#nataliebby

Blue with a hint of shimmer,

Against a background of flowing golden.

Blue like the sky,

Full like the sea.

Windows into a soul more priceless than the Crown Jewels,

The soul of a human who came like a theif in the night and stole my heart ever so gently, someone who bypassed all my walls and defenses with such ease and grace.

With eyes as blue as the sea and a smile that pierced my core, an arsonist of emotion who woke the slumbering passion within.

With eyes vast and bright like the sky, she introduced love into my life and enlightened me to a most pure and genuine form of the experience, one i will chase for the rest of my days.

Eyes that flow from mountain streams and shine like lost cavern crystals. She found me broken and comforted me when no one else could,, healed me with soft words and softer kisses, claimed reign over my heart with a simple act of genuine kindness.

Youve stolen my heart and i begl you to keep it close to yours, so when the time comes I can look into your eyes and get lost in the infinite depth they contain.

The reverb of every explosion in the sky is a direct metaphor for what my heart does at the sound of your voice. The illumination of the sky is the reaction my eyes have at the sight of you.

You can hate me, curse my name, spit in my face. But that doesnt change the fact that i write poetry about you every night. Won't change the fact that my heart leaps out of my chest at my every thought of you.

Doesn't change the fact that i should have let you be while i figured my own demons out, i should have distanced myself, cut you loose rather than cut you down.

Nothing changes what ive done.

But nothing takes away from the truth that i am getting healthy, i am clean, have been since we last spoke, but that i also needed to lose what mattered most to me in order to see how toxic i was, that was you, you were the most important investment in my life.

Whether we interact again or never, nothing will take away from the hard truth that my feelings are always genuine and i never lied about my desire to chase you alone, but i also couldnt shake my crutch, i was weak, pathetic, immature. A fucking child.

So, please, if it in any way brings you peace, hate me.

But you should know that, your name is forever etched onto my soul.

And when you look my way, then youre going to see the fruits of all this pain become beauty in my life, of which the door to is always unlocked for you.

But i wont try to contact you, i wont bother you, i wont ever invade your life again. I had my chance and i fucked it up, something i will mourn over for life.

Chasing a life i understood was a possible reality. I am worth saving, i am worth life.

The beginning of 2017 was by far the best time of my life.

Knowing that i can live a life ablaze with love, warmth, and experience is what keeps me clean, keeps me working every damn day at healing. At becoming whole.

I smile at my track marks because the experience of extreme addiction is what birthed this perspective.

If i can live in hell, then by golly i can create heaven within my soul.

Since september, ive been living this way, through homelessness, recovery, loving myself, and loving those who invest in me directly and indirectly, i do this for us.

I live a life on fucking fire, because theres no room for lukewarm in this heart of mine.

I hope one day you allow me to try again, but if not, know i thank the universe every morning and night for you.

You. Natalie. You.

You are the reason i am alive today, your love saved me.

I know you see this sweet potato pie, something in my soul tells me youre watching, and i want to show you that your investment in me was the catalyst for the person you now see before you.

I cant change what ive done, but i can make myself into the person who you saw beneath all the muck and mire that covered me this time last year.

You never wanted to be the reason for me being clean but life just doesnt work that way, you should be aware that you had to be part of the reason i pushed so hard and continue to strive for freedom from my selfmade prison. Without experiencing you in May, none of this would have come to fruition. If i had never been loved so wholly by you i never would have thought i was worth loving myself. YOU. Your warmth, your care, your genuine nature is what started all of this. Youre not responsible for me staying clean and living well, but you were responsible for planting the seed that created the desire within myself to chase that cottage style house, doggo babies, art supply covered floor, blissful mornings, passionate evenings, life filled with everything i truly desire deeeeeep within my soul.

Your presence in my life birthed the desire to chase something more. I could never thank you enough, even with all of my love, i owe you my life two times over.

My words dont mean shit, but know that i will show you as plainly as i can, through indirect means out of respect for all you are that the investment you made back then is the sole reason i ever thought i was worth a damn.

You. Natalie. You.

My soul mate of infinite planes, you are the one i would chase across a universe, in every lifetime; You're the catalyst for this person who stands in the mountains of Colorado and looks North towards home.

I will never roam, for i know in the North my heart IS Home.