#myface&misc

Around 4ish years ago— right after the breakup with my first and only partner— I was watching “real amateur lesbian porn” and watched one where they were having sex to Cherry Wine by Hozier and instead of being turned on I started crying because they were in LOVE (you could tell) and I was NOT

So I’ve been trying to figure out if I have anxiety and depression because I smoke weed. And I don’t think there’s a definitive answer or if there is I’m not gonna get it until I see professional for help. I think that probably me smoking weed doesn’t help those things at all in the long term (it does, ofc do so in the short term), but I don’t think the weed caused them. I don’t think these things happen to me and my brain works this way because I started smoking a lot of weed. I think they were there and now I have a weed problem which exacerbates the issue 😪😪

Okay whatever I don’t get a text back from the boy I like, okay, I can deal with that, but when my plug leaves me on read??????!!!!! Irreparable heartbreak, bro.

Is it normal to imagine slamming my head into something hard over and over and over and over again. Just like staring off at nothing, imagining me, taking my full force and slamming my entire skull against something much harder than my skull?? Does anyone else do this??? #replysnap #justgirlythings?

I feel like I’m too much!!! And I know I’ve said this before. And I know everyone says it always, but I really do feel like I am. I feel like I’ve been fighting a really long fight my entire life to like be open with people in a healthy way. To not bottle up my emotions, to not let them bubble up and explode over uncontrollably, to try and actually make sense of them and allow others to make sense of them. And it’s been so hard and so confusing. And then I start working on it and I just get constantly knocked back down. With my closest friends, I am manipulated and gaslit or I cry in front of them and they have literally no response. With my family, I try to communicate with them but it blows up, all the time, and always in my face. With my relationships, I am constantly taken advantage of, my trust abused, my generosity abused. And I am so confused at who I am supposed to be and what I’m supposed to try and do I’m so confused I can’t think anymore I’m so tired and exhausted this feels like it’s everyday I can’t fucking escape this emotional whiplash I am giving myself it’s so painful. I self harmed today for the first time in like 3 years, took a needle to my leg because it’s all I can bear without going into a panic attack at the sight of blood. And I feel confused like I did it on purpose or something, like I didn’t mean it. Like I just did it to do it. But the pain is so real I’ve been wanting to self harm for a while now just never had the empty mind and motivation to just do it and I did and I just guess I’m disappointed in myself because this is just life and I don’t know how to deal with it without wanting to die.

Learning to not listen to your trauma/baggage brain is a daily struggle, no matter the day, no matter the situation— toxic or not. It’s a constant battle my brain is enduring and it’s exhausting,,, the mental backflips and frontflips my mind is making impulsively that I have to actively fight against when I hear. It’s a very long process and life doesn’t make that process any easier. But the point is I’m trying! And I’m working through it! And I’m learning how to validate myself and others in healthy, compatible ways! I’m learning how to be okay with and actually fully ***feel*** these powerful strong emotions I’ve never been given the time or space to process! I’m recognizing I am still not at a point where I have all the time and space I need to process! That this whole thing is an ongoing experience, not a struggle inately, but a part of life! My life at least. And so I am learning to embrace it— because the other alternative is a way I refuse to live anymore.

Just cried so much on the way back home from my friends with benefits boi because I’m emotional and sad and just did acid so I got literally no sleep and I’m just wanting more. We are in a pandemic and the world is shit and I feel so lonely. But I’m not. I have my friends. And he’s my friend. Like actually my friend. Like clarified that he enjoyed being friends with me more than he liked having sex (not that the sex isn’t good because it’s gr8) which should’ve been nice to hear because I felt/feel the same way. I’ve told friends that I like being his friend more than having sex. My brain hears him say “I just got out of a 6 year long relationship so I can’t get into anything serious rn” and I understand, genuinely. But then also, simultaneously, my brain and my heart hear that and intrinsically ties it to him not liking me, or feeling uncomfortable around me. Like I’m doing something really wrong. Like something is really wrong with me. Like I’m just not worth it. Which isn’t true, and he would tell me that. Like as my friend he would tell me that’s not true. I know that, but I still feel it so hard. I still feel that sadness so so much. And it’s exhausting, I exhaust myself,,, really. I exhaust my friends. I feel like I exhaust him. I have too many emotions and literally no where to put them!!!!

I’ve had a bad day. I’m v sad. And I tried to have a good day and I just like ruined it. With my own shitty personality, I ruined it. And I ruined the puff pastry filling I was trying to make for my moms birthday because we only have salted butter in the house and you can’t fucking bake any component of a puff pastry with salted butter without heavily oversalting it. I spent.... so much money on those stupid vanilla pods I’m so fucking annoyed. I don’t even want to make the puff pastries now. I’m in such a bad mood. Being at my house makes me in such a bad mood. I’m so fucking annoyed constantly. I don’t want to be here. I just keep imagining like slamming my head against a wall really hard. I keep thinking about self harming, I haven’t in a very very long time and I probably won’t today, it’s just I get so frustrated and I just want to hurt myself. Like it distracts me or something. Or like the act of it is a way to channel and release the wlpenf up emotions I have that I don’t know what to do with. I know I have to and will just calm down, but I just feel so angry. I want to break something or kick something or just fuck something up and I guess my own body is the most accessible punching bag.