#nadiya

This 5th Mia is one that has grieved what has happened and still feels awful about what she's done, even though her body moves on. This one knows the hurt the last 4 have caused, especially the 4th, and is working hard to prevent it, while being okay with living in a way the 4th one craved. This one is also just as unsure about living, but knows that the uncertainty of life can also be used to her advantage, too. This Mia is still working on being the good things she thought she was, while stripping herself of the bad things she developed. This Mia is fighting so fucking hard to strip herself of the severe self-hatred that stands in the way of progress. This Mia wants to be the one that the old Mia thought she was in the first place.

She knows that as many harms that the previous depression Mia's brought, they were essential Mia's that brought her so far. The 1st one helped her to process and live through her world and self-perception falling apart. The 2nd one was so hyper-aware - enough to know that who she was wasn't good and was her fault - and was kind enough to try to make the changes towards that, and brave enough to try to expand on a blank slate of themselves. The 3rd one went so far with that kindness that she irrationally, delusionally compared herself to her abuser and was even willing to die so she could not hurt her loved ones like she thought her existence would, a noble sacrifice not all would make. And that 4th one, as much as she did hurt her loved ones in a depression blur, lived through immense amounts of physical, mental, and emotional pain just to not disappoint them, even when it was so much easier to give up.

I have many negative things to say about myself - TRUST ME - but positives are where positives are.

This 5th Mia has made so much progress that you wouldn't believe it. She is one more Mia closer to the bridge between depression and "better", a bridge that we need to cross. But I don't think it's a bridge in this case. There's pieces of both in everything I do. But it is progress that we should get closer to making each and every day.

I need to compliment the few things I can about myself for the sake of my critically endangered self-esteem. So, what can I say about her that's positive and not completely negative?

I mean, like most of the other Mia's, she's hyper-aware, empathetic, and caring. But those traits are only there because they've been heightened as a part of the trauma response. So, what else?

This Mia is brave, I can say that. This Mia is fighting really hard this time, working on herself even when she doesn't want to, even when it's painful, even when she doesn't believe in it. To do so in the face of uncertainty is something that takes a lot of skill and courage. I like that this Mia looks at the lies her brain tells and finally says "no". I like that this Mia is starting to adapt to sadness and solitude, even if it hurts so badly. This Mia has interacted more socially recently, and I see how she can still be sweet, kind, and giggly like she used to be. This Mia has empathy, this Mia cares, and this Mia is still, well, Mia, depression or not.

I'm really, really proud of Depression Mia #5 for processing living in a way the last few Mia's haven't. It was an anxiety that nearly physically killed the last two. I'm glad that she eventually learned to adapt to it, even if she still sometimes thinks that death would be an easier way out. This Mia's doing the hard work of improvement that she should have done before. I hope that the load gets lighter for her. I hope that she can carry on the torch for them and can live to share our scars.

I told the last Mia, Mia #4, that I would be a good designer for her at birth. I let her down in many areas, yes, but I won't this time. Not this version. I know better.

I write this with the ashes of Depression Mia #4. She knows her time has come, that it's that point in the progression, although damn she had some lucid clarity in her last moments. I thank her very much for her help and her ambition and let her go as I let her spirit guide this next one. I hug and kiss Depression Mia #5's hands as I infuse the souls of every Mia that came before her. I give her restraint, hope, clarity, regulation, motivation, and kindness. I have great hope for her. It feels different this time. It feels.. stable.

Until the next Mia comes, depression variant or not, I will give this Mia everything I got. I hope she knows how proud I am of her, and how just her existence speaks volumes. I hope she knows that one day, peace will show itself in ways she never expected, like before. I hope that there never comes a day where the distortions in her mind nearly win like before. I've seen her smile like she used to, which I'm so grateful for, but now I hope that her infectious laughter is the next thing to bounce off her walls.

This Mia is the product of every Mia who has ever suffered, ever cried, ever dragged herself through the day just to live against her will. Her mere existence is proof that we are strong, that we are capable of better. With that fact and her hope in mind, I have great faith for the future.

Maybe I should stop calling you Depression Mia #5 and start calling you our little light, our hope. Nadiya would be such a cute name if your real name wasn't already so pretty.

Break the cycle. Make us proud. I'll still be here rooting for you as I perfect your designs like the designer I pride myself on being. I'll make you proud, too, my child. I can't fail again. May my love and hope for you carry you forward in your darkest hours until the light finds its way. May these days provide you with love and joy, and may your nights wrap you tightly in warm blankies. You are a beacon of life that is the product of weeping prayers and uncertain nights, and just you being here is enough to make past Mia's proud. Remember that.

Be everything we want to be. Please. Learn from past mistakes. May we finally bring peace. May your actions be able to show off the sweetheart I know you can truly be. And as I let you off into this world, as much as there is to doubt, never doubt how much you are loved, if not others, then by me.

Until Number 6 or Number 1 comes, may you be the wonderful little fighter that you are.