i thought of ALK tonight
i also feel tired - and so this song sounds like heaven!
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@dancing-vagabonds
i thought of ALK tonight
i also feel tired - and so this song sounds like heaven!

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when someone writes n u feel the discomfort ~emanating~ from the boOk
when the power of words is tangible
an unfinished conversation / parallel plane discussion / the void that can’t be overcome
its the black hole
a broken night
i love how he made this singaporean
been a while since i’ve been here but tonight made me feel like writing to put it on record
things just sound better in chinese imagine a life that was heaviness punctuated by the lightness of a list....too painfully real imagine having to list every brilliant thing to stop yourself from snuffing out your own life everything for a reason to live

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today pedro walked home with me and we were talking about brasilia - he told me about how his city has no street names
he told me that they use coordinates to navigate - so the city is shaped like an airplane and it has a north wing and a south wing
and all the buildings were built by the same architect (?) and that there are strict rules for building - with every building not more than 6 stories to not exceed the height of the congress
he told me how every block has its own purpose - hospitals are in an area, hotels are in an area, housing is in an area
how his address is a bunch of coordinates
he told me how his city is at once fascinating and beautiful but also foreboding with its bauhaus architectural style....he said there are sometimes no windows and its very suffocating
he said how the city is designed just for cars and that you’d rarely see people awalkin
A - K for the horizontal and 100, 200, 300, 400......for the vertical coordinates (x-y)
specifically A-K because of the president who planned the city having initials JK - he wanted all the axes to end with his initials
i asked him how he’d tell me to meet at some mall
he said i’d say (north wing SQNW) or something......400K..........
i asked him which he likes better - he told me after living in spain and in brazil, he still thinks coordinates are the best way to communicate geographically
im shocked - i’m shocked at how much i did not know about the world...and about how much the space around us can frame the way we think - his mind must be organised entirely differently from mine
wish i could take a look inside
today was such a long day and our debrief went from 6 till 8.10...i had to cancel going to debod for an evening wall with mourghan
i was so deadbeat by the end of the meeting, i actually felt my mind had to really keep engaging and at some point i had so many visualisations in my head, i really couldn't be coherent anymore
it's not like i even spoke much in the meeting, but the processing was enough to tire me out... it's weird but i like feeling tired at the end, i think this work challenges me and so i enjoy it.
of course there's more to it than that though, in that emotionally it's been really ups and downs trying to work at this (which i love and enjoy) while thinking at the back of my head about apps and about not having something in singapore
also just fighting off thoughts about inadequacy, which i know are not the truth...but eat me in my identity often. also because i think in many ways, I often feel like an imposter
well while keeping all these weights of my mind in balance, one good thing has been the consistency of my workouts. i got off today's call and went straight into the workout of today and really it makes me feel so good thereafter
this is my safe space and so i feel i can be frank here, and the truth is i really like being on my own. i don't think i ever realised how much of my own space i enjoy. it's been coming to 4 months of this, and i haven't had enough of time being on my own
the person i am in Singapore is so different i feel almost like a split personality. i don't know if i even recognise her anymore. but maybe i'll find her again. or maybe i'll just go home someone new.
i don't think i'm ready to meet people again it’s 9pm and i haven’t had dinner but i’m good just melting into the yoga mat till tomorrow comes
found a dead blue eyes one and played too
found a brow filter today n played w it
All our eyes on You, Lord All our hope in You, Lord All our trust in You, Lord All we want is You, Lord All our eyes on You, Lord All our hope in You, Lord All our trust in You, Lord All we want is You, Lord

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hoy es mi primer día
in more translation work i have spent tonight doing Paola sent me this written by Paco, her brother-in-law who fought COVID since the start of this month and was even in the ICU for a week close to death, we thought he wouldn’t make it but alas! God knew his time was not yet up
Translated for the benefit of the future me, and for mom & dad & gwen & all the people I love & hold near and dear - the people for whom I hope always, to know the good news - that is the love that never lets us go that neither death nor life, can separate us from
Hoy es mi primer día by Paco Garcia, 25.04.2020 en Ciudad Real, España
Mi primer día que puedo mirar de frente y disfrutar de caminar mirando erguido sobre mis pies. Mi primer día dejando atrás semanas de fiebre, sábanas, medicinas, agujas, ahogo, aislamientos e incertidumbre. Hoy es mi día para gozarme en mirar el horizonte y agradecer a Dios el poder respirar con toda la profundidad que mis pulmones ahora pueden abarcar. Hoy puedo mirar de frente, sonreír, admirar, apreciar, besar y abrazar a los míos. Hoy es mi día…tan feliz y agradecido por aquello que una vez descubrí que podía haber perdido.
¿Lamento estos días como perdidos? En absoluto, incluso diría me alegro por ello. No vale ni todo el dinero para conseguir lo que puedes aprender cuando la adversidad y la aflicción llama a tu puerta. Cuando empiezas a valorar mucho más lo que tienes. Cuando sientes la cercanía y la sensibilidad hacia aquellos que están pasando miles de cosas peores que las tuyas…¿Y tanto sin poder cumplir, tantas actividades, encuentros perdidos, proyectos cancelados?
¿Qué he perdido, qué he dejado…? Nada; algunos podrían lamentarse, yo, nada.
¿Para quién trabajo? ¿Cuál es el motivo de mi existencia y m vivir? Cuando la razón de vivir y los motivos no son meramente personales, descubres un valioso secreto para la felicidad que muy pocos conocen. Cuando descubres que hay un tesoro en un campo y vale la pena entregar tu vida para conseguir ese campo. Cuando te sabes entregado y sirves a un Dios celestial, ¿qué puede perder aquel que sabe que su propia vida no le pertenece? ¿Qué puede perder quien tiene su deseo y voluntad, no en esta vida sino en Reinos eternos? ¿Qué puede perder quien se sabe elegido, amado, bendecido, por un Dios que llegó a entregar hasta su propio hijo por amor a mí? Sólo puedes ganar, siempre vencer y confiar serenamente en quien sabes que es Soberano y tanto el bien como el mal vienen de El con su especial amor y cariño según sus buenos propósitos para tu vida.
Hoy es mi día, mi gozoso día, y pido a El que siempre me guarde y pueda vivir, descubrir, y llenarme de alegría para poder decir como el profeta: “Aunque la higuera no florezca, ni en las vides haya frutos, aunque falte el producto del olivo; y los labrados no den mantenimiento, y las ovejas sean quitadas de la majada, y no haya vacas en los corrales; con todo yo me alegraré en el Señor y me gozaré en el Dios de mi Salvación” .
Today is my first day by Paco Garcia, 25.04.2020 in Ciudad Real, Spain
My first day in which I can look straight on and enjoy walking and looking around, upright on my feet. My first day leaving behind weeks of fever, bedsheets, medicines, needles, drowning, isolation and uncertainty. Today is my first day enjoying looking at the horizon, and thanking God for the ability to breathe with all the depth that my lungs can hold. Today I can look straight on, smiling, admiring, appreciating, kissing and hugging all that are mine. Today is my day…such happiness and thankfulness for this once where I discovered all I could have lost.
Do I lament how these days have been lost? Not at all, in fact I would even say I am filled with gladness for them. Not even the worth of all money in the world can buy you what you can learn when adversity and grief knocks on your door. When you begin to value much more all that you have. When you feel closeness and have a heightened sensitivity towards those who are experiencing a multitude of things worse than yours. With so much unfulfilled, so many activities, lost encounters, cancelled projects?
What have I lost, what have I left? Nothing. Some lament, but for me, I have lost nothing.
For whom do I work? What is the motive of my existence and my life? When the reason for living and the motivation is not merely personal, you discover a valuable secret for happiness that few know. When you discover that there is a treasure in the field, and it is worth giving your life for the field. When you know you serve a heavenly God. What can he lose? He who knows his own life does not belong to him? What can he lose? He who has a desire and will not for this life but for kingdoms eternal? What can he lose? He who knows to choose, love, bless, a God who came to deliver even His own son for a love for himself? You can only win, always win, and trust serenely in who you know is sovereign — Him from which both good and evil come, with His special love and affection, according to His good purposes for your life.
Today is my day, my joyous day, and I ask Him to always keep me, that I can live, discover and fill myself with joy to be able to say like the prophet: “Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the field yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will take joy in the God of my salvation”.
la ventana
was reading my daily piece and i found this one in the opinion section I wanted to record it not only because I will probably lose it someday and want to find it somehow, but also because it summarises a lot of what I have been feeling in this time here its alot to take in - darkness overwhelms...and then it consumes so much brokenness, so much distrust, so much brokenness that was always latent but now no longer ignorable and yet, it will still go on ignored alas - the world will go on spinning as if it never had been scarred before that’s it - the heart, the heart of humanity is sick & worse still, it forgets ----- a snippet I translated to the best that I could for posterity’s sake (for one day my spanish shall fail me, but even then I shall hope to remember how this writing made me feel) - “The Window”: [translated from La Ventana, EL PAIS, 26.04.2020] Al fin y al cabo, el virus nos ha recordado lo que tan apasionadamente negábamos: que somos seres frágiles hechos de la materia más delicada. Que morimos, que somos mortales. In the end, the virus has reminded us of what we so passionately deny: that we are fragile and we are delicate beings. That we die, and that we are mortals. Que no estamos separados del mundo por nuestra “humanidad” y excepcionalidad, sino que el mundo es una especie de inmensa red en la que permanecemos unidos a otros seres por medio de invisibles hilos de influjos y dependencias. That we are not separated from the world in our “humanity” and that we are not exceptional beings, but that the world is an immense network in which we remain united to other beings through invisible threads of influences and dependencies. Que dependemos los unos de los otros y que, independientemente del país del que vengamos, de la lengua en que hablemos y del color de nuestra piel, enfermamos de la misma manera, tenemos el mismo miedo y morimos del mismo modo. That we depend on one another, and that regardless of the country we come from, the language we speak in, the colour of our skin, we fall sick in the same way, we have the same fear and we die in the same way. El virus nos ha hecho tomar conciencia de que, independientemente de lo débiles e indefensos que nos sintamos ante la amenaza, a nuestro alrededor hay personas aún más débiles que necesitan ayuda. The virus has made us aware that, regardless of how weak and defenseless we feel before a threat, around us are people who are even weaker and in need of our help. Nos ha recordado lo delicados que son nuestros viejos padres y abuelos, y lo mucho que merecen nuestros cuidados. We have been reminded of the delicateness of our old parents and grandparents, that they deserve much of our care. Nos ha enseñado que nuestra febril movilidad amenaza al mundo. We have been shown that our hectic mobility threatens the world.
Y nos ha recordado la misma pregunta que rara vez tuvimos el valor de plantearnos: ¿qué es lo que en realidad buscamos? And we have been reminded of the same question that we seldom have had the courage to ask ourselves: what is it that we are really searching for? El miedo a la enfermedad nos ha hecho salir del círculo vicioso y, a la fuerza, nos ha recordado la existencia de los nidos de los que venimos y donde nos sentimos a salvo. Fear of disease has led us out of the vicious cycle and forcefully, we have been reminded of the existence of the nests from which we come and where we feel safe.
Y por más grandes viajeros que nos sintamos, en una situación como ésta siempre nos veremos empujados a volver a ese hogar. And no matter what great travelers we might think ourselves to be, in a situation as this we will always see the push to return home. Por eso mismo, se nos han revelado verdades tristes: que en momentos de amenaza vuelve el pensamiento en categorías excluyentes de naciones y fronteras. For this same reason, sad truths have been revealed to us: that in moments of threat we return to think in exclusive categories of nations and borders. ... El cierre de fronteras lo considero el mayor fracaso de estos tiempos miserables: han vuelto los viejos egoísmos y las categorías “los nuestros” y “los extraños”, es decir, todo aquello que durante los últimos años hemos combatido con la esperanza de que nunca más formatearía nuestras mentes. The closing of borders I consider the greatest failure of these miserable times: that we have returned to our selfish pasts, and the categories of that which is “ours” and that of “strangers”. In other words, all our minds have fought so hard against of years past has returned. El miedo al virus ha invocado automáticamente la convicción atávica más simple: los culpables son los extraños y son ellos los que siempre traen la amenaza desde alguna parte. A Europa, el virus ha venido “desde alguna parte”, no es nuestro, es extraño. Fear of the virus has automatically invoked this simplest atavistic conviction: that the culprits are the strangers and it is always they who bring threats from someplace else. To Europe, the virus has come “from someplace”, its not ours, it is of the strangers (/the other). ... El virus no permite olvidar: las fronteras existen y gozan de buena salud. The virus will not let us forget: that borders exist, and are firm in great health. Me temo que el virus no tardará en recordarnos otra vieja verdad: lo poco iguales que somos. I fear the virus will not be slow to remind us of another old truth: that we are more different than we are the same.
Algunos volarán en aviones privados a la casa que tienen en una isla o en un solitario paraje boscoso, mientras que otros se quedarán en las ciudades para mantener operativas las centrales eléctricas e hidráulicas. Some fly in private planes to homes they own on an island or en a private forest paradise, while others stay in the city to maintain public utilities like electricity and water.
Y otros pondrán en riesgo su salud al trabajar en tiendas y hospitales. Unos se harán ricos con la epidemia, otros perderán hasta la camisa. Yet others put their health at risk to work in shops and hospitals. Some become rich by the pandemic, others lose even their shirts.
Seguramente la crisis que se avecina socavará principios que creíamos inamovibles, muchos Estados no lograrán sortearla, y, ante su descomposición, surgirá un nuevo orden, tal y como suele ocurrir después de las crisis. Surely the crisis undermines principles that we once thought were immovable. Many states will succumb, and before they do, a new order will come, as it usually happens after a crisis. Nos quedamos en casa, leemos libros, vemos series, pero en realidad nos estamos preparando para una gran batalla por una realidad nueva que ni siquiera podemos imaginar, mientras vamos entendiendo lentamente que ya nada será igual que antes. We stay at home, we read books, we watch series, but in reality we are preparing for a great battle against a new reality that not even we can imagine, while we slowly come to understand that already, nothing is the same as before. La situación de cuarentena forzosa y el acuartelamiento familiar en casa pueden hacernos caer en la cuenta de algo que preferiríamos no admitir: que la familia nos cansa, que los lazos matrimoniales hace tiempo que se han roto. The situation of the quarantine and the lockdown alongside our family at home has forced us to tell of things we rather not admit: that the family tires us, that with time, a marriage can be broken. Nuestros hijos saldrán de la cuarentena adictos a Internet, y muchos de nosotros tomaremos conciencia de lo absurdo y estéril de la situación en la que permanecemos atrapados por obra de la inercia. Our children leave the lockdown addicted to the Internet, and many of us will become aware of the absurdity and sterility of the situation in which we are permanently trapped -- the work of inertia. ¿Y qué ocurrirá si aumenta el número de asesinatos, suicidios y enfermedades mentales? And what will happen if the number of murders, suicides & mental illnesses increases? Ante nuestros ojos se desvanece como el humo el paradigma civilizatorio que nos ha formado en los últimos doscientos años: que somos dueños de la creación, que lo podemos todo y que el mundo nos pertenece. Before our eyes the civilizing paradigm that has shaped us in the last 200 years vanishes: that we are the masters of creation, that we can do everything, and that the world belongs to us. Se avecinan tiempos nuevos. New times are coming.
usually i spend every morning reading something new, but the morning bus rides this week have all been isaiah 30 i think i might have a new refrain for this life
Isaiah 30 English Standard Version
30 “Ah, stubborn children,” declares the Lord, “who carry out a plan, but not mine, and who make an alliance, but not of my Spirit, that they may add sin to sin; 2 who set out to go down to Egypt, without asking for my direction, to take refuge in the protection of Pharaoh and to seek shelter in the shadow of Egypt! 3 Therefore shall the protection of Pharaoh turn to your shame, and the shelter in the shadow of Egypt to your humiliation. 4 For though his officials are at Zoan and his envoys reach Hanes, 5 everyone comes to shame through a people that cannot profit them, that brings neither help nor profit, but shame and disgrace.”
6 An oracle on the beasts of the Negeb.
Through a land of trouble and anguish, from where come the lioness and the lion, the adder and the flying fiery serpent, they carry their riches on the backs of donkeys, and their treasures on the humps of camels, to a people that cannot profit them. 7 Egypt's help is worthless and empty; therefore I have called her “Rahab who sits still.”
A Rebellious People
8 And now, go, write it before them on a tablet and inscribe it in a book, that it may be for the time to come as a witness forever. 9 For they are a rebellious people, lying children, children unwilling to hear the instruction of the Lord; 10 who say to the seers, “Do not see,” and to the prophets, “Do not prophesy to us what is right; speak to us smooth things, prophesy illusions, 11 leave the way, turn aside from the path, let us hear no more about the Holy One of Israel.” 12 Therefore thus says the Holy One of Israel, “Because you despise this word and trust in oppression and perverseness and rely on them, 13 therefore this iniquity shall be to you like a breach in a high wall, bulging out and about to collapse, whose breaking comes suddenly, in an instant; 14 and its breaking is like that of a potter's vessel that is smashed so ruthlessly that among its fragments not a shard is found with which to take fire from the hearth, or to dip up water out of the cistern.”
15 For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” But you were unwilling, 16 and you said, “No! We will flee upon horses”; therefore you shall flee away; and, “We will ride upon swift steeds”; therefore your pursuers shall be swift. 17 A thousand shall flee at the threat of one; at the threat of five you shall flee, till you are left like a flagstaff on the top of a mountain, like a signal on a hill.
The Lord Will Be Gracious
18 Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.
19 For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. 20 And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. 21 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. 22 Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, “Be gone!”
23 And he will give rain for the seed with which you sow the ground, and bread, the produce of the ground, which will be rich and plenteous. In that day your livestock will graze in large pastures, 24 and the oxen and the donkeys that work the ground will eat seasoned fodder, which has been winnowed with shovel and fork. 25 And on every lofty mountain and every high hill there will be brooks running with water, in the day of the great slaughter, when the towers fall. 26 Moreover, the light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day when the Lord binds up the brokenness of his people, and heals the wounds inflicted by his blow.
27 Behold, the name of the Lord comes from afar, burning with his anger, and in thick rising smoke; his lips are full of fury, and his tongue is like a devouring fire; 28 his breath is like an overflowing stream that reaches up to the neck; to sift the nations with the sieve of destruction, and to place on the jaws of the peoples a bridle that leads astray.
29 You shall have a song as in the night when a holy feast is kept, and gladness of heart, as when one sets out to the sound of the flute to go to the mountain of the Lord, to the Rock of Israel. 30 And the Lord will cause his majestic voice to be heard and the descending blow of his arm to be seen, in furious anger and a flame of devouring fire, with a cloudburst and storm and hailstones. 31 The Assyrians will be terror-stricken at the voice of the Lord, when he strikes with his rod. 32 And every stroke of the appointed staff that the Lord lays on them will be to the sound of tambourines and lyres. Battling with brandished arm, he will fight with them.33 For a burning place has long been prepared; indeed, for the king it is made ready, its pyre made deep and wide, with fire and wood in abundance; the breath of the Lord, like a stream of sulfur, kindles it. ____ this was enough content for me to read every morning this week - and i’m still not done!
O you of little faith God has not failed you yet! When all looks dark and gloomy, You do soon forget -- Forget that He has led you, And gently cleared your way; On clouds has poured His sunshine, And turned your night to day. And if He’s helped you to this point, He will not fail you now, How it must wound His loving heart To see your anxious brow! Oh! doubt not any longer, To Him commit your way, Whom in the past you trusted, And is just the same today.
When Satan tempts me to despair And tells me of the guilt within Upward I look and see Him there Who made an end of all my sin Because the sinless Savior died My sinful soul is counted free For God the Just is satisfied To look on Him and pardon me To look on Him and pardon me trying to overcome the feeling the evil one tempts me to feel guilt about things i couldve done, things i couldve said earlier that because of disobedience i live with consequences that i am a broken person and that i bring hurt upon myself but i know that in Him there is no karma-esque thing Lord help me overcome

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though the music changes and the songs we sing we still lift our praises to our loving God and King Though the seasons change Your love remains Your love remains Lord, You've been faithful to plant the seeds and You will be faithful to always send Your rain
“Sometimes I hang onto my faith by my finger nails; when the dream of a new world of Jesus’ peace and love is more than two thousand years old and still shows no clear sign of coming true, anybody’s faith is bound to turn to doubt. And yet, if you asked me, I would tell you that I simply cannot give up my faith that Christ will come back some time and in some form to make the world work right again. Maybe I keep believing because I do not have the courage to live without hope, I cannot say for sure. If my hope feeds on my weakness, so be it. Whether I hope because I do not dare to stop hoping or because I have a faith too strong to be tempted to give it up tells me nothing about whether my dream will come true. But, weak as it may be, I do have faith and could not give it up even if keeping it proved only that I was a gullible dunce. This is where I find myself now on the journey that God and I have been on, at the station called hope, the one that comes right after gratitude and somewhere not far from journey’s end.”