#ms2019

There were times, wherein I feel fine. I'm okay like I'm okay. Everything seems yellow and blue. I feel like I can surpass the mountain.

Also, there were days wherein I feel like I'm merely surviving and I'm barely living.

But, I want to cry and scream for help because everything feels too much and heavy.

I need help because I need help. I need help because I can't understand anymore. I need help and I don't know why.

I need help but why do I need to answer "why?".

I need help but why do I still need to explain?

There's a lot of wonders in my silence. Pain and suffering in my sighs. It takes a lot of courage to put that smile. Bravery and big heart to remain soft and kind despite of the chaos and destruction that I been through.

I guess, change will always never comfartable for me. It will always shaken my reality and disrupts my motion. It will cause fear and anxiety, I can’t help it. I feel terrified and discourage. All i want is to stop and runaway. I just want to escape and be lost. I can’t breath and my heart is pounding. Tomorrow seems bleak and later seems a a fear machine. I don’t want to do this anymore, that’s what i truly feel. Can i just stop here and stay at this moment? Please, i’m scared, please don’t make me do it.

But, i know that no one will listen to my plea, because i’m alone in this labyrinth and my screams just echo. I just want to rest but change is just around the corner.

I just want to stop but then, i see myself moving forward to the path of change. I saw myself, petrified and unsure. I saw my eyes full of fear. I can feel her heavy breath and the rhythm of her sad heart. She don’t want to go, I don’t want to go.

She did it. I did it anyway.