#myacestory

This is about that friend that wants to be more than friends. It’s not a great thing to go through. Loosing someone because you’re unable to give them what they want. I know many people outside of the ace community experience this...but this is about how I experienced it as someone who is aromantic asexual. So I had been friends with this girl for about a year. She knew I was ace, I knew she was gay. Simple? Right? We’re great friends, best friends actually. Even though it was an online friendship we were really close. Close enough to have the type of friendship that we stayed on the phone for 6+ hours or until someone fell asleep. To me that’s all it was, a really awesome friendship. To her... she was convinced that I would some day love her the way she loved me. Eventually she said those words. “I love you” not in a joking way. Not just saying “goodnight lurv u”... “I love you” Let me just say that this confused the crap out of me. I tried to blow it off. Joke around, tease her for being sappy and everything. She went along.. for about a week. Then she said it again. “I love you” But after that followed “I’m serious.” At that point in my life I hadn’t started believing that I was aromantic. I will say that after everything it was a big fat slap in the face of “you don’t feel romantic attraction!” But what did I do? I wanted the keep the friendship. I wanted to feel normal. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I said “I like you too” Boy did that put me down a painful path. I won’t explain everything that went on in our “relationship” but when it came to the point of her wanting to meet me I freaked out. She lived 8 hours away. Was it possible to meet? Yeah. Did I want to meet? Yeah. Was I scared to meet her? YEAH. So did we meet? No. Reason being, I felt like I was lying. I felt like us meeting would make her realize that I really didn’t like her. Guess what? Me avoiding the conversation and never saying yes clued her in and made her question how I felt about her. That conversation was the last one we had. Painful. The “I’m sorry” “I can’t be just friends” thing happened. Then nothing. No more messages. Unfriended on everything. And left with the thought that all friends will leave when you can’t give them what they need. So earlier when I said relationship in quotes...it’s because I still don’t consider that an actual relationship. It was just me trying to make someone else feel happy...and me having a small feeling of hope that I could feel normal. Don’t lie to yourself for the benefit of others. ~Kit

Towards the end of high school, I came to terms that I fell on the asexual spectrum. I was and still am learning about it, but in the beginning I thought it would be near impossible for me to find myself a partner. I know a lot of people these days seem to only want sex and such, no commitment. But I knew what I wanted. I wanted a partner. But I’m awkward and don’t really like talking to people, so I got myself a Tinder.

At this point I had been in college for 1.5 years, I should be “experimenting” or testing my waters. Which is what I did with Tinder (also in hopes of finding someone). I talked to a lot of people, but in the end met up with four people. They were all guys, and they were all very different. I never held back in telling them I was asexual. It was their responses that told me “this is not the guy to date”. 

Guy One: oh.. well I’m not. Does that mean you’ll never have sex? Cus if not then we would never workout. 

Guy Two: trust me, once you’ve been on one date with me, that’ll change everything. I’m the master at sex. 

Guy Three: okay, so sex is off the table. but we can do other stuff, right?

Guy Four: Oh.. okay. Did I pass any of your boundaries? Isn’t asexual when you don’t have sex or something? I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.

Obviously, with seeing these few guys, we did some things that I never pictured myself doing, especially in just a casual dating setting. But things happened, and I learned more about myself. I learned that I am not sex-repulsed, I just have no libido. 

The first three people clearly didn’t workout with me, but the final guy.. he did. More to that story, we were in his room. We had been talking about about two months, and this was our second time meeting. We watched TV, slowly started cuddling, and then things happened. When he said “I have condoms” and I said “oh this is gonna be awkward, but I’m asexual” (since that never came up in prior conversation) he immediately stopped everything. He then asked if he made me uncomfortable. Asked if I was okay. He was different from all the rest. He actually asked questions about being ace, too, wanting to get a better understanding. He said we didn’t need to have sex, and that my company was enough for him. He asked if it was okay for us to cuddle. And we talked about it for a good while before drifting off to a different topic. He was completely different from all the rest. And right then and there I knew this was going to turn into something more.

And it did. We’ve been dating a little over a year now, and he is moving in with me. Although he is not ace, he still respects that I am. If I say no to anything, he always stops.. I haven’t been this happy in a really long time, and I’m excited to see what the future brings us

I was never interested in dating, my friends only asked why I never dated once, and my reply had been “I’m not interested.”

My friends, bless them, accepted my response and never really brought it up again. It did, however, get me thinking on why I was never interested in dating. I don’t see the appeal, and the unspoken belief that dating eventually equals sex really repelled me of the idea of dating anyone.

I didn’t want sex and I didn’t want to date, even if my prospective partner didn’t want sex, I still wasn’t into the idea of dating.

When I accepted that, I never really thought about it. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the word Asexual and looked into it that I really understood. The word wasn’t so important, it wasn’t any big revelation or a moment of clarity. It was more “Oh, so that’s what it’s called. Okay, cool." 

this one time at work, my boss and co-worker was having a conversation about fifty shades, I didn’t like hearing it so I got up to leave, my co-worker grabs my arm and holds me in my seat, I was physically held to stay in a conversation about sex toys, they go into details and specifics too, they just laughed I laughed to keep from bawling my eyes out, i didnt know what to do, eventually they let me go and I walk away, later coming to where i was to finish up, I felt so belittled and isolated

moral of the story : aces are not children, if sex makes them uncomfortable that doesnt make them cute or innocent, they are adults like you and should be treated as such

ps. - this was how I got a big clue im ace

It wasn’t some huge affair or even really planned out, but I was chilling with my siblings while mom was cooking dinner in the kitchen, and romance and intimacy came up. I’m panromantic, and the biggest romantic/sap at heart, and while the family knew I was queer they didn’t know I was asexual; I soon found out they didn’t even know what that meant. Tumblr, and the online community in general (though I did avidly avoid the discourse via virtual parkour), had given me the comfort in my sexuality enough to say I was ace to them, and explained, when I got blank stares, that it was a lack of sexual attraction to others.

That came with the usual confusion of me hating the idea of sex, me being immature or a prude, and while a bit floored at how my little sister seemed adamant that there was something wrong with me…I somehow managed to explain that there’s different flavors of ace, some still like sex, some don’t, some don’t care, etc., but simply put it merely meant I didny look at people and feel any sexual want for them. My other siblings seemed to accept that, were pretty nice about it once it made sense, but my little sister just couldn’t understand…I’ll always remember how she actually scoffed and said that I couldn’t be in a romantic relationship without sex becauae it’d be unfair to the other person. I let the conversation drop after that, and now years later she’s matured enough to be much more understanding, but that moment has stuck with me.

I think it always will.

And not as a “woe is me, my sister is being mean” memory, but more of the notion that’s been drilled into a lot of people’s brains that intimacy and romance and love are synonymous with sex. I was sad, more than anything else, that my sister felt that way than upset that she was dismissing my asexuality like that. Remember kids! Whether you’re sex indifferent, repulsed, or positive, if you want and desire romance it’s your choice whether sex is involved or not; your partner NEVER has the right to demand sex from you, or to see it as inevitable/a requirement to your relationship. If they can’t respect your feelings on sex, they sure as hell don’t deserve it.

It took me a really long time to figure it out that I am ace. I had some sex-related trouble before my first and only relationship and I always thought that I lost interest in sex because of that. A friend in school at this time explained me the word of demisexual and I thought this would fit me good. Now I had a word for the lack of interest and I wasn’t afraid of being broken or something.

After I really had a strong bond with my friend and we even started a relationship (even if I am aro) I still felt nothing- no attraction at all. I really thought it might appear - if I would just give me the time. I noticed his interest in sex and started to think “he seems so interested in that, I really should try it out. The like for it will come , if I just force me to do so and force myself to like it”.

It took a long time where I tried to awake my interest and attraction. I knew I was not demisexual because after 3 years and the strongest bond ever experienced there was still NOTHING. And I was so afraid again that something is just so WRONG with me.

After a long time of googling and search on tumblr and the memory of my schoolfriend I came to the thought that I might be completely asexual. And I felt home and safe and NOT broken for the first time, but at the same time I was completely afraid. Would he break up with me if he knew I wasn’t liking the things we tried to “awake” my attraction? Would he think I am broken? Would my family hate me for not wanting to get my own children and their grandchildren(at least in the common way)? And would my normal friends accept me and not tell me something is wrong with me? Being agender and aromantic really made this fear bigger.

But after months of fear I came out to my boyfriend. It wad strange at first and he needed a bit to really understand it. But after another month we really talked about it and decided that he doesn’t need such stuff and accepted me like I am.

I still haven’t come out to my family. BUT– If you really find the right person that loves you with all their heart( no matter if in a romantic way/queer way/whatever way) you don’t need to be afraid, because I learnt that those people will accept you with every single part of your identity.

This is more about how I figured out that I was not in fact straight and learned to embrace my aroace-ness.

Of course looking back, every thing makes sense, I never had schoolyard crushes, and I never understood the appeal of talking about boys and who we had crushes on, I was mostly preoccupied by the fact that I wasn’t allowed to join the Boy Scouts. I digress.

I think breaking up with my last boyfriend was the catalyst I needed to realise that romantic/sexual relationships just weren’t for me. After we broke up I just didn’t understand why everyone was asking me if I was okay, how I was coping, and if I was upset. By response was usually, ‘I’m great… should I not be?’ For the most part I was relieved that I no longer had to hold hands and make out, have anyone touch me, and most importantly no sexy times. While I wasn’t upset by these things, I didn’t like them, I would much rather sit on opposite ends of a couch and watch The Avengers for the 40th time.

Anyway, after we broke up and I wasn’t sad even though I was apparently supposed to devastated, I started to think maybe I was never attracted to him, so I quietly embraced the Gray-Ace label but I was DEFINITELY romantic (Nope.) it wasn’t until a few months later that I started to realise that I just didn’t feel sexual attraction nor did I feel romantic attraction. I seemed to think that just because I had been in relationships I HAD to feel at least some attraction, and I totally did, I just now realise that I was conflating romantic/sexual attraction and platonic attraction.

As many people will tell you that moment of: “yeah, I’m ____, this is who I am!” Feels amazing, finally everything made sense! So I told some of my close friends and everyone was super supportive. I even got “well obviously, I’ve known since like 7th grade.” (I was like: dude! Why didn’t you tell me?). I was finally myself and it felt great. However, I still hadn’t told my mum, who I adore.

So I followed some Facebook pages and joined a meetup group, and started getting pretty active in the community, but then a comment I made got quite a bit of attention, it ended up being one of those comments that all your friends can see. Well, my aunt saw it and replied and it was great, she and my uncle are super open minded and fantastic people, so I wasn’t worried. I didn’t realise that my mum also saw it until she super awkwardly asked me about it on the phone. (Just a side note, after I said ‘so do you understand what that means?’ My mum said ‘yes… so do you like girls?’ Clearly a bit of a misunderstanding)

So to sum everything up: I’m an aromantic asexual (and aromatic too as my phone seems to think) also Facebook outed me before I was ready so I’m still salty about that. But I’m so much happier now!