#ms2018

Just because someone is smiling they thougth that person is happy. Just because someone is difficult and cold-hearted it means they have bad attitude. Just because someone is not speaking or not interacting they are snobby. Just someone commits a mistake, they are bad and a failure. 

I can’t understand why some individual finds satisfaction in demeaning other people. Being happy for feeling superior compare to others. People only see what they wanted to see and wanted to  understand. They tend to overlook the content and meaning.

The essence is decreasing. The value is lowering.

We creates judgments after judgments. Rants after rants. Criticisms after criticisms.

So do i, i’m just ranting and not doing anything. I’m not doing the change that i’m hoping as well.

I woke up and then, i don’t know anymore. My dreams and hopes, vanishing. I no longer feel the same intensity of passion and love that I’m feeling. I’m slowly losing. I’m starting to question my capacity and worth as a person. I’m questiong my purpose and existence. Circumstances doesn’t make any sense at all. I can’t even find a reason why certain things are happening in my life. I feel like it is not worth fighting for anymore.

That burning determination and persistence, i no longer feel it. My flame and light is slowly dying.

I’m now barely living. That sparks can no longer be found in me. My eyes are bland. My dreamer’s heart is stop beating. I’m in a nightmare now and i have no idea if i will be awake from it or i will be forever its prisoner. My soul is weary and not dancing anymore in the harmony of my broken melody. It feels like the angels stopped singing to me. They all stopped playing their harp and trumpets. My life became like a broken strings. 

Adversity already vanquished me. There’s no fight left in me. I now surrender. I feel like i’m too strong and i feel like i can do anything. I became arrogant and boastful. Self-centered and inconsiderate. I can’t lift myself anymore. I’m too weak and weary to stand for myself. I can no longer be a hero of my own. 

I feel like things doesn’t makes sense anymore. I’m slowly losing my will to continue. My dreams? I’m starting to give it up and just live in regrets forever. ALL I WANT IS TO STOP EVERYTHING. I JUST WANT TO END EVERYTHING. I just can’t find that excitement anymore. My hope for the future is nowhere to be found. All i can see is the distorted image of my self. I can’t see the beauty of this lifetime anymore.

I am tired. All i know is i’m tired. What i feel is exhaustion. I just want to stop forever. I don’t want to live in this misery. I feel confuse and ambiguous. I’m terrified and helpless. I can’’t feel my worth anymore. I feel like i’m just a dead entity inside an physically alive body. 

Sometimes i feel like i have some sort of mental issue. But, i didn’t meet the “disruption in social functioning” because no matter how much i feel inside i’m doing my best to overcome it. Trying my best to live as if there is nothing wrong. But, i feel like i really have enough in this lifetime.

I’m falling in the depth and darkness is everywhere. 

But, i show the world how happy i am. How strong i am. I’m fooling the world but i can’t fool myself. I know what i feel because i know who i am. 

Well, i should be reviewing but i don’t fully understand the topics so i stopped. Then, i came across with some post “ I have so many close friends but when the time come that they will be ask to choose, i will never be the choice”

It hits me. 

Because i feel the same. I’m no ones favorite friend. I’m just somebody’s friend for a certain moments of their lives. Honestly, i’m still wondering who really is my friend? Am i a friend to them? Do they consider me as a friend?

I feel jealous for people who have their bestfriends. I don’t have bestfriend. Only close friends but i’m not sure if close enough or if they feel the same way. I’m tired of shallow conversations anymore. I’m not into gossips or petty conversations. Right now, what i need is to talk about life and the deepest thoughts in the mind. 

Sometimes, i feel like my so-called friend consider me as competition. Yes, that person may have negative constructs and low self-esteem but the unconscious surface. My friend keeps on comparing and never cheer on my small achievements. That person can see the beauty on others but never compliments my own beauty. Well, i don’t need the compliment because my self-image is enough. Of course, i also need some appreciation. I feel like as that person opens the mouth it is full of negativity. Yes, i’m a coward for not telling it. What a good friend I am, right? 😂 Well, there is also goodness in my friend, i appreciate that. 

I guess, the problem is i’m expecting too much for people. I must allow people to be the person they needed to be at a certain moment. I must accept that people are not always in good shape.

I can’t change them but i can change my way in dealing with the negativity without being affected.

Yes, i’m out topic. That is only a side story.

What i really want to say is that, i feel sad for not being someone’s first choice. I’m always that average friend. I’m the friend when everything is convenient. Treat me as a friend because maybe they feel sorry for me. I don’t know.

As time goes by, i’m starting to let myself live. I don’t want to be stuck anymore in self-destruction. Destructive tendency will always be there but somehow i can manage to make it more constructive and productive. It’s not easy to deal with my own destruction but i’m being more braver to always choose what is life nurturing. For too long, i’m holding back because i’m afraid with the consequences. I become much afraid to be alive and be happy. But, I can’t be like this anymore. I can’t always live in the box because there’s more in this life. I believe that there is also beauty in self-destruction because along the process of destruction i can able to recreate and reconstruct myself. As i self-destruct, i became new and alive. 

Also,i reliazed that loving life and existing beautifully is much better. I don’t need to break myself anymore in order to be anew. Because as i love life’s beauty and became passionate in living. I will always be in the process of growing, learning and discovering the beauty of the unknown. 

We can’t turn back time. It keeps on passing and ticking. There is no such thing as rewind and pause. It will always be continuous. The flow never stop but our heart can keep a certain moments forever. The memory  can store amazing experiences and the soul will forever feel that beautiful memories.

I’m starting to cherish every moments. Trying to do things that i never done before. Connecting with people and sharing the happy moments even the sad times or the challenging ones. I know that there will always be a first time for everything. First time will always be beautiful with the right and good company.

Because i’m afraid because what if  it will be the last time. This life is fleeting but we can make a beautiful memories along the journey. 

Destiny. 

For me, it’s a beautiful word. It’s mysterious and very unexpected. I always have this notion that if it’s meant to be then, it will be. I always believe that we are meant for something. We are all destine for “someone”. 

This word excites me and tickles my imagination. It helps me to believe and makes my mind and heart wonder.

But, we have that lecture session and a phrase caught my attention. Non-verbatim. “Sometimes we became prisoner of destiny”. 

For me, it makes sense. I believe too much with this idea and just let destiny to do the work. Believing on it isn’t bad. The thing is, I also need to do my part. I must make my existence be worthwhile. It’s not about simply having essence.

Existentialism, open and touches a part of me.

This life is not about simply relying on destiny but it is also about challenging it. I’m not made up of destiny alone. Because experiences and choices shape me to be the person who I am and i’m dynamic.

It’s about time to free my self and be the author of my own. The plot twist will depend on me.