#narc parent effect

For me the most difficult one is feeling that everything is useless.

I would no doubt objectively could be said making progress, development, change, and all those good things about improvement, but I lose all my senses to be aware of the progresses that I make. I feel trapped in a loop.

All my senses are blocked, it’s like nothing is flowing inside me. I feel stagnant. I feel like I’m in a box and just running around it that the only progress I make is moving around inside the box. Everything new I make just feels like another variation of activity I do, still, inside the box. 

I want to break free from this perspective and feeling alive again. I know that it is all the condition that I was made to grow and think about, I know this is all not me. But I can’t help feeling that way of years living in that conditioning. But I don’t know what to do to actually feel the break away. Should I kill the originator? to actually feel like I put an end to it?

Some people said they are dead inside. Me, I feel that I’m too much alive inside, but can’t express it. I actually can just begin here, and out of this perspective since I can be alone and everything is actually available, and it strange that I can’t use this objectivity.