#mythoughtsonyou

Ive spent this year as what seems to be just a person simply existing. I never would have imagined how empty one could feel in the absence of you. Ive told myself time and time again that losing you was a way for me to find myself but in all honesty the day you walked out the door you took all of what i loved about me with you. It took me 8 months to stop crying every time your name crossed me mind. Another 3 for me to be able to truly smile without feeling my cheek muscles object as i tried to force people to see that i was “happy” and in that last month of this year i finally realized that was it you are never coming back. My heart has been everything from shattered to pieces to cold and dark to finally feeling like colors could start to wash back in. Ive tried to fill the space you left countless times with people who resemble everything that I miss. It continues to show me that maybe everything i thought i loved and longed for was all wrong this whole time. Because these men i find hold so many pieces of you and they all break me just the same. Sure I’ve tried to stray from the path and try new destinations in people who seem like foreign countries compared to the home you built in me but they never seem to ignite the fire in my soul like the one you left embers of. I crave the electricity of their(your) fingertips on my skin, my heart skipping beats when they(you) tell me they’ve never felt like this before. And the trembling throughout my body as I’m embraced by the ghost of you embodied in them.