#mps asks

You didn't know how many days constituted a problem, but you were pretty sure you were coming up on a problem. Simon was out on medical leave for two weeks. Why? He wouldn't tell you, simply said it was all bullshit and he was fine. You're pretty sure Johnny had tried to tell you, but going by the look of not-terror on his face, Simon had been behind you, probably making some non verbal threat like to eat his eyeballs or something if he said anything. John, at least, had been able to tell you that it wasn't anything life threatening. That Simon just needed a little R&R before coming back.

You were day three into a fourteen day stint of having your roommate husband...broski(?) back and well to say it was going poorly was probably an understatement. For the past two days you'd leave your home with Simon stationed on the couch, staring down the wall like it owed him money. Then you'd come home and he would still be sitting on the couch, still staring at the wall like it hadn't paid up. The only reason you even knew he hadn't gone into some catatonic state was because when you got home he'd at least respond to you in grunts and get up from the couch if you offered to share a meal with him. Outside of that you weren't entirely sure he moved. Which was concerning.

So now you were standing outside of your front door, almost positive you knew exactly where Simon was going to be. With a sigh you pushed open the door, took a step inside and....yup that man was still on the couch, looking like the wall still hadn't paid him.

"Simon?"

"Hn."

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Hn."

"Have you...moved from the couch? Like at all?"

"Hn."

Well still not catatonic. Though honestly you were pretty he was going to get there sooner or later. With a sigh you decided that fuck it, you were going to try one thing and if it didn't work well he could rot on the couch then, at least you tried to help. So without a word you turned and walked back out into the wilderness for a solution.

--

Med leave was bullshit. The incident that lead him to med leave was bullshit. The fact that Soap nearly told you about the incident was bullshit. So he was going to spend the two weeks of forced med leave showing that he was completely fine by sitting on his couch, protecting his god damn house. A man had to keep his fucking dignity sometimes damnit.

No he was not being dramatic, and no he was not pouting. He would even respond to you when you asked him questions. He was fine. He didn't know why you had decided to just leave and come back an hour later, dumping multiple boxes onto the couch beside him. A quick look answered that they were some kind of build kit?

"The 'ell are those?"

"Something for you to do."

Simon didn't need something to do. He already had something to do, showing that he didn't need to be on med leave.

"Don't need 'em. You're just wasting your money."

"A) Your money, and b) I'll do them if you wont. So how about you stop bitching and fucking try one okay?"

Wait-what did you mean, his money? When the hell did you get your hands on his wallet? Before Simon could decide if he was offended or impressed by your acts of theft and audacity, you seemed to decide to just plop yourself onto the floor by the couch with what appeared to be your own stash of kits.

You didn't seemed bothered by his demanding stare for answers, instead already getting into the contents of what seemed to be pieces of wooden flowers. After seven and a half minutes of silence, he counted, you looked up to see if he had started anything.

"You know you don't have to be so embarrassed to admit you can't do them."

Who the fuck said anything about him being embarrassed? Or that he couldn't put a fucking wooden toy together. Given the skeptical look on your face you were fucking saying. Simon Riley could put together a fucking toy. He still had his dignity damnit.

With a huff he inspected the kits you had gotten. If he wasn't so affronted he may have been able to appreciate that you had gotten what seemed like a good variety of things, from a puzzle box to a few cars, even a tommy gun that seemed to actually be able to shoot rubber bands. He was going to put all of it together and show you that he wasn't fucking embarrassed and he could do it.

By the end of the evening he only got the puzzle box together, having spent a long time making sure everything was sanded and waxed so it was opening and closing smoothly. Of course you had an entire vase of wooden flowers and some sort of music box together. The smug smile you gave him at the fact you had more completed didn't sit right with him.

So the next day he tackled the rest of the kits you had left him. He got his revenge that night when he shot a rubber band at your ass with his completed and functioning tommy gun. Maybe those kits weren't so terrible after all. Ignoring the way you were glaring daggers into the back of his head, he happily started yet another kit, some sort of space rover looking thing.

He didn't question that the pile of kits never seemed to get smaller, or that there were sizeable purchases coming up on his account. He'd let you enjoy the spoils of actually managing to get his card without him realizing.

And so by the end of his forced med leave, Simon had his own army of wooden creations, with a few extra kits left. If anything they were something to look forward to on his next mission. And even if he wasn't expecting the new shelves in his office when he got back, he could admit that his wooden army looked rather good on them.

Maybe he'd keep an eye out for more flower kits. For variety sake.

----------------

Simon Riley would not call himself an animal person by any means. Sure he liked them well enough, but he didn't find himself going out of his way for them, and before you and the pigs moved in, he didn't see himself living with any. But did now and well, it was pretty alright.

It was nice that when he came home at least two creatures there were excited to see him. Even if that probably had more to do with them hoping Simon would give them extra food than joy that he had come back in one piece, scrapes and bruises aside. And it was clear they made you so happy.

Simon had spent afternoons on the couch watching as you played with them, running through your trick routines, or just cuddling with them. And he may or may not have been debating on if he could teach them to come to a spot if he shined a laser pointer there. Just to see if it was possible.

You always spoke to them so gently, telling them how much you loved them, how important they were to you. He'd never say it to another person, but Simon was now glad that you weren't alone when he went on missions.

So no, Simon Riley wasn't an animal person, but he could appreciate the fuck out of those guinea pigs. Still didn't mean he knew what to do with the box that was sitting at his desk on base.

When you got home that evening, you were not expecting the scene you walked into, and honestly you didn't know how worried you needed to be. Sure you knew that Simon would probably be home. You knew that Jiji and Tombo would be home. You knew that all three knew co exists. You knew all this, and yet you weren't expecting the chaos that you saw.

Somehow both boys were out of their cage and running around, and Simon was doing...something in the kitchen? He was down in a squat cornering god knows what. You knew it wasn't the boys because you watched as Tombo shot under the couch, and Jiji was very rudely trying to eat a leg off the coffee table shoved under the TV.

Thankfully no one made an attempt at a jail break as you shut the door, though it did distract Simon as he raised his head to look at you, before realizing his took his eyes off his prey and cursing as it darted off to the space between the counter and the fridge.

"Uh...do I want to know-"

Before Simon could answer you he was trying to move the fridge, only for a terrified shrieking to come from the abyss of the crack beside it. It completely caught you off guard, and even made Jiji dive for under the coffee table. Sympathetic squeaks came from under the couch.

"Oh my god Simon, stop!"

You don't know if it was the volume of which you shouted at him, or the urgency in your tone, but thankfully he did, turning to stare at you like he had any right to look as confused as he did.

"Simon what the fuck is going on?"

"I was trying to introduce them all."

As much as you wanted to understand what was going through that man's brain, you had two furry potatoes to rescue first. Making your way over to the coffee table slowly, you tried to keep your eyes on both Jiji, who thankfully hadn't moved, and the couch, where unfortunately Tombo hadn't moved from.

"You are going to explain better once we have the boys back in their cage. Slowly walk towards the couch."

It seemed like Simon wanted to argue about whatever he had trapped by the fridge, but the look on your face must have convinced him otherwise because he did do as you told him to, putting his stealth skills to good use for once instead of scaring the shit out of you. Before he could do anything with the couch though you motioned for him to stop. You were too scared about scaring Tombo into a new hiding spot, or him accidentally getting hurt.

"Don't touch the couch. Just sit down and see if Tombo will come out to you."

Thankfully Simon continued to listen to you because he sat down quietly, though he kept his sights on the kitchen like a fucking pointer dog. But with that out of the way at least, you could swoop in and grab Jiji, who made his displeasure at being abducted from his delicious new snack. Even if he couldn't see, Tombo voiced his support of his brother. You ignored both protests.

Now safe in his cage, you could focus on your other wayward child, who did come out to Simon like you had hoped. It looked like you had to bring out the big guns then. Grabbing the container of pea flakes you gave it a single shake, both guinea pigs starting to loose their minds. If you didn't go partially deaf at the volume of their wheeking you'd be amazed.

Crouching down you have the container another shake, and thankfully Tombo came shooting out from under the couch, hurrying over to you as fast as his little legs could carry him. Totally acting like he was a good boy deserving treats, and totally not part of the chaos that had been happening. Of course you still gave them each a single flake once they were both in the cage. The shaker was only an effective call if you rewarded afterwards.

Alright, you had two of your boys handled, that only left the one now.

Simon hadn't moved from where you had told him to sit, his focus still on the kitchen. You tried to see what he was looking at as you took the few steps needed to reach him, but before you could demand answers as to what the hell was going on, you finally saw what it was that had been practically screaming in your kitchen.

"Is that a baby guinea pig?"

"Little bastard finally came out-"

"Wait-"

You grabbed Simon's shoulder just as he was starting to get up, causing you, him, and the guest in the kitchen to freeze. It wasn't that you two never touched. You lived together, it had to happen now and again. But they were always more along the lines of handshakes, where both parties could decide to participate or not. Deliberate. Not random unthinking actions. Simon didn't seem like he enjoyed random unthinking touches. You pulled your hand away, hoping you somehow didn't do something completely unforgiveable.

"You're gonna scare him off again if you move too quickly."

Simon didn't storm off as soon as you had let go of him, in fact he hadn't moved at all since you had grabbed at him like that. Hopefully it meant that he was listening to what you were saying. With a nervous swallow you tried shaking the pea flake container again, ignoring the demanding calls behind you.

With baited breath you both watched as the guinea pig came out a little further. It was such a tiny thing, probably half the size of Jiji and Tombo, practically made your heart melt. Swallowing you decided to test your luck.

"Give me your hand, lets see if we can bribe him over here."

Luck was apparently on your side because Simon gave you his hand like an obedient dog, and you were able to put a few flakes in the center of his palm. Simon's ability to be silent came in use yet again as he set his hand against the ground. Now all you could do was wait.

You had no idea how long the two of you were by your couch, just watching to see what this little creature would do. But thankfully the chaotic part of the evening was coming to a close as you watched the grey and white pig bravely made its way across the kitchen to the living room, too enticed by what you assumed was the smell of the teat.

As soon as it was within reach, Simon was grabbing the pig by its middle and hoisting it up into the air, much to its loud chagrin. Again you moved without thinking, your hands move to cup around Simon's and the pig, supporting both it's little feet and trying to get Simon to release his grip.

"Gentle, gentle. You can let go. I got him."

You let out a breath you hadn't realized you were holding when you felt the guinea pig's weight settle in your hand. You didn't realize that you still had Simon's hand within your grip until he was clearing his throat because you were cradling both the pig and his hand to his chest.

"Fuck, shit sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine."

It didn't sound totally fine, and you wanted to keep babbling apologies until it was clear that you hadn't pushed some unspoken boundary beyond repair. But then you felt tiny nails scratching against the collar of your shirt and it had to take back seat. Settling down onto the floor you tried to calm down the little creature, speaking softly and just trying to shield it in your hands, while ignoring the prickling sensation of Simon watching you.

It didn't normally feel like this did it?

Once the new pig stopped struggling against your chest, you felt like you could finally circle back to all the questions you had tried to ask before.

Apparently another lieutenant had just dropped off the guinea pig on Simon's desk. His kid hadn't wanted it after a few weeks and he had heard the Simon's wife, you, liked them, so he had figured that you'd take care of it. And then Simon had thought that he could just place the new pig in the cage, but it had jumped out of his hands before he could set it in. When chasing it didn't seem to work he thought if he brought Jiji and Tombo out then they'd help draw the little one out. Only they hadn't, so you came home to Simon trying to wrangle all the guinea pigs backs before you noticed.

It was all so...harebrained, plus the deadpan way that Simon explained it all, mixed in with your new found anxiety, you couldn't help but laugh. At first it was just you, but after a few seconds you could hear a low raspy chuckle join in as you both finally relaxed after the insanity that had consumed your household. And once you started it took a while to stop. As soon as you both seemed to get a handle of yourselves someone would squeak and it'd just send you both into another fit. Your ribs were practically burning by the time you finally could stop for good. You were pretty sure you were also crying.

Looking down at your chest you were glad to see that apparently your new pig seemed to have calmed down at least a little, no longer quite trembling in your hold.

"What should we name you hmm?"

"I was thinking Baker. So he matches the other two."

Simon's suggestion confused you, head tilted as you looked back up at him.

"Huh?"

"The other two got named after that movie you like. And the only other guy is the baker."

You didn't expect the funny feeling in your chest at his explanation. You had forced Simon to watch Kiki's Delivery Service with you once when he had asked why you had named the boys as you had. You didn't expect him to have actually paid attention, or even remember any of the characters.

You weren't looking back down at the guinea pig to avoid meeting Simon's gaze. He was just a really cute guinea pig.

"Yeah...yeah if he's a boy sure."

"If?"

You didn't expect to explain how sexing a guinea pig worked to your husband, but he listened. He also listened when you explained that introducing the new pig would be a long process. Thankfully you still had a small starter cage from years ago when you first got Jiji and Tombo and didn't know how much space they'd really need. With the power of teamwork, which was really Simon setting up the cage while you sweet talked your newest baby, you had Possibly Baker all set up for the night.

Once you were sure that every pig was safe and sound, and not likely to make any escape attempts, you looked at Simon with a grim face.

"Alright, we gotta go scrub everything and our selves down now."

"Why?"

"Cause he for sure has ring worm."

Edit

Yes this is a monster. No I don't regret it.

Also this is what our newest baby looks like