#mysoo

DEAR DYO,

                  I am re-watching an episode of EXO 90:2014 with you in it and it was the episode wherein Luhan was the MV lead. I stopped for a while at the beginning of the video when I realized that it’s Luhan’s MV episode. I hesitated.

Can I take it?

Won’t I be sad?

But I proceeded to play the video anyway. There is still a part of me that is sensitive about Luhan and Kris. There is always a part of me that is afraid to see their faces because of the feeling and memory it might gonna envelop me. Even until now, I cannot bear to re-watch EXOST ever since it ended. I even haven’t watched the last part of the last episode. Because it’s gonna make me cry and I don’t wanna cry because I don’t know how to stop crying.

How can something that brought smiles and laughter and good memories to me suddenly make me feel the sadness and emptiness I never would’ve imagined? How can something so right suddenly feels so wrong? How can good times not last for so long? Why does it have to end? Why does it have to remain just a part of history? A history that can never ever repeat itself? 

                Six minutes through the video, I paused it. I dunno what part of the video made me do it but I suddenly hit the ‘space’ button and stare blank ahead. And remembered it’s already November. Few days from now, I’m gonna be celebrating my anniversary as an EXO-L. Few days from now and it’s gonna be the first anniversary of your first variety show together.

                Ahhhh. How fast time has passed? I look at myself and realized time passed oh so slowly for me. And when I looked at EXO, I realized how much a year feels like years for all of you and the fandom.

                Then memories come flooding in as my eyes started to sting. Memories I had with the complete of you. Memories I was able to capture within the short time left before the first piece fall through. Those tears and laughter shared. Those promises made. Those smiles exchanged. Those hopes of forever that everyone remembered. Those happy times that made us imagine a bright and long future ahead for one and all.

                I never knew it would only be just a dream.

                Why did we have to be awoken when the dream is already turning into reality? Why does life have to have a different plan for us? Why is everything taken a side turn? Aren’t we supposed to go straight ahead?

                I was already sobbing like mad when I asked a lot of ‘why’s’ in the air. Why did they have to give up? Why so soon? Why let us have a taste of bliss but never really give it to us wholly? And why am I crying now?

                I know I wasn’t fully recovered yet. And I know that Kris and Luhan would always have a sensitive spot on the corner of my heart that would nudge me every now and then, just like today. And I know this is not the last time that I’ll be crying over this. Blame me and my being sooo emotional and so nostalgic. This is my curse.

Within those 4 months before May 15, you were able to take a huge part of me that I cannot be able to get back. That I unknowingly let you creep up to my system like a sweet poison, enjoying the sweetness of it, never minding the venom. That I was able to give you my heart that I never tried giving to anyone before because it was meant to be for you.

                On that fateful day of the 15’th of May, I was able to realize how much I love you guys. I realized how strong I have to be and how strong I am, for you, for me. It made me realize that being here for you, being with you, is not always a bed of roses. That it isn’t always a peaceful road, that there are bumps here and there.  

                I am looking forward to more memories with you. It’s just too sad that there were people who stopped along the way and chose to look back to the past and stay with it, never moving forward. But I somehow understand. It must’ve been painful and hard for them to go on. Once or twice must be already enough for them.

                The road is still far too long ahead for you, EXO. It’s still stretched for as far as my eyes and heart can see. But I already promised to take the road with you. And that is the promise I am not intended to break. I know it’s still too early to say these things. But as of this moment, I am determined.

                As long as you’re there, I’m here.