Letter #199: Lessons I Learned While Being Single For Two Years
Had I not spent the last two years being single, this would have never happened.
I surprised one of my best friends,Ā blancharddewave last night for his birthday. It went perfectly as planned. It was my first time doing something like that for a friend- male or female...and frankly, anyone that was not my girlfriend.Ā I had never really been a good friend. I was a decent friend, at best. I was aĀ convenientĀ friend. I wouldn't go out of my way to do somethingĀ for someone else.Ā
But, that was before I decided to take a hiatus.
A very good friend of mine suggested that for once in my life I take my mind off women. See, in the past, I would let any woman into my life that seemed to primary meet my standards for a partner, without an extended period of consideration. I had never ever been deliberately single.
And boy, was it hard to stay single.
Im in my late 20's. Women my age are looking for a husband. It seems like many of them have an engagement ring for you to try on during the first date. This not dating thing wasn't going so well at first. What do you do when you meet a beautiful woman who has everything you want? You date her, I know. Except for me.
Why? Because I'm not dating for two years.Ā
You don't know how low you feel when you have to turn down a smart, kind, sweet, fun workout buddy because you know you won't be able to not flirt with her. It gets worse. She cuts you off. Wait, I thought she just wanted to be friends anyway?! I had to find a plan B. I couldn't keep being 'friends' with these women. It was too hard to keep my distance emotionally.Ā
Once a woman listens to me, she has me right where she wants me, in love.
So, I had to start calling my guy friends when I wanted to be emotional (After I made the decision to stop communicating with most women after 10pm). That sounds weird, right? Can imagine two guys being vulnerable with each other? Telling each other how a girl just hurt them. Yeah, I know, super weird, yo. Well, it happened. Time and time again.
Or I would spend that time in prayer.Ā
I stopped calling my female friends to hang out. Instead I started calling my guy friends to sit around and do nothing with. I worked on my relationships with my mans and them. I started only hanging out with girls in groups. And when I did, I noticed something very profound about this experience. I was able to gain an objective view of them in a group setting. They weren't on their best behavior anymore. I could see how they treated their friends, other men, and strangers too.
The girls I thought I wanted, I didn't anymore.Ā
Other ones started to grow on me. We could actually become friends now that I wasn't trying figure how to make them like me. I got my heart broken too. I had to watch as girls that I wanted got pursued by my more than qualified male friends. I wouldn't wish that agony upon any man. But man, did it help me draw near to God. Crying yourself to sleep has a strange way of purifying you.
I am better man for it now, though.
I have better self control. I have a community of loved ones who's affection isn't only based on if they like me back or not * I hope*. My relationships are well rounded. I'm not so isolated anymore. I still enjoy a healthy amount of isolation, but now, I also hang out with the homies.
But that's not it.
I've read more books than I ever have. Twenty- four, or something like that. It's crazy. I'm actually a man now. Whatever that means. I have found my purpose. I've launched businesses. I've traveled to some cool places in the US. So ill. I'm having a lot of fun. I don't know if I'm ready to give this single life up yet. I like reading now. I've even run my first 5K.Ā
I feel like I still think about marriage way too much.
So, I'm working on that. But I'm happy. I'm having fun. This has been a great journey. I don't know if I'm ready to date. But I'm ready to hang out with some friends, a lot. Being single ain't so bad after all. If you've always been in out and of relationships like me, try being single for a couple of years. Set a date and commit to it. And no matter how amazing she is, chose yourself over her. If she's the one, she won't wanderĀ far. (No I don't know that to be true, but I'm hoping it is, at least for my sake.) Just try it. Then come back and tell me what amazing things happen for you.Ā
I hope you live before you die,
Antoine J. Edmonson
(We grabbed the photo here.)
