#mukkinchae

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It kinda makes me cry because I've done my best to practice the steps but I need my groupmates' help because I can't do it really well. Now, this day is wasted. Eventually her mean and fucking cruel words got to me and then I stopped. This morning I was practicing but then after I ate breakfast and told them that I'm going to practice at my groupmate's house she became mad. Telling me that it's november 1. So? My brothers aren't even in the house. 

So now, after this day, 3 days left and then thursday, we're going to some shitty place, I don't want to fucking come. I don't know if I still can catch up. If I practice I might get really pissed off of myself and start punching my legs and arms again. 

My fxcking anger is back.

I have managed to keep my anger for two years and NOW IT'S FUCKING BACK. :| I know, I shouldn't be too pissed about it. BUT I HAVE TO PRACTICE BECAUSE THE PERFORMANCE ON SATURDAY. And the fuck, she won't let me effin' practice because it's november one and blah blah blah we should have practiced yesterday. I TOLD HER ALREADY THAT WE'RE GOING TO PRACTICE THE WHOLE WEEK INCLUDING TUESDAY. She said "okay". WTF Happened to FUCKING OKAY?

I got so angry that I had to break everything inside my room. :| I threw everything including my cup (with coffee) and then I ripped one of my sketch pads. I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS ANGRY FOR TWO YEARS ALREADY. NOW I AM SOOOOO PISSED. NOTHING CAN MAKE ME HAPPY. THANK YOU FOR TRIGGERING MY ANGER AGAIN. 

Oh and yeah, I punched my legs and my arms, I used to do that but then since I controlled my anger, I wasn't able to that until NOW. FXCK. I COULD RIP OFF MY TEDDIES' HEADS. EVERY PIECE OF PAPER I CRUMPLE IT AND TEAR IT INTO PIECES. I AM SO ANGRY THAT I DON'T WANNA ANSWER THE PHONE. I CAN FUCKING CHOKE MYSELF FOR BEING SO ANGRY. 

RIGHT NOW I AM THINKING OF SENSELESS THINGS THAT I CAN DO WHENEVER I'M ANGRY. -__________________________________-

I've got this story for about two months or more & I finished my ten letters to you already lol. got lazy posting each chapter here. 

Noona's My Fashion Designer

Characters: SHINee and a 'noona'

Status: On-going

My Ten Letters To You

Here's the link for MTLY

Characters: Jonghyun, Key [Main] and the rest of SHINee

I'm not excited and I don't have the drive to do anything this sembreak except to rest my ENTIRE system.

Well, that won't be happening and I really have to fucking practice (which I'm still not doing because I don't fucking want to cuz I'm trying to live out my fuckin' sembreak because I did a lot this semester). I tried practicing and learning the fucking steps but I haven't even reached the freakin' chorus part what the actual fuuuuuuuuuck. Whenever I practice, I end up getting really pissed off cuz I know very well that I can't do these steps within a week. I've tried so hard to change that but too bad, I'm a slow learner when it comes to moves. If the fuckin' moves required a fuckin' brain I would have at least been a good dancer but no. All I wanna fuckin' do is eat and sleep for just a month and enjoy my fuckin' rest so I can get my whole system together and get it ready for the next semester. Damn. I tried it just before I typed this and yeah, same thing happened. I'm not even getting the moves right. :| I got pissed even more. Whatever, you know. Cuuuz people might think that I'm too lazy to learn it and shit, I should stop complaining blah blah blah. You know I sometimes enjoy it, but it makes me sick at times as well. I'm not moody, it's the fuckin' truth. Actually, I really didn't want to dance next week because... It takes me more than a month to actually do the moves. And...I don't have money.  I don't want to borrow or ask money from anyone. I HAVE NOTHING FOR NOW. So I have to stop going in and out of the fuckin' house so that my mother can buy lunch or somethin'. But we have to perform because I'm the only one who doesn't want to.

 And I don't wanna go berserk and tell them that I don't want to because they're all up for it and I'm not which will make them slightly or severely pissed off. And I don't want that to fuckin' happen. I don't want the group to be effin disappointed because I don't want to perform. I don't want them to get all pissed because I'm not trying hard either. I am, my body isn't fit with this shit tho. They might not understand that I'm not capable of doing the moves compared to the four of them. In a fxckin' week. BUT WE HAVE TO. And once we get this over with I don't give a fuck what anybody says about how I suck and how I didn't get the moves right and all that shitty crap. I don't fuckin' care.