#mygrad

Today was good!!!! I saw 4 patients by myself and wrote their notes and did a pretty good job! And left on time!! That was the best part. And then came home and had an early dinner, prepped food for tomorrow, cleaned the kitchen

This morning I woke up, had breakfast, went back to sleep until noon. Hung out with my parents, only had my first cup of coffee at 3pm, watched Netflix. It’s called relaxing, and I am loving it. It’s dark and rainy outside, and it has been all day. I had a wrap with beans, corn, tomatoes, spinach, carrots, and hummus for lunch. I ate some fresh strawberries that were buy one get one free. I’m a bit groggy, because the past three weeks I’ve been needing 2-3 cups of coffee a day to get through. But it’s okay, I can be groggy, I’m on break.

Summer semester starts next week - I’ll be home through Monday, back at school to take competencies on Wednesday, spending a couple days with my sister in MD, and then heading to a vacation house with my family for the long weekend. It looks like it’s going to be gross and rainy, so that’ll mean a lot of card games, tv watching, naps, and wine. Which sounds PERfect to me right now. Absolutely perfect.

I think I really have a lot to say about this year, but I wouldn’t have the time to get to it all and I honestly don’t want to talk about it all. Some things will just be and don’t need to be acknowledged and that’s fine. But I’m me, and I like getting closure, I like wrapping up time periods of my life, and I like going back on these things. So I guess it’s worth my while to go back through some of the things that seem most important/most relevant to me.

They said that we would all “become a family” during these years in grad school together - that we’d help each other through because it’s the only way to survive. That we’d become more than comfortable with each other because we’d spend all day every day together. By the end of the first summer semester I don’t think I can say that was true. By the end of this year....I can. I stuck to my little friend group for the first couple months, but most everyone has come together in some capacity over the past year

I made an instagram post on new years eve that said something about my new year’s resolution not being about food/weight/exercise this year, but about being happy and passing my classes. It sounds like the kind of thing that someone just ~says~ and it’s the kind of thing that I’ve just said before but not had the strength or been in the mental place to make it that way. I can genuinely say that this year I have. 

When I was in classes full time and also treating patients 3x/week, I simply did not have the time to get to the gym. Or rather, I could have, but I didn’t make it a priority. I did not work out for a solid 6-8 weeks straight. I drank wine in the evenings, I ordered pizza with my roommates and went out for drinks or dinner most weeks. I started making pasta for dinner (not chickpea pasta or black bean pasta or quinoa pasta....regular pasta) as a go-to because it was quick and satisfying and tasted good (dare I admit that pasta tastes good!??!). When I went out to dinner I order quesadillas and pastas and stir frys and sandwiches....I didn’t look at the menu ahead of time and I didn’t always order a salad.

I went through a breakup this semester. I was completely shattered for 2 weeks, and then I stood myself up, pulled myself together, and got my head back in the game. I enjoyed my time with my friends, I worked hard in my classes, I formed relationships with my patients. I took care of me, I focused on me, and not being accountable to anyone else or feeling like I had to update anyone else. I felt independent and capable and like I was getting shit done. *That* was an extremely important aspect to the way I grew this semester

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: being in clinic this past semester made me feel just awful about myself in ways I hadn’t felt before. I felt incompetent, I felt disorganized, I felt like I actually *couldn’t* handle what was on my plate. I came home and cried after clinic probably at least 25% of the days. I think I honestly increased my resting heart rate by ~40bpm this semester from clinic stress alone. I lost a bunch of weight, I gained some back, I lost it again. I’m not sure where I stand now, but that’s not the point. The point is that this semester was hard, it beat me down, it was exhausting.

But oh god was it worth it. I am infinitely thankful that through whatever algorithm or randomization or whatever formula they used to assign us to clinicals, I ended up in the first one. Notoriously the hardest one, but I knew I’d be able to handle it. And I did. And it reminded me of why I was here. Why I was studying so hard, why I was being pushed through coursework at breakneck speed. It’s not about me, it’s about the patients. They made me excited for clinic, their injuries/diagnoses challenged me to try new things, adjust my treatment plan, work a little bit harder.  My CI’s challenged me every single day, questioned everything I did, pushed me to develop my own way of thinking and working. I am thankful for everyone who played a role in teaching me this. 

Okay and now I’m done talking about this lol. That’s another thing about me this semester. I’m not sure if it’s related to my breakup or if it’s related to just not having time, but I don’t really tell people things anymore, unless I’m asked. If someone asks me how PT school/clinic is going, I’m more than happy to tell them the highlights and some stories or whatever. But if someone doesn’t ask, I never bring it up. I brush things off like they don’t matter, I don’t really talk about how busy I am. I don’t think anyone actually understands what my days look like because I never ever talk about it. I’m relatively sure it’s related to the fact that I was called “pretentious” for talking about this stuff early this year when I first started, and so now I just kind of shut down around it. But either way.....I really just don’t feel like typing more about this right now

I’ve got plans for this summer. I have class til 9 or 10 pm every night (except Fridays), but I have some gaps in the afternoon....and I’ve got plans. Again, don’t really feel like talking about it until it happens or is happening (if it happens), but I am very much looking forward to this semester, to afternoon breaks, to not having to juggle class and clinic anymore, and to enjoying my last summer not working full time.

Today was honestly...so. so good.

For some reason we did not have class scheduled for today, and I have clinic on MWF, so today was a free day for me. Off from class, off from clinic, off from notes and stress and responsibilities. I did not do a SINGLE thing related to class or clinic today (besides send in my note edits which took about 2 minutes), and it felt so. good.

I got out of bed around 10 this morning (the cats let me sleep in! Can’t believe it), had breakfast & coffee while watching NCIS. Left my apartment in shorts and a tshirt in 80deg weather at 11am and headed to target to get a few things that I needed and also some impulse buys heh. Treated myself to some starbucks coffee while I was there. Drove there and back with my windows open listening to old something corporate. Came home and organized everything. Pulled all my old textbooks/notebooks/binders with notes over the past year, made sure that everything was labeled and in order, that all my notes were printed and in binders. Cleaned my room for good measure.

Headed to the pool around 2pm with my roommates, met up with some other people there to lay out in the sun, stuck my legs in the pool, and hung out with friends. Headed back around 5, stopped at the store to get some charcoal and lighter fluid, and then made fajitas with my roommates + Matt on the charcoal grill outside while having a margarita. They turned out soooo good and I got the fire going by myself without needing to call a boy and cooked the chicken for everyone and honestly it was delicious. Came home just in time to watch grey’s while drinking another margarita; smelled like sunscreen and chlorine and fire. Felt AMAZING.

Cleaned the kitchen and made lunch for tomorrow during commercial breaks, took a shower after grey’s, and am now finishing my marg while watching station 19 with wet hair in my sleep clothes. Once this is over I’ll take out the trash, pack my bag for tomorrow, and head to sleep with my windows open.