#mustbang

“You can call me colonel mustang, hell you can call me the Flame alchemist..whatever you do to remember the pain”  🔥 🔥

South Africa

I was a guest on eNCA, South Africa's first 24-hour news broadcaster.

I had a blast chatting with reporter Dudu Ramela about dating, and more importantly, what her fridge revealed about her love life.

Here's my full report.

Dating is not black and white. That much we know. What we don’t know is what the perfect match is for us before that person comes along. When we get to know ourselves better and what we’re looking for though, we do have a roadmap that can help.

Looking at Dudu’s fridge, here’s what I picked up…

1. She’s Healthy…

In school, we all learned the classic formula: healthy diet + exercise = 1 foxy figure.

Dudu is clearly in it to win it. She’s downing tons of fruits and veggies, juices, lettuce (which is good for the digestive system ☺), mangoes and so on, plus no sugary sodas. Life is a balance and Dudu’s not all about health food, which I’m happy to see, but she’s clearly taking care of herself.

And if you can’t put your best foot forward when your single, you’re going to look a lot worse when you’re married. If someone puts in no effort, major red flag. Life is not getting any easier and our schedules only get harder to manage with a spouse, kids and so on.

They say if you want to know what your date will look like in 20 years, check out their mom or dad. I say check their fridge. Cause what they’re putting in their bodies now, and if they’re exercising, will say a lot about how they’re going to look in the future.

2. Her schedule is a bit crazed…

Chaos in one’s fridge usually means chaos in one’s life. Her Foods look like they’re giving each other a boost, trying to escape. That bottom shelf looks more crowded than the subway in Beijing.

This could also be a sign that she’s outgrown her space. This fridge might have served her as a starter fridge, but as she continues to move forward in her life and career, we often outgrow our spaces.

With her current lifestyle, and income, it looks like her fridge is getting small for her. Because the last time I saw such a lack of space, I was watching Slumdog Millionaire.

3. Hygiene anyone?

Now, Dudu's fridge may lack organization, but it is clean. Hygiene is important. If one lacks hygiene in their fridge, they probably do elsewhere (even more important).

And as we all learned in the Charlie Brown cartoons, no one wanted to smooch Pig Pen. This is where we put what will be in our body. If we neglect this, it’s a red flag on the hygiene front.

4. She’s a good host…

Dudu has a couple bottles of wine and shareable snacks like hummus and green olives, (which can also be used to garnish cocktails). I like to see someone who is a good host and date ready. Dating can be like the Boy Scouts: always be prepared.

We’ve all dated (or had a friend date) someone who didn’t have friends. And it’s always a red flag on the dating front. Dudu looks like she’s catering to friends and others’ tastes.

Now, from a match standpoint, I would never set Dudu up with a guy who’s sober. Personally, I drink and I sure wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life drinking alone. My wife and I love going to the wine country together. We love enjoying a drink together after work. We love sharing a bottle of wine over dinner. I couldn’t enjoy that with a woman who was sober.

5. Digs Mother Earth?

With her reusable water bottle and lemon wedges, it’s a clue that she’s both budget conscious (which is not a bad thing) and cares for the environment, rather than chuck plastic bottles on a daily basis. Now, on the environment front, I’d look for other clues, such as buying organic or buying foods within 100 kilometers from her home.

Her bottle could also be evidence that she exercises, as she might take that water on the go for her workouts.

6. Brands often reveal income...

Dudu shops at Woolworths, an upscale store in South Africa, which probably means she’s financially comfortable. Where we shop reveals a lot about our income and financial stability.

Our brands also say so much about who we are. All brands have a story to tell, a target demo and a media plan. So every brand we buy reveals a clue, from who we are, to what we read, to what we watch. I can’t see (nor do I know South Africa brands well), but this is something to keep in mind when you analyze your dates’ fridges.

What I can say is that a couple generics here and there are fine. But all generics are a red flag. If they’re pinching pennies in what they put in their body, they probably are in other areas of their life as well.

This doesn’t mean it’s a deal breaker, but their spending habits is something that will inevitably come up in your relationship.

7. Out and about…

As Dudu doesn’t have any sauces or condiments, I’d guess that she does most of her eating out and doesn’t cook much.

She might do some takeout, but if she did, she’d probably have at least a few condiments on standby. (And I don’t see her hoarding takeout packets like she’s stingy either). When single, it’s important to get out there and Dudu seems to be, a good thing.

Additional thoughts…

With the full cream milk, I’d bet it’s for coffee, as there’s no junk food and she doesn’t look like a stoner. A great dating move: brew fresh coffee for your date in the morning.

Smell is the most under-rated of the 5 senses on the dating front and it’s great to wake up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee (and something her date will associate with sleeping at Dudu’s pad).

Fridge Dating Scorecard (on scale of 1 to 10)

Shag on first date: 7 With Dudu's crazy work schedule, if she's into a dude, I don't see her wasting much time. She's not the most date ready girl I've seen, but with a couple of bottles of wine on standby, I see the ammo needed to grease the rails to Saucy Town.

Marry: 8 I see a major league prospect here. She's got a thriving career, is healthy, social and saucy. A question is does she have time in her life for a relationship right now, as her fridge reveals her schedule is over-tapped as it is.

Fridge Analysis

Last week I was featured in the Tampa Bay Times: http://tinyurl.com/mj2rxjt

The article covered part of my analysis of (Time page designer) Brittany Volk’s fridge.

Here's the full enchilada...

Stonehill Analysis

Diving into Brittany’s fridge, she might not be Queer Eye approved, but she does have a fab 5...

1. Environmentally (and socially) conscious

Brittany’s thinking beyond her own needs, an attractive quality in a partner…. • She has a water pitcher, which is environmentally friendly, (and cost conscious). • She has Bolthouse Farms, a sustainably farmed product. • We all love drinking. Why not support RED while you’re at it. She does with her Belvedere Vodka.

2. Healthy

Lets face it. If you’re not taking care of yourself when you’re single, you’re going to look a lot puffier when you’re married. Brittany is making an effort.

She’s downing healthy juices, plenty of greens, Veggie Burgers, yogurt, almonds, veggie burritos, salad, edamame and more. Yet, she still has a balance (which I like to see) and fun foods as well: everything in moderation, especially if you want to keep it up for the long run. She has desserts for when she needs a treat (or has a friend over) with ice cream, cookies and Gone Bananas.

3. She’s Social

The fact that Brittany likes to cook is a good sign she likes to host. She has garlic and lemon juice, which is like the WD40 of a kitchen, and with that much butter, she probably bakes. Plus, she has homemade beef chili in the freezer. (Sweet!)

As we all know, the path to a man’s heart (and Johnson) is through his stomach. Brittany is locked and loaded. She has meals for home, but not too much that she’s stuck there. That’s important when single: you need to get out and Brittany is.

In addition to cooking, she has a bottle of Belvedere, which shows she’s date ready. Plus, I like the fact that she has beers to serve as well.

4. On a Budget

There’s no right and wrong when it comes to dating, just what’s right and wrong for us. From her fridge, it seems like Brittany is starting out in her career. And that’s great. On the dating front, she’s probably a better match for a dude in a similar place.

Brittany has a Kenmore starter fridge model and one you’d probably find in a rental. This also shows she’s not as tied down as a homeowner, and thus more flexible to do the long distance thing, even move for a relationship.

She’s also mixes name brands with generics. Most of us are on a budget and generics have gotten better over the years. But I’m relieved she has Heinz ketchup. (If you can’t afford the extra 86 cents for Heinz, move back in with your parents)

5. Healthy Headed

Chaos in one’s fridge usually means chaos in one’s life. That fact that Brittany’s fridge is very clean and very organized tells me she has her shit together. Plus, as her fridge is clean, the odds are she is as well. Dirty people are fun to watch in movies, but not fun to shag in reality.

On a side note, Brittany’s a Tampa Resident. She has St. Pete Brewing Company, which is local to the area. If you’re looking for someone who’s geographically desirable (or from a similar locale), it can have a dating impact.

Overall

Dating is not an exact science. Can I say Brittany is for every dude? Obviously no. But I can say Brittany cooks, makes an effort to take care of herself, is social, drinks, has good hygiene and thinks about more than just herself.

If you ask me, that’s a pretty good start.

Fridge Dating Scorecard

Shag on first date: 7 She has booze to grease the rails to Saucy Town and the munchies on hand to keep him there. But nothing shouts out Seductress either.

Marry: 6 As Brittany is starting out in her career, I see her taking her time. When she gets there though, I dig what she has to offer.

NewYear Analysis

For today’s post, we have 'before' and 'after' photos of Tammela’s fridge, pre and post New Years. (And equally important, pre and post male roommate)

The top photo is a 'before', and the below photos are the 'after' pix to show her improvements.

When it comes to dating, we’re often attracted to chaos, but want a marriage with smooth sailing.

Chaos in one’s fridge usually means chaos in one’s life. As it’s post-New Years, it’s the perfect time to clean out your fridge and kick off 2015 on the right foot.

As nothing says more about who we are than what we eat and what we drink, eat and drink better this year. Not just for a week, but for the long haul. When you open your fridge, you should be inspired. Not forced to wade into the jungle again, thinking, ‘oh shit’.

For Tammela, when having a roommate, it’s important to think about how it affects your dating life. It you don’t draw boundaries, your roomie could have a negative impact.

Here’s a link to my Fridge Makeover video with Alicia, who was living with her male bestie, and had a fridge giving out mixed signals to her dates: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b80ZVXfjKjQ

Now, when Tammela lived with rommie, her fridge was a mess. And guys aren’t turned on by a shit-show.

They’ll gladly shag you no matter what your fridge looks like (baring frozen heads in freezer). But they’ll take you less seriously in the relationship realm. A messy fridge is neither a deal-breaker, nor do we expect spotless, but we’re more interested in women who have their shit together.

For Tammela, it’s clear her life was more chaotic before flying solo and since her roommate jettisoned, the chaos jettisoned with it. To kick off the year, and her new independence, she has cleaned out her fridge as part of her resolution process.

And I dig it!

In addition to her fridge cleanse, it’s clear she’s taking care of herself. She’s kicking off her day with Grape-nuts, downs plenty of salad and digs on sushi via the soy sauce. For protein, she’s going the salmon route and her icepack tells me she’s got sore muscles post workouts.

If you don’t look your best (and put your best foot forward) when single, you’re probably going to look worse when married. Tammela is putting in the kind of effort I like to see. Though personality is huge, we all want to visit Saucy Town with our significant other and attraction is key. If you’re not eating and drinking well, it’s a red flag.

I also like to see a balance, which Tammela has. To complement her healthy eats, she’s got pizza dough (and who doesn’t love pizza, let alone a chick who makes it from scratch), coconut-frozen treats and peppermint ice-cream. She also bakes and as we all know, the path to man’s heart (and Johnson), is through his stomach.

Though I’m a Jif man myself, I’m glad to see her peanut butter is organic, a sign she cares for her health and the environment, and she stocks other solid name brands in her lineup.

I believe in moderation, if you want to sustain your healthy habits. Though I love fast food, I make sure I earn those calories by surrounding those binges with workouts and healthy eating.

Well done, Tammela on your New Year improvements. It’s a lesson we should all consider for our diet and dating lives as we kickoff 2015.

Fridge Dating Scorecard

Shat on first date: 6 She takes care of herself, plus has late night munchies and dessert on hand if her date sticks around. She’s also got the beer and wine needed to make some fun mistakes.

She probably has some guy friends telling her it’s best to steer clear of Shagtown on date 1, so I like the odds better for date 2.

Marry: 7 She works out, has a bodacious bod, cooks, bakes and has guy friends. That’s a pretty good recipe for success.

I like that she puts her friends and fam front and center, via the pics on her fridge door. The only thing I’d be concerned about is that with that much wall-to-wall shit out there, is she leaving room in her life for someone else.

Boil your Bunny: 2 If I only saw her ‘before’ fridge pic, her Bunny Boiler score would be much higher. With that much chaos in her fridge, she probably had equal chaos in her life. (Chaos is a key ingredient for boiling bunnies)

Fridge Analysis

Stonehill,

I have been out with with this girl a few times and finally managed to get a shot of her fridge. I was only able to get this shot, without her catching me. She is a MILF who is going through a divorce, the jury is still out on the level of her craziness so I am hoping you can shed some light on it for me. Should I be running yet? Thanks for the help, bro!

-Brad

Stonehill Analysis

Brad,

Right off the bat, I’m excited for you. (And your penis) If this MILF is going through a divorce, she wants nothing more than to rock your world, and further justify that whatever problems she had in her marriage, it was her husband’s fault and he was a total dick.

So don’t run yet. At least not til she bangs you so much, you can’t run, just limp.

Now lets see what else our first MILF fridge tells us...

Even if she drinks beer, there’s enough here that she clearly wants to make her guy comfy. She even bought a variety pack to cover all the bases, from lager to stout. (Smart chick :) Plus, I’m making the assumption that her kids are not drinking age: if she was knocked up as a teenager, her fridge would probably be held together with duck tape.

Her fridge also tells me that she’s doing okay financially, and looking for better things from you than money. This is backed up by the fact that she’s buying only name brands: Philadelphia, Kraft, Silk and French’s are all Stonehill-approved: (though I’m a Gulden’s man myself).

One red flag is on the 3rd shelf from the bottom...is that a freakin’ wine box?? If so, that reinforces you’re in for a sprint, not a marathon. The women I know don’t drink their wine from cardboard. I mean, 2-Buck Chuck comes in a bottle. You’re clearly not dealing with a culture queen here.

Now, with a kid in the house, there’s a serious lack of quality kid food. I mean, where’s the Hawaiian Punch? The Smuckers Jelly? The Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup, the Log Cabin??? This MILF seems way uptight with her kid, which brings her up to Level 3 on the Wackpack Warning System.

This is crap news for Junior, but great news for you...uptight, conservative women are the biggest freaks in the bedroom. Scientific fact.

If you meet her kid, sneak him a box of Twinkies, and tell’m to hide it under his bed. That way, he’s on your side, and has another excuse to stay in his room and away from his mom’s door when she bangs you.

So set up camp and rest well tonight soldier. You have long battles ahead. And rest you must. You and your cavalry are going to need it.

Fridge Dating Scorecard

Shag on first date: 9.9 I don’t believe in 10’s, but this is a slam dunk on a 6 foot hoop. She needs to cure I’ll-Never-Get-Laid-Again syndrome and anything short of a seizure won’t blow this one.

Marry: 0.1 The poor girl is going through a divorce, don’t even think about it. And as she’s practically thinking like a guy right now, that’s the last thing on her mind.

Fridge Analysis

Stonehill,

I’ve been on 3 dates with Katie. I’m already getting an idea if this will go anywhere, but curious what you get from her Fridge.

Cheers,

-Ben

Stonehill Analysis

Ben, I can’t say Katie is a layup, but I can say she’s got potential.

She’s got multiple beer brands, Jello Pudding, Cinnamon Roll dough and quality OJ. That tells me one thing: Girl Next Door. And though it takes us decades to appreciate sweet ol’ Betty over clambake Veronica, sooner or later, we come to learn that GNDs are eight shades of awesome.

I’d assume she has multiple beer brands because she has multiple guy friends and aims to keep them happy. That’s a good thing. A girl who gets along well with men is a plus. The key is that she’s not afraid to disappoint her guy friends by having someone more important enter her life. Guys are often protective of their wing-women and a GND needs to draw boundaries between her buddies and her banging.

She does seem to be early on in her career as she’s clearly working, but not pulling in the big bucks. She does have name bands, but nothing upscale, except maybe her OJ as it’s not from concentrate. (For the record, Tropicana and Simply Orange are way better than Florida’s Natural).

There’s also nothing in her fridge that reveals she’s environmentally conscious except for the water pitcher, so I have to assume that’s to save dinero. And the salsa and dips are probably for a stash of chips in the cupboard. You know what that means? She likes football. (Giggidy-giggidy)

You could have a quality partner in crime here. But be aware of her boys and don’t try to win them over. No one likes an ass licker. Just sit back and lets it develop over time. If you’re not a douche, they’ll come around. Sooner or later.

Fridge Dating Scorecard

Shag on first date: 5 It’s middle of the road, cause she’s crossed on this front. She’s comfortable around men, took you home and obviously likes you. But at the same time, her boys have told her repeatedly that shagging a guy on the first date is poor dating strategy.

Marry: 7 I see upside here. Roadblocks could be an awkward attachment to her guy friends and she eats too much of her fridge stash. That or if she’s over 30, she might have a case of Peter Pan syndrome.

Fridge Analysis

Hey Stonehill,

Just met this girl the other night, don't know much about her yet. She's exactly my type, red hair and tattoos plus a nice curvy body and she claims to be bisexual so I'm hoping to get her in bed soon. Anything you can tell me about her fridge?

-Evon (The Witty Girl)

Stonehill Analysis

Hey Evon,

That’s crazy, she’s my type, too! Well, not really (and I’m married), but she does sound super saucy.

I’m really glad to hear from you. I’ve had the pleasure of breaking down several gay fridges, but this is my first request for a bisexual woman. Which is long overdue, as it happens to be my favorite kind ☺.

Now, in regard to her fridge, I did some extra homework on this one. Why? Because the number one thing that sticks out to me is ‘vegetarian’. There’s always been chatter that lesbians are more likely to fall into the don’t-eat-meat category.

Does this theory hold water? Well, I can’t say it’s the Hoover Dam, but it definitely holds something. An easy answer might be that lesbians are more likely to skew to the left of center politically as do vegetarians. Diving in further, here’s a quick roll of famous vegetarian lesbians: • Ellen Degeneris (One of my fave comedians) • Portia de Rossi • K.D. Lang • Martina Navrilatova (My fave female tennis player) • Susan B. Anthony (My favorite coin) • Billy Jean King • Sarah McLachlan (A fave songwriter) • Amy Ray (Indigo Girls, love them) • Meredith Baxter I feel like Adam Sandler can do a follow up to his Chanukah (and who’s Jewish) song with this impressive collection of A-list ladies. And though I joke about my appreciation for lesbians (and my desire to get invited to topless pillow fights), all bullshit aside, I respect the hell out of these women. Truly.

Now, focusing back on your Ginger, the vegetarian evidence is clear. She has Vegetable Pakoras from Trader Joe’s, Morning Star vegan ‘bacon’ strips, veggie sausage, Amy’s veggies burritos and Dr. Praeger’s veggie burgers.

Not sure if those sausage-looking links in the fridge are vegan, but the odds that she wants to make-out with you have improved. Nothing is universal, especially that a fridge determines sexual orientation, I’m just talking percentages.

I can also touch on the connection between tattoos and promiscuity (here’s an interesting article: http://tinyurl.com/kdqdxj5), but we’ll stick to what her fridge can tell us.

Per your question, I can see why she’s curvy. A red cap for most dairies means whole milk, a bev she should not be drinking unless she’s 6. It’s time for her to meet skim.

Now, I can’t tell you how quick you’ll get her into bed, but her fridge does say she’s date ready. This girl is a Grade-A host. She has multiple beer brands to cater to multiple tastes, plus the ammo needed for breakfast in bed, afternoon snacks, late night munchies, and dessert to top if it off.

Lastly, I’m glad to see she drinks. Yes, there are some saucy sober ladies out there, but lets face it: liquor has greased the rails to Titillation Town for millennium.

So go forth, young lady and be bold. If she won’t hop into bed with you, it’s her loss. Seriously. (And mine, I’m dying to hear what happens)

Fridge Dating Scorecard

Shag on first date: 8 Right off the bat, she went out of her way to tell you she’s bisexual. She’s obviously telling you this for a reason. She might not be a lay-up, but she sure as hell ain’t a 3-pointer.

Throw in her tattoos and her fridge-bisexual backup, I can see you cruising down Lucky Lane.

Marry: 4.5 This one’s tough for me to judge on the marriage factor. I have no idea if this girl will marry whomever she falls in love with, or she’s just experimenting with one side of the aisle.

I do like the fact she’s eating healthy, which is a great sign that she’ll hold up down the road. Plus, I dig she buys organic and clearly looks out for the environment, an attractive caring quality in a person.

Boil your Bunny: 5 Nothing screams wackypack to me, but there are a few yellow flags. She has a serious amount of schmutz on the bottom of her fridge and freezer, which offers evidence she’s not on top of things.

I also don’t like to see that her fridge shelves have been replaced with scrap from the lumberyard. I've met an endless amount of wealthy wackos, but financial struggles do add stress to the day-to-day.

Fridge Analysis

I sat down with Alytude Blogger Aly Walansky (alittlealytude.com) to discuss dating and her fridge.

Here's a link to 8 Things You Can Learn About Your Date By Looking in Their Fridge on the dating site HowAboutWe: http://tinyurl.com/kx5va5t

Here are the highlights of what Aly’s fridge says about her dating prospects, which can also be seen here with Aly commentary: http://tinyurl.com/pumhgac

Stonehill Analysis

I’ve never seen this much milk outside a pediatric unit, but we’ll get into that shortly.

Overall, I like what I see. Aly is healthy, though she’s not obsessive about it. I dig a balance and Aly’s got it.

Her big-ass jug of Naked Green Machine is perfect to fuel those workouts, water for on the go and confections to enjoy along the way.

She has Chobani to support a healthy diet, Coke Zero to limit calories where she can and veggie burgers to keep her on the slim side of town.

And if our gym teacher taught us one thing, it’s this: healthy diet + exercise = one saucy set.

I also can see Aly is a working professional. I have to assume one of those milks is for coffee to keep her sharp and on the go. (And I’m glad to see neither is whole milk, a major red flag)

Sticking to the work front, Aly seems financially sound. If she was on a super tight budget, she wouldn’t buy only name brands over generic or expensive high-end items such as Naked and ChristinEats.

She’s not flying first class yet, as her fridge is flying coach, but she’s clearly moving up. Most guys aren’t going out of their way to find a rich girl, but they do like to know a girl is comfortable and self-sufficient, as well as a woman who is building a career. (Go Aly :)

Aly is ready to make a meal when needed, but with her arsenal of condiments, she’s more about restaurants and takeout. When single, it’s vital to put yourself out there. Though it’s key to think positive, George Clooney dressed as the UPS Man won’t be banging down your door any time soon.

Here are a few other fridge items that stick out to me…

Aly drinks. I love a girl who can enjoy a glass of wine after work and Aly is prepared. There are no universal rights and wrongs when it comes to dating, just what’s right and wrong for us.

As the majority of dating, at least for the first few months, revolves around eating and drinking, I wouldn’t be a great match with a woman who’s sober. Now, I’m not saying a party girl is a plus, either.

It’s about finding a balance, like all aspects of life. If you drink and don’t enjoy drinking alone, it’s just something to consider as you look for the right partner.

Aly eats meat. As I like to stress, nothing is black and white, but I do find a correlation between one’s love of banging and one’s love of beef. Yes, many Vegans love to shag, too.

It’s just that food is one of the joys of life and if one denies themselves the joy of food, they tend to be deny themselves in other aspects of life as well.

Aly is a Girl Next Door. Though it takes us longer to appreciate, men love the girl next door. Yes, Veronica might be hot, but she’s a spoiled pain in the ass. Betty is for keeps.

A GND, can enjoy a beer and a burger. She can appreciate the finer things in life as well as hot wings while watching the game. Aly’s fridge has Negro Modelo, one of the best beers out of Mexico and the condiments perfect for grilling, wings and more. Plus, she’s got wine and luxe items that ladies love.

Aly’s Fridge is a bit frazzled. Where Aly can use a little work is in her fridge organization. Lets be frank: it’s a bit of a shit show. Some food item is not happy in that tinfoil.

Tupperware doesn’t need to live inside bigger Tupperware. Her freezer shouldn’t be a competition of who can get out first.

By no means does this fridge tell me she's wackypack. But it could clearly use some TLC. A tad of chaos in your fridge usually means a tad of chaos in your life.

Fridge Dating Scorecard (on scale of 1 to 10)

Bang on first date: 7 Aly’s got the wine, beer and munchies needed to loosen up at home and grease the rails to Saucy Town.

Aly does have a touch of the Girl Next Door though, and with that many guy friends in her life, she’s probably been advised to hold off on banging til at least the 2nd date.

Marry: 7 I see a well-rounded woman here, which most of us look for in a partner. She eats meat, but she’s also healthy. She drinks, but she’s not a basket case. She works and is building a career, yet finds time to smell the roses along the way. This is a woman I’d be happy to set up my buddies with.

Sleeping with the Enemy: 3.5 I don’t see anything in this fridge that screams obsessive. Her fridge can use a good cleaning and her lack of organization probably means she’s a bit frazzled in life.