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My church is “auditioning” a new worship director tonight and this Sunday, please pray they get a clear indication from God if he’s our guy or not.
This team has been through an incredible amount of drama, toxicity, pain, and (I hesitate to use this word but) betrayal in the past few years. We need someone who’s not going to hurt us and will actually help us… let alone lead in this church well.
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I have a great story called “This one person for some reason was just inexplicably delighted by my existence and it made me realize I wasn’t inherently a weird terrible creature no one could like”
But watch out for the sequel, “Said person did such an inexplicable 180 that I have to question every interaction I ever had with him and now it hurts maybe worse than it did before”
Me: [reads “do not rely on your own understanding…” verse]
Me: Well, I have no understanding to go off at all, so @ God please help
I think I’m grieving a ghost. A person who never really existed. Or who I’m not sure ever actually existed, anyway. And let me tell you, it’s a weird experience.
Every Christian should get to spend a few hours alone at their church at night. As a treat. As enrichment
It was legit darker than this, this is just how my phone interpreted. Alone on a big stage is magical anytime, but when it’s your church? *chef’s kiss*
And then I figured out how to turn the lights off even MORE, and that felt… well, if you’ve experienced it, you know. Big church + dark = big feelings, to say the absolute minimum.
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Tonight I pray for a way to express the pain in words I don’t have yet.
Partly for my satisfaction and relief, because it feels better when you can put it on paper in a satisfying way. But also because I might have a chance to share them with someone who can help and someone I think needs to know.
But I don’t have the words. I’ve been trying to find them for months. And I’m too tired to stay up late trying to come up with them.
God, over and over again, it seems like, to me, in several ways recently: Hey! This is a GOOD thing! It’s going to be ok! This change is going to lead to great things and this is My will and there is good coming!
Me, over and over again: Hmm interesting but like maybe all those messages are just coincidences because what are the odds this change is ACTUALLY good when all the previous ones have been bad
Beyond thankful for this Christmas at my church.
It was literal insanity. 6 services total. 2 on the 23rd and FOUR today.
But it was so fun. We finished with Phil Wickham’s “The King Is in the Room” (it was perfect thematically despite not being a Christmas song overtly), and the energy was so high and the whole worship team was basically just having a party to finish the service off.
In the last service, our worship leader actually went down to the floor at the front of the stage and walked around with a moving camera on him. Team members were hyping each other up and dancing and laughing and playing/singing their hearts out, singers were popping into the camera shot in funny ways… man. That was an absolute blast and I can confidently say this was my favorite Christmas season we’ve done, despite it being stressful at first.
The music was more simple than we usually do, and that was intentional. Christmas last year was very stressful and hurt-filled, and our worship leader quit only a few months later, which spiraled this team into grief and anger. But the simplicity I think allowed us to relax into joy and fun.
I think I’m finally at a point of healing. It came through talking to some people about how I was struggling and, I think, a word from God last night. I can’t be sure it was Him, but I had this thought of “That last worship leader was the previous chapter. We’re moving on to the next.” And for me, that was powerful, because it’s allowing me to finally move on I think from seeing this as a LOSS. It feels less like a loss now and more like the close of the chapter with that worship leader. I think I am finally experiencing peace with it, and the way that thought occurred to me makes me think it was from God to help me.
This was so fun. I’ve never been as close to this team as I am this year. For a long time I barely knew them and didn’t feel really part of the team. Now they’re family. We’ve been through so much this year and we have grieved, some of us heavily. But I think these Christmas services, especially tonight, were what we needed. Joy and fun to come and fill in the heaviness we’ve had for so long.
Thank You, God.
