#naruwan

it's hard for me to record these things cause there are so many details i want to grasp and I want to be able to feel when i read this in the far future when i forget how i felt when it was real. but i hope some of these work to grasp these real and raw feelings + fresh of course.

stories:

1. ahma's tireless gait this year everything was rushed and ahma was not as cheerful as she was before, clearly and inevitably. she looked older and she looked more tired. but she was still as optimistic as she was before if you'd ask me. a woman who has devoted her life to supporting the man she loves and his five children - suddenly finding herself hardly with the man she's invested her whole life into and spent her whole life with. ahgong is in the hospital in taipei and ahma is still in her humble home in taichung (not so little though). I can't imagine how lonely she must feel. sure the cats are around and wow i've never seen a family with such filial children but my how she must feel so small and so lonely in her huge house. it's like her presence just isn't enough to fill her own home anymore. and it still isn't enough even with her cats and the frequent visits of her children (and sometimes grandchildren). still she tirelessly washes the clothes, goes up to the rooftop every morning to tend to her plants and do her morning prayers, cooks a table full of food expecting her children to come home (and maybe even her husband) - how does she not feel lonely or empty? how does she keep herself so optimistic so strong? she fills the house with the repeated chants that almost seem to throw me into a trance sometimes (it gets me humming sigh and gwen too) ahma is tireless she is optimistic but i wish she knew a greater joy I always wonder what ahma would feel if she heard what i had to say and accepted it (provided I can present it well in chinese for her) - ahma would be a faithful, humble servant i'm sure. she's just that now if not for her missing that little piece.

2. sleepy bus this time round, everything was squished into 7 days we didn't have much time to do what we usually do in dong shi and take things slow so we went straight up to taipei with ahma after 3 days. I slept for most of the ride. I was supposed to sit beside ahma to talk to her and entertain her but i fell asleep for a really long time. just when i was fighting to pry my own eyes open and thinking to myself "ok i gotta get up to entertain ahma" i peeked out and saw ahma dangling 2 slices of tiramisu packed in a ziplock bag before me and she just said "吃" she was almost commanding me to eat. the tiramisu had been given to us by ning ning but we hadn't had it for 2 days. ahma packed it for a snack. hahahahah it almost made me burst out laughing the way she shoved it in my face and commanded me to consume it. but it was special. that's what ahma does. she commands us to eat things lovingly. she is a strong one afterall

3. prayer a day we visited ahgong daily when we got to taipei and made it a point to just pray once with him everyday. it was hard cause the chants followed us all the way right to ahgong's bedside. it was also hard to pray when the helpers were around even if family members weren't there. but we slipped in a prayer each day (except for the last that was so challenging). on the first day, ahgong was hallucinating from his antihistamine and was getting very very restless after not sleeping for 3 consecutive nights. we prayed with him in the midst of his hallucinations and visions. i'm not quite sure what he was seeing or whether he even understood us (he thought we had another little sister and kept writing on a paper to ask us about this elusive little sister) but i'm glad we got to pray. at this point, i failed to articulate myself in chinese. i was too afraid and couldn't pray properly. gwen did a nice save. he said amen very loudly. on the second day (i'm not sure if this was the second or third day sob i forgot!!!!!!! and didn't record in my notes), we got to push ahgong out in his wheelchair into the sun outside cause it was actually quite warm outside and he was in the mood for a little adventure. we brought him out and ahma  had a good conversation with the helper while siti came over to the little gardens area with me and gwen and ahgong and his wheelchair. there we prayed for him and thanked God that he could come out to see the flowers and trees and feel the warm sun. he nodded and clasped his hands together at the end. on the way up to the room the helper asked if he would like to go to the little altar to pray and he refused and indicated that he was too tired. that was very unusual but very special. on the third day we managed to slip a little time in while the helper was in the toilet and no family members were around to pray for ahgong. he nodded and went back to sleep after our prayer. clearly prayer is not restricted to time or place or circumstance - thank you God for making that real to me + showing me that prayer is possible even when things are dark and hard and i feel like i can't talk to You

4. the washing of feet ahgong goes out in his wheelchair and when he gets back to the room, the helpers always wash his feet and legs (the bottom halves) to keep him warm and get his blood running. they put bath salt in the water (rocks of em) and then they bathe his legs in the hot water. on the third day (or fourth) i decided i wanted to try washing ahgong's feet. i asked the helpers if i could have a go at it and they taught me just where to place the warm towels on ahgong's legs so he would feel comfy. I spent a few minutes squatting on the floor with my hand in the warm red bucket. i was washing ahgong's feet. it was special and very memorable. the washing of feet is always quite memorable and quite significant. i felt glad that i could interact with ahgong this way. though i couldn't speak to him. mama always reminded us that ahgong treasured physical touch especially cause he couldn't speak anymore (for now)

5. the massage going to the hospital daily also meant a daily routine for us. we'd go for lunch and then spend the time that the helpers were resting to go out and explore the streets so they could have a quality rest. on the second day at the hospital (i should think it was the 2nd) we decided to go to the nearby underground metro mall to take a look. (beef nudies hahahaha) anyway we walked down the street and saw lots of random shops (i was in search of the drawstring bag i never found) and we saw many misspelled menus and cool games going on at the arcade. when we entered the underpass a middle-aged woman was standing right at the turn asking people if they'd like a massage. we walked down the street past her and turned back and decided we'd go for a 20 minute one. turns out the massage parlour was run by blind people. gwen and i had never been for a massage before so that was a first and a very unique experience. i can't decide if it was painful or therapeutic. but either way it was good. and i'm glad that we could experience a massage by blind people!!!!!!! i loved how they had that little audio timer to tell them when time was up. and how they asked us just how we felt and whether it was too much or too little cause they couldn't see our faces and know for sure. funny how people who can see just don't ask that much??? or seem that interested in knowing how we feel??

6. the children this hospital was quite dark in a sense that we met so many young children on drips. even a brother and sister with their mother. it was all around. maybe i don't usually open my eyes or see at the hospital but that was the first time i saw so many kids - sick kids. there was a little boy we saw everyday and tried to wave to in the lift. he was shy and was on a drip and snuggled in his mom's coat when he saw us. his mom teased him about being shy cause he saw pretty girls and he just kept burrowing deeper. when he left the lift i saw him peek out from behind his mother to catch a glimpse of us before the doors had shut. such a sweet one. shy but really actually yearning to know more.

7. elusive food on our first night exploring the area for food. we went from station to station looking for things to eat. we wanted something authentically taiwanese but that was hard to find in department stores. it struck me that years ago I had stayed in caesar park with mom and dad and we had really good o a mi sua + hu jiao bing in the area. so gwen + I traced the maps for caesar park and found it. from there we located o a mi sua and then we went on an endless journey in search for the hu jiao bing stall. it was a long walk to get to it and lots of asking around on the way for directions. (asking is still always the best, it gets you to things faster) when we got there - the shop was closed. that night, i felt like dinner was so elusive for a hungry child like me. 8. meals the food court at the hospital was nothing like the kopitiam @ nuh here. it only had effectively 3 stalls. western/taiwan noodles and buffets/beef noodles + soup + dumplings. well it was quite clear to us that we'd go for the beef noodles + soup + dumplings. did that on the first day and on the second. 10 gao li chai dumplings, niu rou mian (first day) zha jiang man (second day), suan la tang - gwen + i shared 3 components. ahma just got her little self service vegetarian cai fan. she didn't seem to get sick of it did she? on the third and fourth day we decided we didn't wanna do this 3 components thing anymore and decided to go to 7-11 and buy bentos. I had a paige bento the classic railway one on the third day and then a map tofu on the fourth. we'd go up tot he 8th floor and see the view while eating that. and of course with our bottles of sugarless green tea (cha li wang) i dropped my chopsticks on the first day and had to come all the way back down for it. we did make good friends with the niu rou mian auntie though. she seemed to really like us.

9. juice we discovered a juice stall on the first floor right at the lobby and we did this daily thing where we bought a fruit juice each day. the man kind of got to know us and we became friends. he talked to us about why we were in the hospital everyday and wished us and ahgong all the best. he made his juices from scratch with no syrup at all. none. it was wonderful. it was refreshing. and it slowly substituted the sugarless green tea staple we had with our lunch. it's a pity we never got to tell him we were gonna leave and wouldn't be back and say a goodbye on a finalistic note ahahahaha. i'm sure he's still doing well his juice is really the freshest i've ever had.

10. the friend and his guitar during lunch on the 3rd day, we saw a man sitting in the other row of chairs a distance away from us. his back was facing us and beside him was seated his friend. their silhouettes were very distinct as their bodies were bathed in the midday sunlight streaming in through the window panes. propped up against the wall was a guitar and on the ledge sat a little amp. one of the men was wearing the hospital patient uniform, the other wasn't. after awhile, the man picked up his guitar, plugged it in and started strumming and singing with his friend. it was like a hokkien song and his guitar was a bass !!!! the sight just filled my heart with warmth. they stayed there for ages, just spending time together. I thought to myself, "when i'm 60 and sick in the hospital, which of my friends would come and do that for me?" they spent the whole afternoon there. and the next day when we came to the same place for lunch, the same two friends were seated there. what a great picture of a great friendship. the name that popped in my mind was ziru. it was special that I thought of that. I guess ziru really would go out of his way for a friend. 

11. the woman + her daughter I this part of my trip tears me up. tear as in like paper being torn. it is the darkest part of my trip i would say and it still kind of irks me inside up till now. but it is also the most poignant part of my trip and it just has to be recorded. however, it's the hardest part for me to write and i'm just not sure how to go about with this story. on the third day while we were on the 8th floor, gwen and I were seated down looking out beyond the rooftop and a woman came to sit beside us. (ok i can't continue typing now - i'll have to wait till daylight to type this cause i feel alone when i write about it and it makes me feel sad and just it has impacted me in more ways than one. my mask has sunken into my skin i am going to bed)

(ok morning has broken lemme continue my story) well it became a part of our daily routine to lounge around on the seats on the 8th floor and have our lunch. on the third day, a woman came to sit a chair away from us and I had to clear my coats so she had a place to sit. we sat there quietly for awhile until she broke the silence and asked us why we were in the hospital. we told her a little about us and how we were here from singapore to see our sick ahgong and we'd come here everyday while we could. then it became a little casual exchange where she told us about herself. she told us about her unmarried 30 year old son and asked if we knew anyone to introduce him to back in singapore. then she got to the part where she told us why she was here. I had no idea what I was in for. she said that she was 67 and she had a 44 year old daughter (the oldest of her three children) her daughter had a p6 daughter and p3 son. this 44 year old daughter who was a mother to two kids also had liver cancer. it didn't strike me there and then until the woman began to tear. and then she began to cry. I wasn't sure how to react and began to dig in my bag for tissue and then i whispered to gwen in english for a tissue packet. we had none. i'm not sure what possessed me to do what i did but i took out a pack of chewing gum and offered it to her. (she was crying?!?!?!?!! chewing gum?????) hahahahaha but she accepted it and took two! she continued telling us about her hurts and her fears. she told us her daughter had been in the hospital for a long while now and her cancer was end-stage cancer. she was definitely, without a doubt going to die from it. then she told us that every day she would go to the altar to pray for her daughter to recover but she's sure her daughter was gonna die. she told us she didn't know what she'd do without her daughter - her oldest child. "how can she leave before I go? I am old, she is young and has her whole life before her. I wish the sickness could come to me and I could just take the pain and die for her. what am I going to do without her? what will her two children do without her? I don't know. the children probably have no idea what their mother is going through or what is happening to her." and she began to cry again and we comforted her. I was seated closer to her than gwen was so i put a hand on her shoulder and kind of tried to assure her that we were here for her (at least for now even if we had never met her before and might never meet her again). she asked thanked us for listening to her and being there. and then invited us to follow her back to the ward to visit her daughter. we thought to ourselves why not? this woman was lonely and probably needed some support and we really would like to visit this daughter she told us so much about.

we stayed on the 8th floor and walked to one of the wards in the corner. we then went to a room all the way at the far end of the ward. when we stood before the door about to enter it, I had absolutely idea what to expect. In fact, I wasn't expecting much. I'd never actually stepped into a room where someone was terminally ill. I felt just like how I felt like countless times in the past when I visited friends who were sick or unwell. I was going to enter the room, tell her to get well soon and wish her and her family well. but, i had no idea what was in store for me. not at all.

the woman gestured for us to follow her into the room and she put a little finger on her lips to tell us to keep our volume down. we followed her in and the sight before my eyes was a shocking one to behold. it is a chilling image that I still haven't gotten out of my mind. the sickly daughter lay sprawled on the hospital bed. her skin was so yellow, it was a rich yet dull yellow. almost like the mustard of my shirt. she lay there completely still with a ventilator on her nose + mouth. she was gasping for breath periodically. really gasping. it was like she was gasping for her life and drowning in death and illness. she was in a deep sleep that kept her immovable. a coma as the doctors would say. I surveyed her quickly and glanced her up and down. I wasn't sure what I felt about what I saw. her eyes were closed but the features on her skinny face were darker than any I had ever seen before. she was a very beautiful woman. her features were distinct and very sharp. then i looked down at her legs and feet they were completely swollen and round. nothing like I had ever seen before. i saw the heartbeat machine beside her bed just beeping in a slow but steady rhythm.  i felt sick to the pits of my stomach. something made me feel so uneasy and so uncomfortable. our friend - the mother - placed her hands on her daughter's feet and pulled her blanket down to keep her fully covered and warm. her daughter lay still and frozen and yellow - she probably had no idea her mother was there to tuck her in probably like she had many times before from her youth. I looked over at the two children who were there to visit their mother. they lay beside her on these sofa thingies and were preoccupied with their toys. earlier, we had received candy from a man who had walked by us earlier at the area we were having lunch at on the 8th floor and said "u two are beautiful". he returned later with sweets for us. we passed the candy to the two children who seemed to be too shy but still accepted our little tokens. the mother in law of the sick daughter was there as well.

we stood around for awhile taking in the sight and the reality of the circumstances. then I said we needed to go and we didn't wanna disturb any longer and expressed that we should take our leave. our friend walked us out and told us she was grateful that we came. she stood in between gwen + i. she was a petite older woman but still beautiful even with age written across her face. she told us she loves to look beautiful and had just gone somewhere to get her brows down. both gwen + i had our arms over her and nestled her between us as we walked out of the ward. i asked if she'd be coming tomorrow and gwen told her we would pray for her and her family. she said that she'd be back to visit her daughter the next day just like how she had been back everyday recently. she was always gonna be here to visit her daughter everyday she said. gwen assured her that we'd pray for her family and we took a photo with her after i requested a selfie.  i won't forget the little smile lines around her eyes. those eyes that had just been stained by tears. she seemed sad but it was almost like we'd been there just at the right time to give her some kind of hope. she smiled. we left. i knew for sure that we'd be back tomorrow to visit her again. she was a new friend and one we wanted to keep.

12. dtf that night, gwen + i went to taipei 101 for a new year's eve dinner. it was exciting cause taipei 101 is just iconic for new year's countdowns and all. almost like a wonder of the world. so we headed down there real early and went to get a queue number at dtf. dad always raves about dtf especially with his experiences and what not and i guess that's why gwen + i are more attuned to noticing funny little things. so I thought i'd spend the night exhausting the list of things daddy said dtf people in taiwan do for you and since i was never gonna meet these people again, i thought i'd just go all out and try everything: a) speak in english and see them press their nationalities buttons b) ask the waiter how to eat xlb the right way c) get the waiter to demonstrate how to mix the sauce d) take a photo with the waiters ok there's actually lots more to the list of stuff they would go out of their way to do for you but ok I didn't need that so i didn't ask  basically we got trainer+master+emery as our waitresses/waiters for the area. trainer was a very cute smiley face very tall and mildly awkward but very cute. master was very nerdy and geeky like a preppy nerd. emery was a cute girl (her cuteness only shone out closer to the end of our meal)  from the moment we got there service was so different basically everything was perfect the whole spirit of the restaurant was different from how it was in every dtf i had been to before back here in sg. the one in taiwan was truly different. i just felt like the waiters weren't working they were just doing something fun they really enjoyed i don't know how to describe it but the energy and professionalism was tangible. we tried random things that weren't on the sg menu like fish dumplings (that's special but nah won't get that again) and then we got dan hua tang (yum) and guo tie (so crisp so good)  the night went along and we ordered many rounds, for the whole time we were seated there, all the tables around us had rotated customers at least for 2 cycles each. the moment we arrived they covered gwen's jacket with a coat cover on the back of her seat. everything was just well timed and perfect i'm not quite sure how to describe the experience. I guess the waiters were confused cause we were under the Singapore nationality and they were prepared to speak to us in english but then we started speaking chinese and they just seemed very confused. they weren't sure how to converse. master was very flexible. he could speak to the japanese on our right in japanese and the korean on our left in korean. and he placed things on the table with a special artistic strength in his arm that made everything just look and feel better. we sat there for so long just taking everything in. from time to time trainer would peep over gwen's shoulder to check we were ok and our tea cups never spent a moment being empty and unfilled. well the most memorable part of the night would probably be the part when we were leaving. I really wanted to get a photo with master + trainee cause they had taken good care of us (trainee had taken time to explain how to eat xlb to me patiently). but when we were about to leave, trainee had gone away we couldn't find him. I went to the toilet and tried to kill some time just to see if trainee would be back for a photo. but when I got back he still wasn't there. we waited a little and i even went around the whole restaurant to see if he had swopped areas with someone. then we gave up and decided to just get a photo with master and then trainee somehow miraculously appeared just in time!!!!! we asked him to join the photo so he came in and stood by the side. they tried to look around for someone to take the photo and only emery was in the area (i felt so bad for not including her in the photo in that instant) but then she thought trainee was not actually part of the photo since he was so far to the side and she said  "go help me wipe the table" so there, trainee left quietly and didn't get a chance to tell us bye or even get a photo. we had failed again. that was when we decided to wait around after getting a photo with master and maybe we could as trainee for a photo. but then he left again. a while later just as we were about to give up he returned and i rushed to him (a tad bit too excitedly) and asked for a photo. he agreed kinda shy and awkward but still agreed and we took a selfie cause i didn't want to trouble anyone. he was very game, making a funny face. and from the corner of my eye i saw master and emery looking on at us. we felt so awkward we had to go. we then went to the toilet and then we started to feel so bad for emery "poor girl she must be wondering why we didn't take a shot with her though she served us too" there we stood outside the toilet feeling bad and sorry and suddenly she appeared from the toilet (she had gone for a little toilet break!!!!) i'm not quite sure what possessed me to do what i did but i ran after her and shouted "can we get a photo please!!!!!!!"

the smile on her face was priceless and she said "sure!!!!"  there = we got a photo of all three waiters/waitresses that had served us. no hard feelings everyone was happy. we had made their new year's eve + they had made ours. 13. the bakery there was some bakery at taipei 101 that had rly good testers it was yummy it was a great appetizer something good to get us started i loved it 14. new year's eve we went out to the vicinity after dinner to get a spot for a good view for the countdown. we wanted to be early so we could snag a good place. the spirit was perfect, everyone was out there everyone was happy to be there and there was laughter and cheer. there was even a group holding a sign proclaiming Jesus' love. I took a flyer from them just to check they weren't saying weirdly wrong things - it looked ok. we wandered around a little went to the hyatt to pee and found ourselves in the middle of a new year's eve drinking party. and then we went to take a peek at the countdown concert through the crowds. (crowds aren't for me cause i'm short) then we wandered and tried to make sure we knew where to go after the countdown to get home quick away from the crowds. then we saw some little toys with fancy lights on em and we bought two (one each for the grandkids of our new friend made today - the P3 boy and the P6 girl, we were gonna visit them the next day anyway). we finally settled down at a good spot a moderate distance away from taipei 101 - it was not too close so we could see the whole building but still close enough so we could get the feels and be close to the action. (the little recyclers walking about with their signs were so cute!!!!) then the action began a minute to 12!!!!!! some words flashed across the exterior of the building and suddenly before we knew it everyone was shouting the numbers of the countdown in unison!!!! in chinese!!!!! i felt like there was something about that chinese that made everything sound warmer and more united. there was just something about it. we shouted with everyone and then watched as the fireworks were released. everything was beautiful. it was surreal it was beautiful it was perfect. something that held me in awe strangely was that everyone stayed seated and no one was clamouring to see even though it was crowded and so, we could all get a good view!!!!  when the fireworks had ended, the crowds rushed to the metro station but the management and crowd control just leaves me in awe up till now. everyone was released in batches, there was a policeman at every mrt cabin door and because of the batch releases, it wasn't too crowded in the trains - everything was managed so immaculately i'm not sure how they did it. we got home fast at 1.30am.  it was a special and eventful night, i was grateful for the experience. it was more beautiful than I can describe in words but it was definitely such a great sight really truly it was. I do wish I could feel the night again. If only people could be just this united all the time. If only so many different people could love each other all the time. funny how it takes fireworks and an atmosphere to get us to care for each other and feel happy that we are in it - something special called life - together? and funny how it takes lots of death to bring us all together again to mourn and long for what is gone and celebrate lives that are no more? clearly this is an indication that our world is broken - it's a heavenly longing we have. this thing that unites all of us this longing in all our hearts for things to be restored and then this helplessness when we feel like things just can't be made whole even with all our human effort. surely we all need something greater, something bigger, something beyond it all? 15. gone the next morning we head out to the hospital again and we had brought our little light toys for the kids. we were planning to head to the bakery to get the really good biscuits we got for the helpers and ahma on the second day for our new friend made the day before. but because it was new years day, everything was closed. we went to 7 eleven instead and bought lots of snacks and some oldie snacks for the kids and their grandma. we had a whole package ready and were planning to get some fruits from baoyu. we spent lunch at our usually spot and kind of hoped our friend would come out again so we wouldn't have to risk going to find her and chancing upon other family members who would wonder why they had uninvited guests. but she didn't come. after lunch, we decided to go grab the fruits and our care pack while the helpers took their afternoon rest. we went up to the ward and as we were getting to it we suddenly felt very afraid. "what if she's not in and other people are, they'd wonder who we are" "will we be intruding?" "do you think they'll accept our gifts?" "what do we say when they open the door?"

we stopped at the door and gwen said a quick prayer for strength and for peace. before we opened our eyes, the door of the next ward opened and a face of a helper peeped out. she asked us if we wanted to enter the ward and we told her we wanted to. she asked us to open the door and she just kept prompting us to hurry and open the door and go in.  we were confused. i looked up and look properly at her to understand what she was trying to say. then i saw her raise her hand and slowly bend her index finger up and down. i couldn't quite get it at first. then i linked it with the "mati" sign people back in singapore use. she did the finger thing repeatedly and then she said "die already". that killed me. my heart stopped and i just felt so cold and sick to the pit of my stomach. I was so affected by the sight I had seen yesterday but this knowledge that the woman I had seen lying on the bed yesterday was now gone - I couldn't accept it.  i didn't know who she was, i didn't know her name, but I felt sick. i felt sad. i felt heartbreak for her family. i felt like I had lost someone close to me. the helper told us the woman had died at 2am the night before just after the year had turned. the whole family had left the hospital and weren't gonna be back. she asked gwen to try to open the door and check. gwen did and the door was locked.

we had seen the woman on her last day and in her last hours. we were there with her mother just before she had left all of them. we had come, care packages in hand, prepared to bring comfort to the woman who told us she "would be back everyday, as long as [her daughter] lived". i couldn't grasp the reality of it. it struck me hard and I felt broken. how much more hurt + pain would our old friend be feeling? we never got to meet them again.

16. man with chewing gum the next day gwen + i decided to go to the steamboat place mom and dad had raved about at zhongshan. (taiwanese department stores just give a great warm fuzzy feeling) we had to wait about 1.5 hours for it so we walked around the area. I got myself a taiwanese sausage (so hard to find now these authentic xiang changs!!!! and mountain pig meat to be exact ahahaha) it was so good as an appetiser. we also went to the underground metro mall shop and bought so many good artsy little things. probably all the shopping we did on the trip. when we were heading back to the restaurant after 1.3 hours of roaming around we walked past a man selling chewing gum on the streets. he was selling wrigley's (not our favourite anymore because it has sugar) so we kind of just walked by. then he called out to us in chinese "pretty girls" and we turned around. it was a weak call on a new year's night but we just had to see who it was. I turned around and saw him standing there, a synthetic arm on a side and a hook for a hand on the other. I walked over and thought i'd pass him some of the coins we had and he gave us a warm smile on a cold wintry night in exchange. as well as a packet of gum.  wow a man without his arms selling chewing gum to get by on a cold new years night. we were on our way to a steamboat dinner at the restaurant.  count your blessings and be grateful. that's all I could think of there and then. _________________

this trip was very special it was unlike any other of my taiwan trips actually + i've never had a taiwan trip like this one usually taiwan is always about family first and then fun second  but these two usually come together a lot cause well my family in taiwan well they are very fun it's been years since we went back to taiwan to yknow chillout with cousins/aunties/uncles/grannies/grampies and then go on one of our little family journeys where we rent a car and go places i'm not quite sure why it's like that or what made us stop going on our fun family road trips to the wild for awhile 

i guess in recent years things just became more solemn as everyone got older either that or...i just became more aware about the darker parts of family/dealing with relatives/health/old age/life basically

well this year was really a mission we kind of always say we're going back as a mission like we wanna tell ahgong and ahma about the saving love + the good news and we always kind of slip it in but other forces are always overpowering and we kind of get pushed aside and forget about it

but this year the urgency was there we were back on a mission really this year it was everyday to the hospital from morning to night - then balancing some time out with ahma so she wouldn't feel we forgot her just cause she's not sick - and then making sure the other ahgong ahma don't feel we're using them as hotels and feel uncared for

basically it was a lot of adultish awareness awakened in me every year in the past i was protected. we would go back with mama and papa and they would be the flustered ones. we'd just kind of follow along. I never quite knew what made them flustered and i'd always say dismissive things like "relax la" etc  + i was the baby of the extended family too. the youngest grandchild, everyone kind of treated me like I knew no sorrow or worry. everyone seemed to want to protect what they thought was my childish innocence and carefree spirit - they joked, they doted on me everything was just happy