#narcotics kill

Then I'll randomly pop on here and see a few things of interest, though I'm pretty sure most of the users I follow(ed) probably no longer post - nor would I know which one they are because almost everyone has changed their usernames a shit-load of times.

So here I am - typing words into the void. I haven't been active on here, or pretty much anywhere, for quite some time. The past few years has been a constant uphill battle. I'm managing, but I have no life. I work all the time and it seems like that and help others (because I'm good at stuff) is all I do. I have no personal life, and haven't for what seems like eons (which is most of my adult life at this point and I'll be 40 in February - UGH).

For the past few years, I've worked at least 3 jobs + side work. I still do my eBay stuff, but it has taken a significant back-seat. More on that later.

In 2021 and up to June of 2022, I watched my father decline due to drug addiction until finally finding him dead on the floor after months of trying to help him and taking care of him (can't tell you how many times I picked him up off the floor, blitzed out of his mind, hurt from falling, bleeding all over the place, pissing (and sometimes shitting) himself... Unfortunately doctors and such won't believe when telling them what was going on and since my father wouldn't admit he had a problem to them, they would do nothing. I also did my own investigating to feed the detectives as much info as possible to try to nail the drug dealers. No idea what came of that, but I hope they're behind bars. It was a shit time of constant extreme stress - and while I hate to see how my father went, it was at least a weight taken off my shoulders.

In that same year, not long after the death of my father, I find out my ex got engaged and later that year married. Totally in her right to do so. Just came as unexpected as we did keep in contact up to that point and it was all very sudden. Sadly, haven't spoke since before all this happened, so I guess that chapter is closed. Sucks to not only lose a lover of 8 years, but also a best friend of even longer than that.

Same year, my landlord decides now that my father is dead that she wanted me out of the house so she could renovate it and sell it... No idea the correlation but I bargained with her by offering her way too much for the house since I had nowhere else to go and the real estate market was (and still is) dogshit. I had been looking for a house, and still am, but I haven't been so lucky. I am instead stuck with a bullshit lease, which holds me accountable for any and all repairs, plus paying for pretty much anything you could imagine. A few years later, and I'm still here. I'm letting an old friend stay here for free in my father's old bedroom. He was dealt a rough hand, so I figured I'd help him out.

I keep myself so busy all the time that I don't get to reflect on how depressed I actually am. Like, there's really no room in my mind for it, so it rarely gets to express itself. Though, I'm pretty sure it would be fairly obvious if anyone saw the way I'm living. It's usually just suppressed into voids of my mind and rarely surfaces. I know anything like that is all in the mind, so I'm able to function.

Almost 2 years ago now, I accidentally gave myself carbon monoxide poisoning working on one of my project cars. Still to this day I am having adverse affects from it related to my heart - which is fuckin' annoying. It comes and goes as it pleases. Also for now at least 6 months I've been having constant hand and tendon problems in primarily my left, but sometimes my right as well. I don't know if its my terrible genes or getting older just sucks this much. Oh, and I definitely need to get some dental work done as well - which is awesome because I don't have any kind of coverage of any kind.

However, as time goes on, I'm realizing that time is very limited. I'm desiring time to myself more and more. I'm heavily considering taking a big step back at my one job that I've been at for over 20 years. I would still prefer to be involved in some ways as I do thoroughly enjoy my customer-base and also many of the people I work with. I just need time to myself. That's all I've got after all. Pretty sure I've lost hope on trying to find a girlfriend ever again. Hell, I'm trying to carve out a little bit of time just to I can play games again, which I really missed doing.

I have been ramping up my inventory for the re-imagining of my eBay store. I'm going to fully legitimize it - just need a good name. Still with a focus on video games (both retro and current), but also PC hardware, watches, music gear, and of course car parts because well - those are all my hobbies. There may be some other stuff sprinkled in there. I plan to take some of the time I would normally be at the one job and redistribute it to working on building the store. I know monetarily it will work in my favor and it will provide me with more home time.

Well - this has been completely pointless other than to type into the void. I didn't even scratch the surface of what really goes on and nobody will read this anyhow. Sometimes I just need to decompress and I think that's what this was. I was hoping it would relax me so I could actually get some sleep, but nope - it's now almost 3:30 am and I need to be up at 8. Mornings are still fucking miserable. Whoever decided society had to function during the morning needs to eat a bullet.