#mrsbitch

Q. How to set boundaries with neighbor? My roommate and I have been having more backyard fires as a safer way to see friends during the pandemic. Our one neighbor “K” is in her 50s and keeps inviting herself over when we are having a fire. She usually dominates the conversation, complaining about her kids or work, and she won’t take the hint to leave when we are ready to pack it in. We’ve tolerated it up until now because she doesn’t seem to have any friends of her own and the pandemic has been difficult for everyone.

However, last night she crossed a line. A friend “B” was over for a socially distanced backyard fire, and B agreed to pee in a discreet corner of the yard by the shed because she wasn’t in our house bubble. Later, K walked up to our back door and peed where a welcome mat would normally be, in full view. We were shocked and didn’t say anything to her at the time, but her bathroom is literally next door. She was already making us feel uncomfortable, but this act was the final straw. How do we tell her that we don’t want her inviting herself over and peeing on our doorstep anymore?

Dear Carolyn • I have a young baby, 4 months old. I also have a wife. I expressed to my wife recently that I might take a day off for my birthday. She said I am mid-30s and should grow up and save my personal days for important things like when the baby gets sick and vacations. I reminded her I wasn’t able to use all of my personal leave last year (it is use-it-or-lose-it), and one day isn’t that big a deal. She remains disgusted with me on this topic.

I brought it up again and she said we aren’t paying for day care so that I can go watch a movie (I really enjoy that, and my wife rarely has the patience to sit still for one). I replied that if the objection was paying for day care, then let’s have a discussion about whether I stay home with or without the baby on my birthday, but I really want to stay home.

She got mad. Now I feel like it’s something I can’t even broach again.

I discussed it with my co-workers and boss, and their reply was, “You don’t work on your birthday,” and, “They’re your personal days.” I don’t know what to do. It isn’t a huge deal, but I am tired, and would like a little break. I worked 10 days straight to make extra money. I am the one who gets up most of the time during the night to soothe the baby. My wife works four days a week and also occasionally works weekends, but when she does she gets an additional day off that week.

Now I feel like I’m whining.

Please can you suggest a way to approach this that won’t lead to a fight?

Generally, she is the one who keeps us on top of our responsibilities. I’m trying to be more that way, but I feel like ALL she thinks about is responsibility, and it makes me push more toward my natural inclination, to place value on fun-time. I know this isn’t fair to her, though. — What Do I Think It Is, My BIRTHday?

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Dear Birthday Boy,

Well, you sure can pick them, eh?  Your wife is going through what some women go through, which is that they psycho out and lose themselves when they have a baby and entertain this paranoid delusion that this precious precious baby will suddenly come down with incurable baby cancer and it all wouldn't have happened, except... fucker... you took a day off.

Basically you can't let this pattern continue, or her delusional spike is going to go off the charts.  She won't let the baby stay home... with it's father?  And she objects to day care?  Sure she's attached, but that's a level of crazy fuckery you need to address, because what that will turn into, is helicopter / possession parenting, where only she can care for the baby.  

Ask Mr. Bitch, because Mrs. Bitch was pretty uptight too until Mr. Bitch stuck to his guns that both of them needed their time off.  Mr. Bitch doesn't even get paid leave, and you're losing time on "use it or lose it?"  

Your wife is being paranoid and unfair.  I must bitchily acknowledge that it's probably hormonal, but it's best to break that and break it early, maybe she needs to see someone who will therapy her into letting the baby go to daycare and yeah, giving you at least one day off a year?  She's not your boss, she's your wife, and you have the right to take a day. 

And yes, if your baby gets incurable horrible baby cancer that would have never happened if you hadn't taken one day off a year, she can just hate you forever then.  But feel free to just say no.  Tell her you're taking the day, you're going to stay home while she works or stays home with you, you're going to spend some bonding time with your child, and maybe put baby in daycare for two-three whole fucking hours while you see a new movie.  You'd love for her to take a few hours off and go to the movie with you, then she can scamper right back to work.  If she threatens divorce, well, consider her offer. 

Most likely, she'll do what Mrs. Bitch did and get through the day or the year and realize that one fucking day is not going to tank her entire life.  Hey, the state of vacation in the US is such shit, that if your kid gets seriously sick, you're likely going to go over whatever you've saved anyway.  

If all else fails, ask her this.  If you suddenly died young, would you really be happier having died at your desk?  Mrs. Bitch's father was a workaholic who made time for Mrs. Bitch and her brother when they were little, and Father didn't make it to 60 because of incurable fucking cancer.  Yeah, real glad Father worked his ass off, more glad when father took a day off to take the little Bitches to Cedar Point, and Disney, or just stayed home to make pre-kindergarten Mrs. Bitch a homemade lunch and watch the Price is Right.

Establish a pattern of free time and spending time with baby now, it'll only get worse as you get older if you don't.  And have your wife take the stick out of her ass.  Kid needs parents, not a pair of overworked schedulers.  

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been separated for a year. I have been seeing another woman in a city nearby, and my wife is aware of it.

I took my lady friend out for dinner recently while visiting her in her town. A couple from home who know my wife and me were also eating at this restaurant. I greeted them as we walked by their table.

The next day, my wife approached me and showed me a picture of me and my date that had been taken by this couple without my knowledge. I was furious about the invasion of privacy. My wife claims I am just angry because I got "caught." If I were worried about getting caught, I wouldn't have been in a public restaurant in a city frequented by people who know me.

What are your thoughts on people who secretly take photos like this? Do they really think they are doing their civic duty? -- VIOLATED IN IOWA

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Dear "violated."

You sound like one of those guys who says that "girls shouldn't wear short skirts in public" when they get upshot photos taken and shrug off real invasions of privacy.

Actually, here's the deal, you're out in public, so you don't have an expectation to privacy and you weren't violated by having a photo taken of you and your side chick in a public restaurant.

Here's the thing, you're lying.  Why wouldn't your wife have just dismissed the photo her friends took if she truly knew you had a mistress?  If you have a mutual arrangement, then she would have just told them that, right?  I mean, you don't even do the typical guy thing of being like, "My ex-wife be some crazy bitch, I told her I was fucking Becky, but she forgot and says I can't see any of my side chicks until the divorce is final."  So, my guess is, you didn't tell her, or you didn't have an understanding, and you're writing to Dear Abby for some last minute justification because you got caught in public.  Maybe trying to establish something for a later court date?  

"Your honor, she was spying on me, so I think these photos proving I violated the marriage vows while still married should be thrown out."  I mean, she does have proof now that you are cheating.  Separated or not, you are still married, and often, judges don't look kindly on the spouse who is stepping out.  

For the record, I know that if your friends had taken picture of her fucking the pool boy, you'd be running around shrieking about how she had done you so much wrong, I bet you'd have even hired a Private Eye, you seem all indignant, and usually those are the ones who are just mad they didn't think of it first.

First, get your damn divorce finalized.  No, she didn't spy on you, and they were within their legal rights and you're just S.O.L. on this one.  Or at least revisit your lawyer and have them draw up separation papers so you can take the mistress out in public without having to revisit it in court.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an employee who is a constant thorn in my side. I give her assignments, and she routinely has some kind of delay that causes a lot of undue stress on the whole team. I have observed her over time, and I believe that her problem is time management. I think she honestly believes that she will be able to complete tasks in a timely manner, only to see on the back end that she actually needed many more hours than she budgeted. I have talked to her about this, but so far it seems to have gone in one ear and out the other. How can I help her to manage her time better without being a micromanager? -- Striking a Balance, Washington, D.C.

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Dear Striking a Balance,

Fire the dumb bitch.  If you can't fire her, then transfer her.  If you can't transfer her, then lean on her until she gets shit done, or quits.

God I hate managers like you.  Weak willed simpering, "But but but.." types.  Your job is to get results by keeping the good employees and getting rid of the morons.  Your types always keep the idiots around because you want to be friends and don't want anyone to dislike you, and you alienate the good employees and cost the company money.  

1.  She does not believe she will get them done on time, she's just got your damn number.  She knows you won't do shit, so she's going to relax.

2.  She's not listening to you.  She's not even *smacks across face* pretending like *smacks again* you're her boss!  Get it through your skull.

3.  You don't micromanage, that's a bullshit term for bullshit people.  You tell her when it needs to be done and you tell her to get it done or life's gonna get real hard.  If she can't then demote her.  Put an employee who's an actual good employee, over her and embarrass her a little.  Sounds like she needs to realize she doesn't run the office.

Let me clue you in on what's happening here.  You probably have some real good employees in your office, and my bet is that they're picking up slack.  Which means, they now hate you and hate her.  Which means, they are going to start dropping the ball because guess what - you can't enforce the rules on them, or they can sue or grieve you for unfair treatment.  Two things are going to happen next, you're either going to lose the good workers, or they're going to enact some justice on little Miss Lazy Fuck.  Either way, all it says is - their manager sucks.  

Pretend you're the playground mom and they're a bunch of five year olds. They're not your friends, they just need to stay in their areas, and you can send them to detention.  Get on it, or get the fuck out of management.  

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been pleasantly surprised with how strangers have treated me during both of my pregnancies. They open doors, carry groceries, offer well wishes -- this list goes on and on.

The issue is that as soon as I've had the baby and am wrestling with the baby carrier, diaper bag, stroller and everything else that goes along with an infant, people act like I don't exist and they don't see me. I'm often struggling to just get through doors as people whiz by without a second glance.

Although I don't think there is any formal etiquette surrounding this situation, please remind your readers that moms need the most support, assistance and often patience after the baby is born, and they are trying to muddle through errands after they've finally made it out of the house.

I am not under any illusion that strangers owe me anything because I'm struggling with all of my baby gear, but the difference in how I was treated when pregnant and then with an infant has always puzzled me.

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Dear... Whiny Mom?

Wow.  Remind me. That you. Deserve help.  

Sorry, my mind just stopped because of all the fucks I don't give. 

Mrs. Bitch hails from the Midwest, and has been all over the world, and she can tell you, that the best manners in the world can be seen in the Midwest, and even we, even us simple peoples who smile at each other during blizzards, aren't here to open your damn doors because you decided to breed.

Pregnancy is easy to cater to, whereas kids are almost always messy, dirty, loud, or have a full diaper.  Kids aren't fun, kids aren't even fun for their parents, as I have on good authority from many parents.  (Mr. and Mrs. Bitch are ecstatic childfree adults - you have your kids, we have our vacations in Tokyo and Paris)  

Yeah, is it good manners to help anyone who is trying to get through a door and has issues?  Yes, Mrs. Bitch often does hold open doors, for which, she expects a fucking "thank you."  But... the way you write, I gather that you're the kind of woman who rolls her eyes when someone doesn't open the door fast enough, then forgets to thank people for doing it and just assumes you deserve it.  In which case, you should be lucky you have a baby, because Mrs. Bitch drops the door on assholes who aren't grateful, ask the guy I knocked on his ass last week, and he was hauling more than you.  

Good manners are nice, but they aren't a law, and sometimes, life fucking sucks, then you move on.  But you also aren't owed anything.  I got knocked over three times while on the streets of London, but I didn't fucking write a letter to Dear Miss London Manners to ask them to remember to be nice to me.  BTW, you also might want to consider that other people are in a hurry sometimes?  Yeah, I've been rude a few times when I was running to a meeting, and I regret it, but I'm not going to be late because of you, you, after all, ain't paying Mrs. Bitch's salary, so, I have to make a choice.

Here's my advice.  Raise your kid to open doors, be polite, and demonstrate patience with rude people.  This will help your kid, and, oh, drop your assumptions that anyone cares about your baby and will or should, help with the baby.  Your kid is one of billions, and women been having them babies since the human race reached our final stages of evolution, and back then, there weren't strollers and diaper bags.  You're fucking lucky, act like it.

Dear Prudence, I’m a young guy who’s in a monogamous relationship with my sweetheart from college. We did the long-distance thing successfully, and now we’re living together. Everything is awesome. He gets me, he makes me pancakes, we’re totally sexually compatible and into the same things. There’s just one problem: He does not enjoy spooning. He says it’s uncomfortable for him because he doesn’t know where to put his bottom arm, and my voluptuous hair gets in his face. Spooning is one of my favorite nonsexual (and sexual) things to do together because I like the feeling of my butt on his junk. I’ve told him this, and he says he understands, and so he’ll sympathy-spoon me for a few minutes, but it’s just not the same. How do I get him to want to spoon me? Also, he’s fine with being little spoon, but I don’t want that. Plus, it’s not fair if he gets to be little spoon and I don’t. We need your help.

—The Lonely Spoon

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Dear Lonely Spoon,

Shut the fuck up.  The way you describe yourself sounds like you feel you deserve all the nice things this person does for you.  What do you do for him?  You always want to be the "little spoon," and you get a personal chef, and you have voluptuous hair.  (Sure, okay.)  What you sound like is a narcissistic little bitch who needs to realize that a relationship isn't composed to always getting what you want because your Fabio-esque mane makes you just.. oh so sexy.  *gag*

It's called compromise.  If you plan to stay together, you might want to look it up.  Lots of people have successful relationships sans (that means "without") various elements of sex.  Not everybody gets spooned, but hey, not everyone gets blowjobs, or anal, or bondage, or whatever, and somehow, they manage to negotiate their terms and stay together.  Sounds to me like you caught a catch, and to quote labyrinth, "Fair?  I wonder what your basis for comparison is."  

Let an old bitch tell you something.  After ten years with Mr. Bitch, the fact that this guy "gets you," means more than if you get to rub your "butt on his junk."  (And seriously, that terminology?) Getting each other, is the stuff that lasts.  You will come to a point in which you may not have sex for long periods of time, because you're tired, or stressed, or whatever, and that mental connection will be what keeps you together through those times.  If you make this guy feel like everything else he does pales in comparison to you being all little-spoony, you're aiming to lose him.