuck what anyone thinks. And I know the people on the HOA hate him, so. And that’s not to say people don’t love Dorian, he’s the best and I love him and so do lots. But I feel like he causes the most beef. My only other thought is the way basic blonde bitches who were bullies in high school probably hate Octavius (but secretly want to be his best friend) because he wears heels and skirt better than they do. Stay mad about it.

6.) Most talkative character?

Archibald. Quincy. Pemberton.

7.). Least talkative character?

dude they’re based on us and literally none of us ever shut up. Maybe Dorian? Eustace?

8.) Most likely to set something on fire?

how is this even a question. Rabbit Boi himself, Reginald Worthington.

9.) Who would/does own the most pets?

I think it’s Nate and Archie? They have four dogs at one point. Though I would not be surprised to find out that Reginald has an entire condominium simply filled with exotic birds that squawk furiously at him every time he shows up. 

10.) Most manipulative character?

oh god. Dorian? He technically manipulated everything and made the bois show up in 2020 to get out of marrying someone, and he’s the kind of guy who will do whatever it takes to get what he wants (read: he will do whatever it takes for Octavius or any of the bois or to spite bigots and the patriarchy) and we RESPECT it

11.) Most artistically talented?

i mean, archie can decorate baked goods and cakes so beautifully, but I’m gonna give this one to the obvious choice: Octavius Sinclair

12.) Which characters hate rain, and which love it?

I actually think all of them like rain? They’re largely (sometimes) depressed gays or otherwise very immature so like? For example, Reginald loves the rain because it’s sort of chaotic and also he likes to splash in puddles. Jasper likes the excuse to stay inside all day and work on writing or something. Eustace likes to pretend he’s in a sad music video while watching the droplets go down the window. Octavius likes to force Dorian to reenact the first proposal scene from Pride and Prejudice. Dorian likes to light candles and he loves thunderstorms (so does Octavius btw). Archie likes to drag Nate outside for kisses in the rain while playing Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift, and then bake all day. Nathaniel likes being dragged out for kisses in the rain and he loves drinking coffee and then switching to tea in the rain and reading on a window bench. They are all rain bitches, sorry not sorry.

13.) Which character is the hoarder?

Reginald is definitely the worst about this, but I also think Octavius cannot go to an antique store or estate sale without buying at least four things, and Dorian does the same thing with any sort of vintage weaponry or armor, so their household isn’t great about it either.

14.) Sweetest couple?

Natchie. No this isn’t bias, it’s just a fact okay? They are the sweetest!!!!

15.) Who loves reading the most?

Nathaniel. fuckin nerd.

16.) Who has the worst sweet tooth?

Archie. I mean, the man is a baker and he’s also me. So.

17.) Best and worst kissers?

LMAOOOOO okay.... so here’s the thing. I think kissing and level of skill comes into play to a certain degree, but past a basic level of acceptability, it’s mostly about compatibility? but I’ll give this a go in terms of what I think would be pure skill

from worst to best: Jasper, Reginald, Eustace, Octavius, Nathaniel, Archie, Dorian (once you get to Octavius, you’re at a fairly elite level of kisser though so the differences are marginal. but Dorian and Archie are the biggest hoes so they know what the fuck they are doing)

18.) Best and worst cooks?

from worst to best: Dorian, Reginald, Jasper, Nathaniel, Eustace, Octavius, Archie

19.) Who is afraid of the dark?

Jasper

20.) Most likely to fall asleep on their job?

I honestly only remember what Nathaniel, Archie, and Eustace’s jobs are for sure? and it’s none of them. But Reginald. MAYBE Jasper.

21.) Most commonly found drunk?

Octavius and Archie (often together)

22.) Strongest/most powerful character?

well, Dorian’s got some witchy stuff goin on which I love, but if we’re talking physical strength I like to think that Nathaniel is secretly jacked like Chidi on the Good Place lmao

23.) Most likely to be found in a coffee shop?

Nathaniel. This bitch drinks so much coffee, I swear. Plus he likes to grade papers there sometimes.

24.) Most clumsy character?

Jasper

25.) Most trustworthy character?

“You’re blocking the view”

“I am the view”

*smiles* “you know what, you’re fucking right hope you don’t mind if I just sit here and stare at you”

“Babe, while you’re in there, can you get me a snack?” *nathaniel comes back empty handed* “where’s my snack”

“I’m a snack”

*eyes bugging out of his head* “okay yes I am I STARVING baby”

“I’m sick of being an adult today. I just want to do something stupid”

“I’m something stupid, do me”

*literally faints*

“God is it really hot in here or is it just me?”

“Actually, it’s me!” *winks*

*smiles and checks out nate* “yeah that checks out. Better take off this shirt to cool down oops”

“Babe didn’t you say you were gonna do the dishes this morning”

“Yeah but then I decided I’m too pretty to do chores today”

“..... I mean you’re not WRONG, but that excuse isn’t gonna work again tomorrow”

*just walked in* “Whatcha up to?”

*grading a stack of papers with his glasses halfway down his nose and chewing on the cap of a red pen* “hot girl shit”

*takes one look at nate* “Jesus fucking Christ you are so right”

“So tell me about your new students this year”

“Apparently they’re all in love with me. Can’t say I blame them. I’m the hottest teacher there”

*sweating* “You’re the hottest teacher anywhere baby”

“How was evie’s swim class?”

“Oh, the usual. Cute kids in floaters, moms ogling my rockin bod in my swimsuit, you know how it is”

“Yes yes I DO know”

“Sometimes you’re like actually the dumbest person I know”

“Yeah but it’s okay cause I’m hot”

“Fuck yeah”

“Sometimes Archie gets mad at me but he gets over it really quickly because he remembers how pretty I am, isn’t that right, darling?”

“Absolutely. 100% true story.”

“God really did us a favor with baseball pants. He looks GOOD out there”

“Not as good as I’d look in them”

*turning to Nate, eyes wider than ever* “are you serious please tell me you’re serious PLEASE”

“What are you doing in there?”

“Admiring how great I look in this new suit”

“... can I join you”

“Cam just told me you said something about maybe growing a beard?!?!?!”

“Yeah but I don’t think the world is ready to handle how good I’d look so I’m gonna hold off till the economy is stable”

“... how the FUCK do you think it’s possible for you to get any more attractive”

*nate does grow beard* “I mean, yeah, I look like a total dilf, I don’t know how you resist me”

*already kissing him* “I DON’T, you handsome motherfucker”

Anyway thats what I’m thinking about

and archie just falls a little more hopelessly in love with his husband every single time they do it, he loves his little concentration face, and the fact that he’s acquired a whole rainbow collection of nail polish colors, and how hard he tries not to laugh when evie paints his toenails even though archie knows how ticklish his feet are, and sometimes, archie will chip his nails on purpose or use a cleaning solution that’s too strong when he’s cleaning the bakery so that he’ll need new paint before their whole-family every-two-weeks nail session, just so he can have one of those quiet moments with the love of his life, sitting cross-legged on their bed while the kids are asleep, with Nathaniel painting his nails and it always feels a little like that first time after Archie realized how he felt, like he’d be content to just sit here and love this man forever and ever and do nothing else

oh look i yearned