HE DOES NOT GET IT. why everything changed so very quickly, why he had to see it all happen without being able to say a word ( yes. good ! somewhere quiet, somewhere soft. ). unable to tell any of them he was still there. always would be there. and angelica looks for him, angelica asks for him. angelica does not mourn. she doesn’t get it either. god knows it took him a while to get used to it. for a moment he thought his heart was still beating. that it had all been some kind of bad dream, the duel, the bullet, EVERYTHING. but oh, it had not. they didn’t see him, it seemed. they never would again. they don’t hear him. not his voice, not the piano. he had tried, too hard, to push each key. he could feel them, cold against fingers that seemed too slow, to barely reply. but they didn’t move. didn’t make a sound.
GOD KNOWS he tried speaking to angelica. making her laugh. to comfort everyone. the little ones. his mother, too. seeing tears in her eyes seemed to break his heart everytime. she needed him. she shouldn’t have had to take another heartbreak ( then, he had never plnned to D I E, back in Jersey. ). alexander wants to move. the guns, oh, he wishes he had never touched these. the guns are packed up. UPTOWN. they’re going uptown. and he grows scared he might end up stuck here. just like he’d been scared he might never leave that field. but dead or not, it seems he can follow. ghostly, aghast, truly dead, not even a body, barely a soul, trying too hard still, to be noticed. to let them all see him. it’s quiet here. he wishes he could fill up the silence with verses. with the laughter he, for so long, associated with their family. and he wanders. wanders near every single one of them. he’s there. he’s not. he doesn’t know. but if he’s stuck down on this earth, if it’s to watch over them, how come they can’t see him there ? how come he can’t just let them know he’s still thinking of them ? always will be.
HE SITS ALONE IN THE GARDEN. eliza is here, often. but he’s still alone. only watching. only wishing, she might somehow see him, each day, each time he comes near. for the first time, since his death, since they moved, he looks down at the ground, at the gates open. he cries. just wishing he could hold her one last time. with a smile, no bullet wound near. wishing, if he couldn’t go back in time, at least to get the chance to APOLOGIZE. for honor, for his father’s pride, he had let go of too much. and now came regrets. he was to stay here, alone, unable to tell her, oh, maybe forever. all of this for honor. in what world would have it been worth it ? his mother, of all people. she never deserved any hurt. and here he had been, not thinking enough. letting her heart break, again. he gets up. tries to get away. steps on her flowers. right into them. they don’t move.
@narratiive
