#mun stuff...

I've never been very confident about myself, let alone my art, and I know that's a flaw of mine (?). But coming to my school made me realize how... not.. amazing I was. I knew I wasn't to begin with; I never would dream of calling myself something like that. But ending up in a school full of seriously talented people from around the world competing in one of the top art schools in the nation and perhaps the world had already started to make me question myself.

Initially I knew I was below the rest of the class, but I figured; hey, first term right? I'll improve tons and before I know it i'll be okay, right?

I don't feel like that's the case. At all. I have't even gotten comparative good in any given subject or style or medium. I'm just sub par in everything even in relative comparison to a majority of people who might even consider doing art stuff outside of it being a hobby. And the further I get into my terms the more and more this seriously concerns me.

Because i'm trying to become a illustration major. You DO have to have skill. You DO need to be able to do things. I'm going into a fucking professional field outside of the dumb internet and I know, at this rate, I probably won't make it.

Which already has been making me anxious and has gotten to the point where I can hardly function. I'll be lucky if I can eat one meal a day, my room is a mess, everything I do isn't fun as it used to be and i'm just. All I wanna do is sleep and cry.

I was sitting at lunch today waiting for a friend and a teacher and a student were having a conversation at the table over. So, just sitting there and eating and because they were close and clear enough for me to hear, I decided to idly listen. Sometimes those conversations have nice chunks of information and tips, right?

It mostly ended up being about how stupid most of the other people were; how so many of us weren't skilled enough; how so many of us probably are just wasting our money trying to do this; how only 10% will graduate and make it, maybe 20% will do okay,a nd the rest of us will fail.

And I know where I would be in that. I'd probably be a student that teacher would tell to stop wasting my time and money and do something else. That i'd probably be in the % most likely to never get jack shit done in this field. 

I know that it's not uncommon for people not to become what they want to become. How many of us thought we were going to be paleontologists or astronauts when we were kids? And never will be?

But there's something about training for the thing you want to be while feeling progressively more and more discouraged and like maybe, no, probably, the dream you are chasing won't happen. It's a waste of time, 25k a term, and effort. That your hopes and dreams won't happen and that you're just going to have to settle on something else.

I was sitting here trying to finish my work for tomorrow and I look at my drawings and I remember what that teacher said and i remember the drawings everyone else has done and I just.

Maybe it's best if I reconsider what i'm doing.

Maybe it's better if I give up now, then be disappointed later when I just wasted 250,000 dollars and 3 or so years of my life trying to do shit I wasn't ever going to get anywhere in.