#mwimh

Backstory

When I was little, I don't remember much, but I know I had meningitis. There was an outbreak at my kindergarten, and I got it really bad (this was before I moved to Faraway, by the way). Because of how dangerous it is and how fast it spreads, I was pretty much in isolation in the hospital. According to doctors, I had bad fevers and other symptoms that meant it was a miracle that I pulled through.

My only real memories were missing Mari, seeing crayoned pictures in my room being hung up, and a nurse who felt bad for me and read comic books out loud.

I guess one of the comic books had something about cloning, so I later invented this kind of story that I was actually a clone and my original copy had died of the sickness and that's why I couldn't remember, because it wasn't actually me who went through it. It fit with how I was, as my dad said, "not really the same after". It also fits with how the next time I saw my grandma, who was old and confused, she kept asking for "Haru" and denying I was her grandson.

Later on, I felt Haru's presence whenever I was lonely or screwed up or did something bad. When most prayed to God, I tried to talk with him to figure out what was wrong, what they screwed up when I was cloned, what I was doing that made my family look so worried and sad sometimes in comparison to how they saw Mari.

It got to the point where my memory would black out sometimes, and whenever I described the blackouts to Mari she said she could tell because I seemed almost a different person, seemingly brighter and more out-there and weirdly clingy with my parents (who I was very distant from after being sick) and not seeming to know my friends as well as I should. It scared me at first, but then I extended my prayers sometimes to wanting Haru to take control more, as he seemed to get the "good son" act that I never could.

Although I was sick when I was four, Haru part-grew, part-didn't with me. Like, his face and voice and stuff was still like me as a kid, but he got taller and his intellect mostly kept up. But some "babyish" habits that I abandoned after my sickness, like thumb sucking, persisted as when Haru was there Mom and Dad would find it endearing and wistful seeing me act like I did when I was "happier" (I don't know if I was actually happier, or just better at showing it with them). He also is more likely to see things very black-and-white and stand his ground on odd opinions, and his handwriting and drawing is a lot messier.

He hadn't fronted properly for a while in the time leading up to Mari, but I could feel him in the back and understand some of his thoughts and emotions and what he wanted and liked in comparison to myself. But after Mari died, and once Dad left and Mom was working all the time again, Haru was almost entirely silent. And I felt worse because I remembered the old baby story I told myself and felt I had "failed" at my "purpose" and should have just never been "created" (even as I knew that it can't have been real). Maybe I locked him away deep in my mind to protect him from all these big scary things that were already like that for me, I don't know.

He's slowly emerging back, carefully, as things settle and I figure out how to be a functional human again, but the collapse of the status quo leaves him wondering if he even has a place now in whatever ecosystem my mind is. And if he recognizes us as being at a hospital, doctor's office or similar location he usually darts right away and leaves me or whoever else picks up after wondering why we feel all stressed and scared and sad and alone.

Haru isn't a big fan of scary things or science fiction, unlike how I like comic books and cartoons. His favorite book is Paddington Bear, and every time he sees a train station he makes sure to look for any bears with name tags just in case.

Design

Haru's one of the only ones allowed color in my head. He exudes a sense of innocence, but at the same time, he's trapped in my early childhood in the way that he affects me. I drew him in pajamas both times because in a way, he never left the hospital properly.

The stuffed animal is a weird cat plush with a tail but no proper legs that was a baby toy of mine. It was thrown out at the hospital at some point.

Also, the red line represents the life support he was on. In that first dump, the red stand was some sort of solution. The red here is meant to stand out against the colder, softer color pallet I used for the rest of him. He gets a hospital bracelet too.

She's a big shadowy unknown mostly. I can kind of feel her, but I can't hear or talk to her these days, and as far as I know she's never fronted (though it's highly likely she has before without me remembering).

If I have to take a guess at what her purpose is, she probably absorbs thoughts or feelings that younger me didn't feel like a boy should have, or memories so they seem less scary in the context of me being a girl. I still don't really know, but that would fit with how she stays so locked off.

Moon also predates Mari's death, and after Omori felt her a few scant times and I never did at all.

Design

I basically just genderbent myself a bit, based on how sometimes Mari used to dress me in her old clothes in secret and would pretend I was her baby sister, or I'd do so if we were playing House. Not even my friends ever saw me like this apart from Basil once. If I drew her fullbody, her skirt would be going down really low as Mari's skirts and dresses were always so long on me.

Backstory

Like Austin, Riri's origins are a bit unknown. I know there were moments where I felt her and when she'd comfort me, separate from anything Austin would do, but I don't know if she started as an imaginary friend who became real or if she was always there. Her name was a lot earlier, though; it's apparently what I sometimes called Mari when I was younger, in the memories my messed-up self assigned to Haru.

She's the best at emotional comfort. Sweeping in at my absolute worst to make me feel a bit safe and comforted and not fully alone. On a more minor scale, she also serves as a voice of emotional reason. If I'm doing something I know is wrong, she wouldn't chastise me, but I'd feel her disappointment and it made me feel sick so I tried not to do wrong things.

Riri isn't the same as Mari, although they share some traits. She's more maternal than big sibling in how she acts, and she isn't a perfectionist.

During my worst fear episodes, focusing on Riri's presence and memories of Mari is what gets me through. She's also the only one capable of taking care of Austin, and Austin helps her a little too. They're like a couple of siblings close in age who have a much younger one to watch.

She's mostly so amazing and good at helping, but sometimes it can feel a bit suffocating or like she's too forgiving and understanding. I've also had times where I thought I was awake and can feel but I can't move and some shape like a twisted Riri would be standing over or lying on top or something, but I don't think that's her doing.

Riri also seems to settle into higher consciousness if I'm doing something that's hard or if I'm comforting others. She never takes more control than just, say, a light hand gesture - but she gives me strength.

Design

I had a physical appearance for Riri for almost as long as she's been noticed, but it changes a lot. Mostly with the length of her hair and her height. I drew her hair all flayed like that to distinguish her from Mari, whose hair is more flat, and incorporate elements of a sort of nightmare vision that I'm trying not to be so scared of.

Although I think of him as older, it's a childish sense of older, like the things I'd note set Mari and Hero apart from my friends in the same grade. He doesn't actually know much more than me about things.

Austin always excelled in trying to fix my messes. He's very anxious and finds it hard to talk, especially as he largely wanted me to present as normal most of the time (though he was gentle with the rest of us and would tell us that if it hurts us to hide we should find a compromise). When he'd be in control, he'd do things like tidy up, check on my friends if I hadn't talked to them in a while, read, do homework, and ask for help if we needed it (like in math). He's kind of a team with another presence of mine, coming in after the big feelings (like tantrums or panic attacks) or just before them to try and mitigate them. He's also very much involved with engaging with Haru, and is to him a little like Mari was to me.

He was really helpful to me and important, especially when I'd feel helpless or disconnected, but I did find him a little annoying sometimes as he'd start listing everything I could have done to avoid a bad outcome or finding solutions when I just want comfort. But he's comfortable, and nice, and knows when he's gone too far or listens if I can't take it right now.

Austin also really likes puzzles and mystery books, and he's the best gamer. He keeps trying to get the rest of us to start a more private journal to keep myself oriented, though I rarely have blackouts during important times these days (right now Austin is telling me that therapy counts as "important times", hah).

Design

He's grown-up and black and white as the rest of us, but has soft edges. Most other design choices are in the above. His eyes and Haru's are also different from the others as I used to draw them differently and they're the older ones.

Omori was my most prominent other self. After Mari died, I escaped from reality via dreaming and sleep, and when I was awake often these dream elements were carried with me to the waking world. But every time I managed to escape for a while, I'd remember and it'd all come crashing down again.

Remembering a memory when I sat at Mari's piano, a uniquely crafted model the maker called an "Omori", I adopted that name when I felt myself kind of form another version of me. One twelve years old from a few days before Mari died, who played with his friends and existed in a vacuum, who only ever existed in this faraway alternate world with no parents or rules or school or music lessons or anything. One who was, for the most part, oblivious.

But Omori grew curious, as I, Sunny, faced the reality of moving. I think maybe Omori realized so many times before, but either I managed to get rid of his memories or he did so to himself. For all I know each wipe could have been a brand-new Omori. I also felt two extra pieces break off Omori after a time, one protecting us, the other a punisher of sorts.

As I developed and started facing fears and reconnecting with friends, this bled into Omori's world. At the end of it all, when for the first time I decided not to let myself fall back into unknowing and when I saved Basil, I had no need for this sort of escapism. I thought maybe Omori would vanish or die, that the vicious scramble in my head was for his own self.

But that didn't happen. Instead, Omori's presence changed. I could tell which "memories", which emotions and thoughts and likes and dislikes that I felt unified on or weren't coming from me or any other distinct voice. And I never really felt Omori either go away or take charge. I don't know if this is the right terminology, but I think maybe Omori and I merged? Became one person? I'm not sure. But it's a nice thought, really, that after years of separation and infighting that we're both starting to properly live.

Having said that, there's a lot more me than there's Omori, as Omori largely thrived on distance and neutrality and drifting by and also kept himself very guarded. That doesn't make Omori any less important or deserving of nice things, though.

Although we both have overlap, Omori is more left-brained, focused on logic and facts and straightforward ways of getting through things, while Sunny is more right-brained. We can play off each other pretty nicely. And although I (Sunny) never feel Omori take total control anymore, sometimes he lets me zone out while taking control of a tedious chore or boring conversation so I don't have to think about it.

The parts of me that feel more like Omori aren't interested in deep conversations. Or blog passages. But there's a bit of Omori in everything I do now.

Design