#munchflower

A NOTE: I know. I know. We’re pariahs for even watching this, but it’s what we DO. Now you don’t have to. 

Munch: Happy Birthday Biscuits! It's almost your birthday and we're punishing you with watching Morbius! This seems very timely, given the memes. Plus it's our job to review shitty movies, so....I can't believe I'm paying money for this shit. But for once, Munch gets to go in blind!

Biscuits: We're hopping on the morb train. The meme bandwagon. The Morbus to Morbtown. Fun story! I wanted to see this movie. I was like - well Jared Leto is in it but you know....maybe it'll be like the Venom movies, not good but fun!

M: Morbius said bisexual pride? Those are the bi colors. Well that was loud. Cerra De La Muerte, why is it always some island of the fucking dead? How many islands of the dead are there? A helichopper is here, and Dr. Morb, looking very morb.

B: He looks like Jesus.

M: Don't give Jared Leto any more ideas.

An overwhelming number of bats.

B: That's not true, bats don't just mob and murder large animals.

M: Dr. Morb holds up his bloody hand and the bats just come out of fucking nowhere, there's like a brazillian of them. And now it's MORBIN TIME. But first, his back story. Back 25 years ago before the morbing.

B: He was a young, sickly boy.

M: Holy shit it's Jared Harris. This is going to become a running joke. Morb has a blood disease. He's....infected. Needs regular oil changes. Biscuits once again suckin' down margarita like it's going out of style.

B: Oh shit, Milo is dead! He's fucking dead! Oh morb is super smart and knows how to fix the IV machine because he's got big brains. And the kid just instantly gets back up. He's fine. The doctor wants him to go to a school for gifted kids.

M: This sounds vaguely familiar. Like x men. And harry potter. We still don't know who Milo is. Lucien who just almost died is now getting his ass handed to him by some juvenile delinquents. Is his name Milo or fucking Lucien??? They keep calling him both. Morbo is now all grown up and he graduated stupid young and I have no idea what this has to do with Milo.

B: This backstory is as chopped up as...I don't know.

M: Morby is still pretty sickly looking though. He refused the ‘noble’ prize. Oh Milo is the benefactor to all these weirdo experiments. Morbo has a ton of bats. He's gonna use vampire bats dna to cure his weird blood disease. Oh he's gonna inject a mouse. That mouse is gonna MORB. Science always goes so fast in movies. The mouse is deadski.

B: What was supposed to happen to the mouse? It gets morbed? To save my best friend Milo who I shared 45 seconds of screen time with! Now the little girl is dying. Get this girl 100cc's of....drugs!

M: So they put her in a coma. Because you know. Science. Oh the mouse is fine. It came back.

B: Got morbed. Now he's gonna morb this poor sick child.

M: Oh damn we get to see Milo again. He's still sick. Jared Harris is still here. He hasn't aged a day despite everyone else aging 25 years.

B: Is that the guy who played Dr. Who?

M: Yep. Milo Who.

B: Milo just straight up rejected him. No bitches for Morbius. You up for a little morbin? Love is one thing, morbin...that's another. Now a callback to 10 minutes ago.

Michael Morbius & Milo, aka the M&Ms

M: Morbius is morbin up some dna in international waters where it's totally legal.

B: The biggest thing in this movie right now is that the pacing is going at BREAKNECK speed, everything is so poorly established. They did do a good job of making Morbius look on the brink of death because I am expecting Jared Leto to fucking die at any given moment. Oh NIPPLES, NIPPLES!

M: Oh my god.

B: Oh they're putting it in his spine AHHHHHHHH. You've never had a needle in your spine, I have! AHHHHHH. He's very skinny, but when he morbs he's gonna get so jacked. His nipples will be fully engorged.

M: You can't say things like that and expect me not to put it in there. Things are getting kinky, they have to tie Morbo down while he morbs. He's having a seizure or something. The lights will flicker on and off. He's unstrapped, he was just strapped down.

B: The seedy boat dude is down here checking on Morbius but he's bad because he disrespects women. They're doing delicate celibate research.

M: Morbo is now not on the table. He's hanging from the fucking ceiling making howler monkey noises. They shoot at him, but it's too late, he's MORBED. Oh my god, he looks hysterical. He ate that guy and how he's destroying shit.

B: Like Venom, he doesn't like noises. That woman just got pushed and she fell unconscious. Oh shit BULLET TIME. It's like the matrix! It looks bad. It does look like the source material but it shouldn't.

M: I don't even know what's happening. Morbo morbed and is killing fucking everyone.

B: He's going on a complete murderous morbius rampage. It feels like the whole movie has happened already.

M: Morbo wakes up and he's going back to being...human.

B: See he's buff! And he's got HUGE TITTIES. Did you see how big his titties are???

M: You're killing me. You are titty obsessed.

(Dib: What does LGBT stand for?? Leto got big titties??)

Biscuits is a proud member of the LGBT community.

B: *dies laughing* Morbius has to make sure his girlfriend is okay. He can hear her heartbeat because he's part bat.

M: I hope he's part sailor because he's got to get that boat back to land. Oh he's gonna Mayday it. Oh by the way you MURDERED everyone. Might wanna not be there when the cops show up. Oh the FBI is here. Doctor girl is in a coma just from getting pushed over. Morbo left an origami calling card though. Which was dumb.

B: Milo is like - that sounds like my ex boyfriend Morbius, he used to do that shit all the time. We used to Morb. Morbius is visiting his girlfriend in a coma. Whoops, sorry. My bad.

M: Oh the effects are wearing off. He's doing the stanky leg. He's gotta KEEP MORBIN. Despite the horrific side effects of murdering everyone. He's gotta get some blood.

B: He's using a pouch of blood like a fucking capri sun. Like a goddamn go gurt. He's doing math to figure out how often he needs to eat blood.

M: Morbius is like - well I'm a vampire but I'm really strong and I have huge tits so.....

B: Jared Leto is not a good actor. He's gonna vibe with his bat friends.

M: BATS DON'T MOB AND KILL PEOPLE. It doesn't happen. Oh he's got echolocation too. Oh this effect is so....so incredible. Wow. I can't even describe for our home audience how cool that was. The fake blood is only keeping him good for six hours, that's pretty bad.

B: Kids, don't do Morb. Milo shows up where Morbo has left all of his research carefully unguarded. He's locked himself in a cage to contain himself. He's writing BLOOD on the wall.

M: Milo has said Michael like 80 times.

B: Milo tries to pet him like a dog, lol. Milo is just like - HEY YOU'RE STRONG NOW.

Morbs do not appreciate being petted.

M: Nevermind all the sweating and blood drinking and shit. Milo is the one bankrolling this shit. Milo just wants the morb juice, damn the consequences. He wants big titties. I think Dib called it. Milo is gonna go get the morb juice and become the bad guy.

B: Dr woman is alive and concious. She doesn't know anything. She was dead at the time.

M: Is the FBI really suggesting that it looks like a vampire did this?

B: This is the MCU, they've seen weirder. But where is Dr. Morbius? Did he kill those people? Find out the next episode of Mighty Morbin Power Rangers.

M: We are not even halfway through!

B: HOW??? Again, the pacing of this movie is genuinely jarring. I don't know if it was the director or the writers or what but it's like being on a rollercoaster with pieces of the track missing.

M: Oh I guess he morbed out again and he's eating someone. Maybe. Might be Milo Morbin. Nobody notices that Morbius is suddenly tanned and jacked.

B: I'd smash that. Say what you will but I would hit that. Nobody notices how good he looks. Did he get some of that Captain America juice???

M: Oh the FBI found him. But his fake blood saved one of them. But they're like - hey you look pretty good for a guy who is mostly dead.

B: Did you do anything suspicious on that boat? Like turn into a vampire and eat a bunch of guys? He has beautiful eyes. I don't approve of anything he's said or done in his entire life but he's attractive. Morbius is gonna morb out and fight these dudes with his vampire powers. Oh he's got good leaps. 

He’s neo-ing all over the place.

M: He's got a grab bag of powers that would make Wolverine Origins Deadpool jealous. The bullet time is my favorite one. Now he's in jail. But they let him journal. They brought holy water to the interrogation so apparently they believe he IS a vampire.

B: Well he's gotta be SOMETHING because they just saw him do like a 40 foot vertical leap.

M: That's fair. Morbius is like - well I might have killed some people but I'm not like other Morbs. Also I'm about to morb out right now. Please bring my bag of fake blood.

B: I'm starting to get hungry. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

M: Milo shows up pretending to be his lawyer. He's gonna be like - the only way to fix this is to give me the morb juice.

B: They're charging me with murder. Well you did kill people! You very much did kill people!

M: Ooh maybe Milo killed that woman. He stole the morb juice. He did bring him some stuff though.

B: He's not walking with his cane anymore, he totally did.

M: Now Morbo is gonna have to get out and take out his childhood bestie.

B: The movie is just like Jared Leto sweating simulator.

M: It's morbin time. Oh fucking SHIT. He's fucking breaking through a concrete wall, for fuck's sake. Oh he's doing BIG JUMPS now. Stops for a spiderman style moment on top of a building. Oh and he's got like super hearing. Oh yeah Milo is definitely a vampire. We are halfway through this movie.

B:  I don't understand what is happening??? Was this movie obliterated on the editing floor or was this how it was supposed to be??

M: What the fuck is the rest of the movie???

B: Jared Leto being sweaty.

M: Milo is like - hey it's cool.

B: Milo's supervillian arc happened so fast. I don't even have a word for how nonsensical this movie's pacing is. Milo has Black Canary's sonic scream. Vampire wrestling match in the subway. The trail effect is kinda hokey.

M: I'm not sure public is the best place for this conversation. Morbo is still wearing prison orange. Milo kills the cops who shows up and even more amazing effects. He fortnite dances. MICHEAAAAAAL.

B: Hey Mikey....Mikey baby...honey.

M: The rest of this movie is just slow mo effects shots. I don't think this is supposed to be funny but it really is. I don't even know what's happening to Jesus Morbius right now. Oh he's fucking FLYING. Just...flying. In the subway. I....I don't....

He’s playin’ the base and I’m FLYIN!

B: Not sure about that one, chief.

M: Milo is gonna go after doctor girl. To make Morbo mad I guess.

B: She's so important to this movie and I'm so invested in her arc. She's reading about how Morbius is wanted for murder but he's on the bus with her. Milo is using his science for EVIL.

M: Now they're in a diner. The issue is, when the fake blood stops working, I morb out. It's kinda bad. Some counterfeiters try to give a woman fake money after she knows it's fake.

B: Morbo is gonna go exact justice. They just counterfeited! I'm not sure they deserve to get fucking murdered.

M: This is the important counterfeiter arc. Is this really happening? We need to slow down the movie RIGHT NOW for this shit.

B: They're trying to show that he's a tortured soul. He's an anti hero. You never know what he's gonna do!

M: He's gonna take their lab? It's for making fake money, not science.

B: I don't know how counterfeiting equipment is gonna help him do blood science.

M: He seriously just made a venom reference??

B: He's a loose cannon Morb on the edge.

M: How is there this much tech in a money lab. And now the Milo sexy dance sequence that is really happening. He's very pleased with his titties I guess. This is really happening. The spiderman dance sequence is now no longer the most hilariously awful dance sequence in a marvel movie.

B: They could have cut that and it would have made no difference. Why is that in here? Milo is creeping on women at the bar now.

M: Can vampires drink tequila? I'm so lost about what is even happening. They don't need to establish that he's a bad guy! We already did that! We know he's a vampire and he killed people! But now he's just out there....roaming around??

B: Scenes in a movie don't really need to like...go together or have any work up or connection, right? Just put em wherever! In whatever order! It doesn't matter. Now Dr. Lady and Milo BadGuy are at Michael's lab and Milo is like - I want to help Morbo, do you know where he is?

M: But she already knows he's a vampire so... I guess he's just gonna leave.

B: Her character is just so incredibly not important to this movie. M: We are 2/3rds of the way through. Now we gotta drag out the final confrontation for another half hour. The FBI doing some fine work here. Oh no Dr. Lady Woman got scratched and Morbius smells the good juice and he's trying not to morb out. I love the whole fucking ‘on red’ shit.

B: ‘On red’ sounds like a euphemism for getting your vampire period. They're having such deep conversation. I really feel the chemistry between these two. None of this would have happened if they cast Keanu Reeves. He also has nice titties. If you just need a dude with nice titties, there's lots of options.

M: Oh they're KISSING. But Milo is watching from 10 miles away because he can do that now. The FBI again doing really important work. They're probably the most interesting characters.

B: The CCTV seems to show a guy getting fucking eaten by a vampire. Because that's how that works and it's not grainy or anything.

M: Jared Harris is like oh no....vampires. Maybe he's gonna be like some sort of vampire mentor. Or he's just gonna die because Milo's gonna murder him. The movie has started dragging ass. Milo has daddy issues. Now there's a showdown with Jared Harris about liking Morbo more. And apparently he just knows Milo's a vampire and he's like - okay? Oh he dead. Milo is a terrible villian ffs.

B: His arc makes no sense.

M: Now more bullshit blood science because Morbo has to die a hero. But there's a big problem with your plan MORBO, because Milo is not dead.

B: He's gonna try to inject Milo first, I think.

M: Jared Harris isn't dead tho so he calls Morbo who of course runs to help him because he's dumb. You can't just walk into a hospital, Dr. Morbo. And he's dead.

B: OH NO HE'S DEAD. This character who had like two scenes in the entire movie. But Morbo has super good ears and he can hear Milo threatening his girlfriend and so he's gonna go out with full ugly vampire face on and echolocate himself some bitches.

No bitches? Try echolocation.

M: That's how echolocation works.

B: He's....soaring.

M: The flying shit fucking kills me, it's so funny. Dr. LadyWoman is dying.

B: Use her tasty blood to make you stronger. Everyone is dying in a ten minute timespan now. They could have cut half this movie out and replaced it with some shit that makes sense. He angry!

M: Can we please do the final showdown and end this?

B: I'm gonna have to take a massive shit in a few minutes so can we wrap this up?

M: Morbo is getting his ass kicked.

(Dib: He's gonna inject himself with the blood and make Milo drink him.)

M: Quit calling everything!

B: Wow this is a really well edited action sequence where I can definitely follow what's going on.

M: And not badly lit at all. Oh it's time for the MORBIUS SCREAM which apparently fucking summons bats???

B: Morbius sucks. He just got his ass handed to him.

M: Oh you've gotta be kidding me. Are the bats gonna like...resurrect him? Eat Milo?? What!??! This is inadvertently HILARIOUS. More slow mo. Morbo is fucking conducting the bats like it's a fucking orchestra. This is really happening. They're attacking Milo.

B: *sadly* Oh nooooo.

M: He injects Milo with the stuff.

B: Get morbed. Mikey...I thought we were bros, dude. All of our bro moments. Our broments.

M: Is this over yet? Milo's dead.

B: Fellas, is it gay to stab your homies goodnight?

M: The cops....again. Time to morb out. A comically large amount of bats and Morbius Neos the fuck out of there. But Dr. Girlfriend is gonna come back??

B: Did his bite morb her into a vampire? That's the end?? O....kay.....

M: In the after credit scene...Michael Keaton is here???? He just got like...portalled into a room.

B: What does he have to do with Morbius??? The multiverse thing???

M: I....don't know. I really like the bisexual lighting honestly but that's like...the only thing.

B: What...no Morbius rap song????

M: Closing thoughts?

B: This movie is a TRAINWRECK. It's kind of entertaining in it's badness. It's so insane. I don't know how much was the director or the writer or the editors but it feels like three different movies spliced together. Half of it feels like there's scenes that are missing and the other half feels like filler that should have been cut out. There's no screen time given to developing the characters, I don't even know the doctor's name. All I can say is it's just a disaster.

M: I think you put it perfectly with the first and second half bits. It's so incredibly paced, I can't even describe it. It's so insane. It's way too fast and then way too slow and then way too fast again and it makes NO SENSE at all. I was kinda entertained, I will admit. I think it's unintentionally hilarious, and honestly all the morbin' time memes are dead on. He just morbs and there's zero explanation for his random powers or why they show up and when, it's just completely random. The special effects are really...something. Matt Smith could not villain his way out of a wet paper bag.

B: It's Morbin.

(Dib: How am I supposed to go on with my life now, now that I've been morbed???)

M: Munch and Biscuits and sometimes Dib, Morbin' out.

Munch: *heavy sigh* I hate this movie so so deeply. With an ass clenching passion. I hate this movie like I love girl scout cookies. I don't understand how they took such an amazing cast and turned it into this complete ass disaster of a film.

Biscuits: I've never seen this, so I don't know. Oh my god Larry (our skeleton) scared the shit out of me! Munch can't have alchohol but I'm having alcohol!

M: So the movie opens with some bullshitty shit mythology that Night pulled straight out of his asshole. It's not cohesive, it makes no sense and it doesn't even really set up a base for this absurdity.

B: This is like the opening of watership down but sort of vaguely aboriginal australian looking. Maybe it's just supposed to be generic ancient looking. Ah yes, wolves, the natural enemy of water sprites.

In the beginning, the great Frith created the world...

M: The mythology doesn't even make sense in the current era of things. Being the early 2000's in the movie. So here we are with Mr....Heep. Everything is named so stupidly. He's a plumber or a landlord or something and he's murdering a rat or something while the tenants scream ten times. I can't tell if this is supposed to be funny or not.

B: My brother with a spider in the bathroom. "It was small and bad!"

M: we are introduced to a number of colorful and not at all racist characters.

B: Is this racist?? It feels racist, like they told her to sound more asian. Speak in broken english. Isn't Night Indian??

M: Yeah.

B: Come on! Asian on asian racism!

M: and here's Reggie. My boy deserved better. Reggie has one huge arm. For reasons that are never really explained. He works out only on one side of his body. Because...

B: Good to see the Charger from Left 4 Dead 2 is keeping busy.

M: And a crew of random smokers who will become strangely relevant even tho they're never given names.  And some film critic dude.

B: Damn is that my room? I feel called out. They hired me to be a local film critic for tumblr! I'm very smart and all my criticisms are right! I guess there's a war going on?

M: You remember the great war of...2006? So Mr. Heep is out by the pool and a naked chick just stole his keys. She is not human. She is....a narf. No that's really what she's called. He goes in after her because he thinks she drowned or some shit and sloshes around sadly and gets out.

B: And falls back in? They made it look very convincing. He wakes up and the floor is wet, been there. There's a WOMAN. Staring creepily at him.

M: But she had enough sense to get dressed and she speaks English. She asks him if he feels an awakening, which isn't at all weird.

B: This movie is weird. The woman's name is Story. It's like a metaphor or something.

M: It's pretentious bullshit!

B: Take a clue, Lady, he's not interested in your magical vision quest and you can get the fuck out of this apartment. She’s not a kid! that's a grown ass woman! Why did you mention her being a ‘kid’ and then have all this weird almost sexual implication with her and be all weird touchy feely? You couldn't put pants on the supposed child??

M: Man wakes to weird lady in his apartment, just rolls with it.

B: Probably assumes she's just another crackhead.

M: And now the grass wolf. Which is after Story for reasons. So they run back inside, was he just gonna throw her in the pool again?? He tries to describe the grass wolf to a pest control dude but he just sounds bonkers. Which anyone would because there's a crackhead pool lady and a grass wolf and this dude is just trying to maintain these apartments. Story discovers his shower. Mr. Heep wants information on the narf which he isn’t getting because they were made up for this movie.

B: He has the least convincing stutter ever.

M: He goes to the racist caricature lady's racist caricature mom who tell him about the narf which is like a sea nymph.

B:  I like how she's translating before her mom even stops talking.

M: More alchohol?? You're gonna pass out before this is over.

B:  I'm just...bringing it out here. In case I want more. She'll bring a great eagle? but why??

M: THE CHILD IN YOUR APARTMENT IS NAKED, HEEP. He's trying to solve this...mystery? Story is looking for someone? But we know absolutely nothing else.

B:  But he's just staring at the naked child. this is so icky, I don't like it. Maybe if they hadn't emphasized how young she was? Maybe don't have her have this weird almost romantic tension with an old guy?

M: So Mr Heep has to go around his weird apartment complex and try to find this magical person by interviewing the very colorful tenants. Like old butterfly lady, weird writer guy, one arm buff dude, overly attentive small child and wordsmith dad, room full of smoking dudes, and the worst part is that this cast of weirdos has the propensity to be so amazing and intense and make a just off the wall madcap story but alas....

B: Damn I remember when my dad told me not to put my clothes in the garbage disposal.

M: Your dad wouldn't do that.

B: My dad would put his clothes in the garbage disposal. Why is this character so racist? You know she can talk just fine, why is she referring to herself in third person?? It has to be exotic I guess? Some ethnic woman needs to impart the mythical story. Meanwhile Story is getting into stuff, and still not wearing pants.

M: and introducing M. Night in his own movie! So cool! So not self aggrandizing! So not narcissistic! He's a writer! Who doesn't do laundry.

B: m. night's self insert oc.

M: This is the worst part, is that this character becomes the super important linchpin of this whole dumb story.

B:  Okay Story....that's a good way to get exposition out, just have a character say it AT you. Just tell Mr. Heep exactly what the plot is.

M: Mr Heep thinks he's solved the mystery but since the movie is not over, he hasn't. He brings Night in to talk to Story because apparently he's the mystical writer dude except he just gets anxiety and leaves. This dialogue is so weird.

B:  Just sounds like Mr Heep is inviting him for a threesome. Mr Heep is just gonna keep his pet woman around. He's like Tom Bombadil, just keeping some random elf woman in his place. Also not being really relevant to anything.

M: He can't let Story go back in the apartments pool because there's a grass wolf and rules. Thank you for letting me wear your beautiful shirt.

B: He couldn't let her wear any of his beautiful pants tho. I just don't get why she has to be mostly naked all the time in this context?? I don't understand it. So I guess she just went back to live in the pool?? Okay? Something happened, she's upset and she's been scratched.

M: Grass wolf in slow mo! It's not safe! She gon' die now because grass wolf scritches are deadly to...narfs. So they brought her to M. Night's place. Like you do. His sister assumes Mr. Heep is banging her.

B: Who wouldn’t?! He's actually been respectful though. I wish I could look at a naked woman and just start writing again, is that what I'm missing?

M: It works for me. Now we gotta consult the stereotypes for more lore.

B: Scrunt?? (laughs) Scrunt.

Scrunt.

M: Yeah that's the grass wolf. They gotta find a way to stop it so she can run the 12 feet to the pool and be safe again.

B: Okay the lore gets thicker.....now's there's tartutics??

M: And rogue scrunts.

B: Is this supposed to be an allegory for Mr. Heep gradually writing the story himself? Mr Heep swum to a skyrim temple full of random garbage in his pool. Every pool has one. He's gotta find...something. Why is there an air bubble in the cup? The set design is atrocious. He can also hold his breath for a shocking amount of time.

M: They always can in movies.

B: He's found secret air bubbles stashed there just for him? And a butter knife to get this ancient stone door open. He just exhaled a ton so my man is suffocating right now.

M: Nah he's fine and he found the secret thing. this racist exposition shit is so tiring. Now they want Mr Heep to pretend to be a kid to unlock the super secret lore even though he just learned most of it from the asian caricature chick.

B: I guess I assumed because her name is Story it was a metaphor for a story? If I wrote a metaphor about writing it would be like a fucking brain parasite like Venom or some shit that takes over your brain and makes you write about sex rabies. I wouldn't write about SCRUNTS.

M: That's oddly specific. More weirdly inappropriate almost romance between Story and Mr. Heep. She could have told him all this from the get go.

B: No we needed like three scenes of him just getting expositioned all over.

M: God I hate this movie. I hate M. Night's acting and his self important self insert fucking wannabe important fucking bullshit. He'll become a great leader and you'll save the WHOLE WORLD, BIG BOY AND EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU!

B: The man who read your book will grow up to be Donald Trump.

M: And now Mr. Heep is back with asian gramma who is gonna tell him the rest of this super secret fucking wtf ever story about shit nobody's ever heard of but is apparently huge in her culture.

B: Asian mom's face right there is my mood for this whole movie. Oh Story’s not allowed to talk about her world but we don't know why.

M: I love how everyone else in the apartment complex just goes along with all of this. Like oh sure fine, she's a narf and there's a grass wolf and no big deal. So now there's a whole bunch of people we gotta find. Symbolist, guardian, guild, and a healer. And honestly this shit is so obvious and why would all these people only live in this apartment complex??

B: They've been drawn there...you know...by the universe....

M: These are so obvious, it's not the dad. It's his kid. The smokers. The butterfly lady, and now we're getting fucking meta by talking to the critic dude

B: I really hate it when most things get meta, it's super self referential and it's hard to do right and it's almost never good. Oh whatever, this is dumb. We've got everyone gathered together now to look at the naked woman in the shower while crossword dad tries to solve this shit.

M: Story stares blankly at everyone while they plan a party around a sense of smell. But the eagle won't show up to take her back or whatever.

B: We didn't have the budget to animate the giant eagle so it's not gonna show up for us. Also that's now how a sense of smell works. That guy kinda looks like Griffin McElroy.

M: He does! How does one practice on a scrunt?

B: First...gently spread the legs apart and then uh...just get in that scrunt.

M: The lore is getting so intense, you gotta walk backwards towards the scrunt and say magic words.

B: I like how she can't talk about her world but suddenly she can because she can tell him how to fight the scrunt?? And she's getting VERY detailed. What are the rules?? Why is now a JG scrunt??

M: Mr. Heep is dead! No he's fine. The film critic dude is here now.

B: He just watched the Notebook and had the same review I did. Overrated as hell.

M: You've seen The Notebook?

B: No. Where's the justice? Where have all the good men gone? And where are all the gods? Where's the streeeetwise-

M: NO you are not singing the entire song.

B: I'm trying to entertain myself. This movie's pretty bad. Oh Mr Heep's family was murdered? That's kind of an important plot point!

M: M. Night is still milking this poor naked woman for every inch.

B: Don't use the world milking. Obviously you must think you're special, you gave yourself a starring role in your movie. What the fuck did he write that was so impressive they're gonna kill him over it?! He's M. Night Shyamalan. The Communist Manifesto? I like how Story has no agency in this story either, she's just an object. He could have found a magic orb or the amulet of Gringledoof and it wouldn't have changed anything.

M: She's literally a sexy lamp and it annoys me SO MUCH. She just randomly throws out exposition every now and again and then just stares at things.

B: The other narfs in narf school laughed at me! Every time I talked to the scringlebungles they threw hoopjabs at me! That's not real but it could have been. My moist scringlo left me.

M: So they went ahead with the party idea even though they figured out they got all this shit wrong?? Or maybe they think they only got part of it wrong? Also Story is dying. But it's cool because there's a giant party and they're gonna toss her in the pool where the eagle is gonna come and grab her or something?

B: this feels like it was based on a dream but not in the way that you kind of fill in the blanks to make it make sense? Like “Jimmy was the president and my dog was Keanu Reeves”. M Night's sister was using a mirror to find the scrunt. I just go out to a bar. This party stinks, there's not even any music. And the dumb guys left their post so the scrungly is gonna come.

M: Now a series of incredible coincidences and happenstance that will somehow prevent Story from getting in the pool! The music won't start! the smokers took off! The scrunt is dragging story through the grass! She's got MORE scratches! Which are lethal.

B: The scrunt is super lethal but all it can really do is leave scratch marks on your calves. Wait is the butterfly lady not the healer?

M: No she is, they got that one right. I think.

B: Wow 18 across is ‘scrunkly's fucking dead’!

M: I'm gonna...wait.....is that Jared Harris!?! I'm gonna get scrunkly and scrunt confused.

B: We gotta have the third act conflict. It's not really movie critic's fault, he didn't pick the people out. M. Night just wanted to frame the critic as the bad guy because critics are BAD and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

M: they're still trying to find the fucking interpreter. it's the kid. What a fucking twist. He can read cereal boxes. Seven sisters?

B: There aren't even seven female characters in this movie. What is this fucking side plot about M. Night's character??! It's not really even threaded into the other plot.

M: and now suddenly we know who everyone is because the kid told us. Why is this party still going on?!? There's no music or anything and people are just hanging out this whole time?? Now there's a storm, for effect. Nothing makes any sense at this point because we've just introduced like seven new characters who were barely established earlier in the movie. For the sake of having a twist or something. Now the interpreter kid says he got it all wrong AGAIN. And mr. Heep is the healer after all I guess.

B: they could have had the butterfly land on him for like a second just to hint at this better. Larry scared me again. he doesn't like this movie either. "I think this movie is PISS!"

M: Larry sounds like Skeletor??

B: Well he's a skeleton!

M: Can we get to where something happens again?

B: Is this like an allegory for him losing his family now?? Him crying over her? I keep forgetting that's a thing. Her name is SKRUNKLY, she's just a crackhead who showed up in my pool. I didn't know the cure for death was crying. Doctors hate him.

M: Local man invents backstory, cures pool crackhead. Who is now blonde?!?

B: He found a woman in his pool, what happens next will amaze you!

M: Scrunts?! In MY vagina? It's more likely than you think!

B: And then the missing person investigation for the critic who got eaten. And they're like - there was a lady in the pool and he got eaten by a scrunt and an eagle came and they'll be like - okay time to go to a nice room with padded walls. The scrunt approaches. I just like saying scrunt.

M: So everyone is outside, it's raining, Story Scrunkle is fine now, but they gotta kill the scrunt and that's bad cgen for 2006, and Charger Reggie with the giant arm is the guardian after all of this and he paralyzes the scrunt by looking lovingly in it's eyes.

B: He casts Hold Scrunt.

M: And there's an eagle noise but he broke eye contact! But the tree guys are here, the t something justice enforcers, and they drag the scrunt off - like you do.

B: Because he broke the law? I feel like the monkey guys were utterly unnecessary. They could have just had Reggie kill it. And talon flame comes to carry Scrungly back off to her world I guess.

We only see this in the reflection bc the budget.

M: I don't understand why she came out of the pool and then had to be carried off by a giant eagle when they spent the whole movie trying to get her back in the pool.

B: No it was uh...she uh...she....no that wasn't her world, she was just staying in the pool.

M: Hotel pool.

B: The creatures were designed by someone named Crash McCreary which is pretty badass.

M: That was Jared Harris what the FUCK.

B: Second unit designer - BRICK MASON, that is not a real name. Doug Jones!

M: Well I mean...what hasn't Doug Jones been in? So anyway....this movie could have been anything. It could have been a whimsical adventure, a fun comedy, a clue style mystery, but it is absolutely none of those. It's treated far too seriously when it shouldn;t be and far too comedically when it should be serious. I hate this movie. I hate M. Night for being in this movie. I hate him for taking such a brilliant cast and making them do this movie.

B: Double tap now if you'd scrunkly the when.