i finally talked about the physical abuse in therapy yesterday. its one thing to tell friends and have it affirmed by friends but its another to talk to a professional who tells you unequivocally that it was abuse. of course, the entire unit has been in shambles for....12 plus hours. physically i have not stopped aching and trembling. i feel constantly ill and nauseous. teeth chattering shivers. brain fuzz and i blink and refocus and buzz and blink and refocus and buzz
jaw aches from how tight i have been clenching my teeth. sleeps been black and all consuming thankfully. ive only told a few people in detail about it. and even then there's some i don't talk about. ive just described the baseline so far.
havent even been able to write about it in detail without nearly vomiting. i wanted to throw up all yesterday.
im. overwhelmingly tired.
therapist is a gen x'er and i was like "hey. did you grow up with. physical discipline?" and she was like. "ah. yeah but from the way you're describing it ah. thats abuse. and ive thought that since you hinted at it." and like. i knew and i know but man. you spend up to 20 years of your life getting beaten for every infraction and of course we get weird about it. how can i not.
apparently my left shoulder is fucked up from it and i didn't know that???? she can like. see that or whatever.
crazy that my entire body is acting like this. straight into flare up ville.
i feel so goddamn small now that ive talked about it. i don't feel good. but god. theres a small but of relief but i can't stop feeling like the world is gonna blow up. because ive said something.
there's 0 chance i got back to sleep so ill. probably clean or something. put on headphones and do the dishes and clean the fridge maybe.
no ones going to hurt me right now. i know that. im as safe as i can manage today. im not going anywhere. im trying to get back to baseline functioning. thanking God we don't do very much for the holdiays because im so keyed up i don't think i can stand being around anyone right now.
i mean of course my freakouts are all internal so i just mostly look tired and sad. sluggish.
