MUNCHFLIX - LADY IN THE WATER
IMDB BLURB: Apartment building superintendent Cleveland Heep rescues what he thinks is a young woman from the pool he maintains. When he discovers that she is actually a character from a bedtime story who is trying to make the journey back to her home, he works with his tenants to protect his new friend from the creatures that are determined to keep her in our world.
WARNINGS: M. Night Shyamalan tries to act, minor injuries, racial stereotypes, a lot of a woman being mostly naked
RATING: 2 scrunts and a moist scringo
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.
Munch: *heavy sigh* I hate this movie so so deeply. With an ass clenching passion. I hate this movie like I love girl scout cookies. I don't understand how they took such an amazing cast and turned it into this complete ass disaster of a film.
Biscuits: I've never seen this, so I don't know. Oh my god Larry (our skeleton) scared the shit out of me! Munch can't have alchohol but I'm having alcohol!
M: So the movie opens with some bullshitty shit mythology that Night pulled straight out of his asshole. It's not cohesive, it makes no sense and it doesn't even really set up a base for this absurdity.
B: This is like the opening of watership down but sort of vaguely aboriginal australian looking. Maybe it's just supposed to be generic ancient looking. Ah yes, wolves, the natural enemy of water sprites.
In the beginning, the great Frith created the world...
M: The mythology doesn't even make sense in the current era of things. Being the early 2000's in the movie. So here we are with Mr....Heep. Everything is named so stupidly. He's a plumber or a landlord or something and he's murdering a rat or something while the tenants scream ten times. I can't tell if this is supposed to be funny or not.
B: My brother with a spider in the bathroom. "It was small and bad!"
M: we are introduced to a number of colorful and not at all racist characters.
B: Is this racist?? It feels racist, like they told her to sound more asian. Speak in broken english. Isn't Night Indian??
M: Yeah.
B: Come on! Asian on asian racism!
M: and here's Reggie. My boy deserved better. Reggie has one huge arm. For reasons that are never really explained. He works out only on one side of his body. Because...
B: Good to see the Charger from Left 4 Dead 2 is keeping busy.
M: And a crew of random smokers who will become strangely relevant even tho they're never given names. And some film critic dude.
B: Damn is that my room? I feel called out. They hired me to be a local film critic for tumblr! I'm very smart and all my criticisms are right! I guess there's a war going on?
M: You remember the great war of...2006? So Mr. Heep is out by the pool and a naked chick just stole his keys. She is not human. She is....a narf. No that's really what she's called. He goes in after her because he thinks she drowned or some shit and sloshes around sadly and gets out.
B: And falls back in? They made it look very convincing. He wakes up and the floor is wet, been there. There's a WOMAN. Staring creepily at him.
M: But she had enough sense to get dressed and she speaks English. She asks him if he feels an awakening, which isn't at all weird.
B: This movie is weird. The woman's name is Story. It's like a metaphor or something.
M: It's pretentious bullshit!
B: Take a clue, Lady, he's not interested in your magical vision quest and you can get the fuck out of this apartment. She’s not a kid! that's a grown ass woman! Why did you mention her being a ‘kid’ and then have all this weird almost sexual implication with her and be all weird touchy feely? You couldn't put pants on the supposed child??
M: Man wakes to weird lady in his apartment, just rolls with it.
B: Probably assumes she's just another crackhead.
M: And now the grass wolf. Which is after Story for reasons. So they run back inside, was he just gonna throw her in the pool again?? He tries to describe the grass wolf to a pest control dude but he just sounds bonkers. Which anyone would because there's a crackhead pool lady and a grass wolf and this dude is just trying to maintain these apartments. Story discovers his shower. Mr. Heep wants information on the narf which he isn’t getting because they were made up for this movie.
B: He has the least convincing stutter ever.
M: He goes to the racist caricature lady's racist caricature mom who tell him about the narf which is like a sea nymph.
B: I like how she's translating before her mom even stops talking.
M: More alchohol?? You're gonna pass out before this is over.
B: I'm just...bringing it out here. In case I want more. She'll bring a great eagle? but why??
M: THE CHILD IN YOUR APARTMENT IS NAKED, HEEP. He's trying to solve this...mystery? Story is looking for someone? But we know absolutely nothing else.
B: But he's just staring at the naked child. this is so icky, I don't like it. Maybe if they hadn't emphasized how young she was? Maybe don't have her have this weird almost romantic tension with an old guy?
M: So Mr Heep has to go around his weird apartment complex and try to find this magical person by interviewing the very colorful tenants. Like old butterfly lady, weird writer guy, one arm buff dude, overly attentive small child and wordsmith dad, room full of smoking dudes, and the worst part is that this cast of weirdos has the propensity to be so amazing and intense and make a just off the wall madcap story but alas....
B: Damn I remember when my dad told me not to put my clothes in the garbage disposal.
M: Your dad wouldn't do that.
B: My dad would put his clothes in the garbage disposal. Why is this character so racist? You know she can talk just fine, why is she referring to herself in third person?? It has to be exotic I guess? Some ethnic woman needs to impart the mythical story. Meanwhile Story is getting into stuff, and still not wearing pants.
M: and introducing M. Night in his own movie! So cool! So not self aggrandizing! So not narcissistic! He's a writer! Who doesn't do laundry.
B: m. night's self insert oc.
M: This is the worst part, is that this character becomes the super important linchpin of this whole dumb story.
B: Okay Story....that's a good way to get exposition out, just have a character say it AT you. Just tell Mr. Heep exactly what the plot is.
M: Mr Heep thinks he's solved the mystery but since the movie is not over, he hasn't. He brings Night in to talk to Story because apparently he's the mystical writer dude except he just gets anxiety and leaves. This dialogue is so weird.
B: Just sounds like Mr Heep is inviting him for a threesome. Mr Heep is just gonna keep his pet woman around. He's like Tom Bombadil, just keeping some random elf woman in his place. Also not being really relevant to anything.
M: He can't let Story go back in the apartments pool because there's a grass wolf and rules. Thank you for letting me wear your beautiful shirt.
B: He couldn't let her wear any of his beautiful pants tho. I just don't get why she has to be mostly naked all the time in this context?? I don't understand it. So I guess she just went back to live in the pool?? Okay? Something happened, she's upset and she's been scratched.
M: Grass wolf in slow mo! It's not safe! She gon' die now because grass wolf scritches are deadly to...narfs. So they brought her to M. Night's place. Like you do. His sister assumes Mr. Heep is banging her.
B: Who wouldn’t?! He's actually been respectful though. I wish I could look at a naked woman and just start writing again, is that what I'm missing?
M: It works for me. Now we gotta consult the stereotypes for more lore.
B: Scrunt?? (laughs) Scrunt.
Scrunt.
M: Yeah that's the grass wolf. They gotta find a way to stop it so she can run the 12 feet to the pool and be safe again.
B: Okay the lore gets thicker.....now's there's tartutics??
M: And rogue scrunts.
B: Is this supposed to be an allegory for Mr. Heep gradually writing the story himself? Mr Heep swum to a skyrim temple full of random garbage in his pool. Every pool has one. He's gotta find...something. Why is there an air bubble in the cup? The set design is atrocious. He can also hold his breath for a shocking amount of time.
M: They always can in movies.
B: He's found secret air bubbles stashed there just for him? And a butter knife to get this ancient stone door open. He just exhaled a ton so my man is suffocating right now.
M: Nah he's fine and he found the secret thing. this racist exposition shit is so tiring. Now they want Mr Heep to pretend to be a kid to unlock the super secret lore even though he just learned most of it from the asian caricature chick.
B: I guess I assumed because her name is Story it was a metaphor for a story? If I wrote a metaphor about writing it would be like a fucking brain parasite like Venom or some shit that takes over your brain and makes you write about sex rabies. I wouldn't write about SCRUNTS.
M: That's oddly specific. More weirdly inappropriate almost romance between Story and Mr. Heep. She could have told him all this from the get go.
B: No we needed like three scenes of him just getting expositioned all over.
M: God I hate this movie. I hate M. Night's acting and his self important self insert fucking wannabe important fucking bullshit. He'll become a great leader and you'll save the WHOLE WORLD, BIG BOY AND EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU!
B: The man who read your book will grow up to be Donald Trump.
M: And now Mr. Heep is back with asian gramma who is gonna tell him the rest of this super secret fucking wtf ever story about shit nobody's ever heard of but is apparently huge in her culture.
B: Asian mom's face right there is my mood for this whole movie. Oh Story’s not allowed to talk about her world but we don't know why.
M: I love how everyone else in the apartment complex just goes along with all of this. Like oh sure fine, she's a narf and there's a grass wolf and no big deal. So now there's a whole bunch of people we gotta find. Symbolist, guardian, guild, and a healer. And honestly this shit is so obvious and why would all these people only live in this apartment complex??
B: They've been drawn there...you know...by the universe....
M: These are so obvious, it's not the dad. It's his kid. The smokers. The butterfly lady, and now we're getting fucking meta by talking to the critic dude
B: I really hate it when most things get meta, it's super self referential and it's hard to do right and it's almost never good. Oh whatever, this is dumb. We've got everyone gathered together now to look at the naked woman in the shower while crossword dad tries to solve this shit.
M: Story stares blankly at everyone while they plan a party around a sense of smell. But the eagle won't show up to take her back or whatever.
B: We didn't have the budget to animate the giant eagle so it's not gonna show up for us. Also that's now how a sense of smell works. That guy kinda looks like Griffin McElroy.
M: He does! How does one practice on a scrunt?
B: First...gently spread the legs apart and then uh...just get in that scrunt.
M: The lore is getting so intense, you gotta walk backwards towards the scrunt and say magic words.
B: I like how she can't talk about her world but suddenly she can because she can tell him how to fight the scrunt?? And she's getting VERY detailed. What are the rules?? Why is now a JG scrunt??
M: Mr. Heep is dead! No he's fine. The film critic dude is here now.
B: He just watched the Notebook and had the same review I did. Overrated as hell.
M: You've seen The Notebook?
B: No. Where's the justice? Where have all the good men gone? And where are all the gods? Where's the streeeetwise-
M: NO you are not singing the entire song.
B: I'm trying to entertain myself. This movie's pretty bad. Oh Mr Heep's family was murdered? That's kind of an important plot point!
M: M. Night is still milking this poor naked woman for every inch.
B: Don't use the world milking. Obviously you must think you're special, you gave yourself a starring role in your movie. What the fuck did he write that was so impressive they're gonna kill him over it?! He's M. Night Shyamalan. The Communist Manifesto? I like how Story has no agency in this story either, she's just an object. He could have found a magic orb or the amulet of Gringledoof and it wouldn't have changed anything.
M: She's literally a sexy lamp and it annoys me SO MUCH. She just randomly throws out exposition every now and again and then just stares at things.
B: The other narfs in narf school laughed at me! Every time I talked to the scringlebungles they threw hoopjabs at me! That's not real but it could have been. My moist scringlo left me.
M: So they went ahead with the party idea even though they figured out they got all this shit wrong?? Or maybe they think they only got part of it wrong? Also Story is dying. But it's cool because there's a giant party and they're gonna toss her in the pool where the eagle is gonna come and grab her or something?
B: this feels like it was based on a dream but not in the way that you kind of fill in the blanks to make it make sense? Like “Jimmy was the president and my dog was Keanu Reeves”. M Night's sister was using a mirror to find the scrunt. I just go out to a bar. This party stinks, there's not even any music. And the dumb guys left their post so the scrungly is gonna come.
M: Now a series of incredible coincidences and happenstance that will somehow prevent Story from getting in the pool! The music won't start! the smokers took off! The scrunt is dragging story through the grass! She's got MORE scratches! Which are lethal.
B: The scrunt is super lethal but all it can really do is leave scratch marks on your calves. Wait is the butterfly lady not the healer?
M: No she is, they got that one right. I think.
B: Wow 18 across is ‘scrunkly's fucking dead’!
M: I'm gonna...wait.....is that Jared Harris!?! I'm gonna get scrunkly and scrunt confused.
B: We gotta have the third act conflict. It's not really movie critic's fault, he didn't pick the people out. M. Night just wanted to frame the critic as the bad guy because critics are BAD and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.
M: they're still trying to find the fucking interpreter. it's the kid. What a fucking twist. He can read cereal boxes. Seven sisters?
B: There aren't even seven female characters in this movie. What is this fucking side plot about M. Night's character??! It's not really even threaded into the other plot.
M: and now suddenly we know who everyone is because the kid told us. Why is this party still going on?!? There's no music or anything and people are just hanging out this whole time?? Now there's a storm, for effect. Nothing makes any sense at this point because we've just introduced like seven new characters who were barely established earlier in the movie. For the sake of having a twist or something. Now the interpreter kid says he got it all wrong AGAIN. And mr. Heep is the healer after all I guess.
B: they could have had the butterfly land on him for like a second just to hint at this better. Larry scared me again. he doesn't like this movie either. "I think this movie is PISS!"
M: Larry sounds like Skeletor??
B: Well he's a skeleton!
M: Can we get to where something happens again?
B: Is this like an allegory for him losing his family now?? Him crying over her? I keep forgetting that's a thing. Her name is SKRUNKLY, she's just a crackhead who showed up in my pool. I didn't know the cure for death was crying. Doctors hate him.
M: Local man invents backstory, cures pool crackhead. Who is now blonde?!?
B: He found a woman in his pool, what happens next will amaze you!
M: Scrunts?! In MY vagina? It's more likely than you think!
B: And then the missing person investigation for the critic who got eaten. And they're like - there was a lady in the pool and he got eaten by a scrunt and an eagle came and they'll be like - okay time to go to a nice room with padded walls. The scrunt approaches. I just like saying scrunt.
M: So everyone is outside, it's raining, Story Scrunkle is fine now, but they gotta kill the scrunt and that's bad cgen for 2006, and Charger Reggie with the giant arm is the guardian after all of this and he paralyzes the scrunt by looking lovingly in it's eyes.
B: He casts Hold Scrunt.
M: And there's an eagle noise but he broke eye contact! But the tree guys are here, the t something justice enforcers, and they drag the scrunt off - like you do.
B: Because he broke the law? I feel like the monkey guys were utterly unnecessary. They could have just had Reggie kill it. And talon flame comes to carry Scrungly back off to her world I guess.
We only see this in the reflection bc the budget.
M: I don't understand why she came out of the pool and then had to be carried off by a giant eagle when they spent the whole movie trying to get her back in the pool.
B: No it was uh...she uh...she....no that wasn't her world, she was just staying in the pool.
M: Hotel pool.
B: The creatures were designed by someone named Crash McCreary which is pretty badass.
M: That was Jared Harris what the FUCK.
B: Second unit designer - BRICK MASON, that is not a real name. Doug Jones!
M: Well I mean...what hasn't Doug Jones been in? So anyway....this movie could have been anything. It could have been a whimsical adventure, a fun comedy, a clue style mystery, but it is absolutely none of those. It's treated far too seriously when it shouldn;t be and far too comedically when it should be serious. I hate this movie. I hate M. Night for being in this movie. I hate him for taking such a brilliant cast and making them do this movie.
B: Double tap now if you'd scrunkly the when.
M: Munch and Biscuits fucking scrunkling OUT, yo.
