#mummble

so, he got out last night.

someone let him out and I came home and couldn't find him. which led to me freaking out, having a panic attack in my yard at 1am, and just crying for hours while searching with a lamp until my feet and hands went cold. I was terrified— it was 37 degrees while I searched, and all to no avail. I had to call it quits to rest and charge my phone, but I also was outside by myself, so not the safest or best idea, especially when you're going around people's houses with a lamp light...

I woke this morning to see an even lower temp of 33 and my hopes matched its dip. I went outside and once again searched for an hour. under the house, the back yard, the dog houses, everyone's flower beds, in the bushes, drain grates, I even used my phone to record a video behind our fence to see if he was there. I was so concerned bc my baby is thin and still recovering from his thyroid failing him. he couldn't handle the cold. I know even now he couldn't have.

and neither could I again— I went back inside to warm up. I didn't want anyone to talk to me bc no one could tell me who let Mummble out, and while I'm still livid about it, I just didn't want to interact with anyone while I tried to think of where else I could look next.

and then my sister enters my room.

holding my little bastard.

he's purring. he looks better and happy to see me, and I just burst into tears. it's been about 30+min and I'm STILL crying my eyes out.

my sister just walked outside and called for him, and he just shows up. ofc he does. not angry at him tho. this is what I wanted— even if it makes no sense or reason at the moment. I don't know where he went or where he stayed or what he did. I'm just happy he's back and in my lap, purring and giving me kisses like I was praying for last night.

my fam is lucky. I was about to become the antichrist... ugh, I lost 10 years of my life during this, but I'm happy to say I gained one back.

oh, and Bums, just know no more outside, least by yourself (I promise we will always go together now), bc I'm sure you just spent one of your nine today.

I'm glad you feel better, I'm ecstatic your meds seem to be working, but I'm positive you're in the negative for this shit at this point, man. 😭

clutches face

(BTW I'm filing things like this also under the hashtag "Luffy health" I guess.)

----

I got my kidneys scanned today bc I had an out of nowhere mild bl**d pressure issue (granted I have an anxiety problem overall but also specifically w doctors and getting my BP taken, esp after the bad gyno appointment I had — lol ✨ medical trauma ✨).

I did request light BP meds bc I am not able to manage my anxiety and I just wanna feel better at this point, so we are good there. but I got 3 vials of bl**d taken to check my thyroid as well as to check for an immune hormone to see if I may have indicators for an autoimmune issue rn.

I am feeling better but there's a ways to go...

as for nanowrimo, I haven't started. Mummble's and my own health have kept me occupied and worn to where I haven't even had a chance or the energy to open my laptop, but in hoping I can catch up once I get my initial business squared away, oof.

Mummble is back to eating relatively well (albeit he's not entirely back up to his reg speed) and he's already retaining fluids too. he even ate an entire sonic burger yesterday. so proud.

(image ID: my brown tabby eating a can of food off a pizza box, lol. I have to prop the food up rn bc it's easier for him to eat. I think his shoulder injury is tender or has scar tissue in the muscle so it's hard for him to bend down!)

thank you to everyone rooting for me and asking about me and my son! Mummble and I appreciate it! thank you for your compassion, concern, and well wishes. 🥰

ofc, had my best writer's assistant with me today. 🥰

really grateful to have broken through my stupor and gotten some headway on this story. hopefully I can keep this up and keep making progress.

we are continuously begging for food and water, so this morning my son got some eggs! also, my mom bought him a sweater bc he's been cold since he's lost his weight. he loves it, and purrs while it's on! meds are still working very well, and Mummble definitely is feeling more like himself. a good morning indeed! 🥰

so Mummble got super sick outta nowhere the last night and he lost a ton of weight and stopped eating. he drank a little bit mostly just kept to himself and tried to sleep.

well, I couldn't, and I stayed up all night till the first vet opened and I took him there to get checked out not even 6min after they opened. they were really nice and let me do a drop off (I didn't know they only did appointments), and he got a blood test done. he already has early onset heart disease he takes diuretics for, and so I was worried for the worst outcome.

turns out my boy developed hyperthyroidism.

it's not the best but I'm hoping he responds to meds. I'm also the pet mom who doesn't push the envelope if it ain't gonna run. so I'm hoping Bums improves and feels better.

but I had to cancel going to Florida with my parents next week, which sucks bc I was looking forward to the break and just getting to relax. and I was hoping to be able to get done writing done.

I'm gonna be real, I haven't written anything for nanowrimo yet, I have no idea what novel I even want to attempt, and I'm just running of about 2 hours of sleep in about 30hrs of time. it's been a lot. a lot has been a lot.

I don't want to trauma dump or be a drag, but I did get a slightly *displeased comment on ACW about my lack of an update, and I just have overall anxiety in terms of trying to reassure you I haven't filled the scene. I've just been going through *a lot* since February of 2020 and it really hasn't stopped since.

I'm trying my hardest right now. I'm in therapy, I'm taking supplements and new meds, I have a doc appointment tomorrow morning...

thing is: I think I may have an autoimmune disease. I'm legit balding and losing hair all over my body, and it's so bad on my that I may have to shave what's left and wear wigs. I physically feel like crap all the time and the docs I've tried to see (minus my new PCP) have been not terribly helpful...

I'm trying. sadly this is my best right now.

I'm present. I'm just not active. I'm just really tired and it's hard when you keep getting kicked when you're down so low.

I'm not trying to get out points or trauma dump, or that I'm saying you haven't been supportive. just that I feel like I fail you guys while I'm trying to not fall myself. and yes, it's a fic and it can wait, but I want to make writing my career and I'm paralyzed with it at the moment. and since I haven't had a job since April, and I've had a lot of medical costs for myself AND my pets, I'm stressing a lot about money and making things happen.

please bear with me a bit longer. or however long it takes. I promise I haven't walked away or forgotten.

but for now, I'm gonna cuddle my boy and spend time with him bc we both feel bad after today.