I used to be mp122984. I picked that name in computer class because I was told to choose something easy to remember for an email. I changed it since for obvious reasons. But I kind of need it for this.
To everyone who ever let me into their lives.
I'm sorry.
I get the hypocrisy of reaching out, knowing now that my reach is only choking vine and poisoned thorn, and in hindsight, it probably has been for years. You'd think an apology would simply hurt, that reminding the people I hurt that I existed would hurt them again. I can’t argue against that. All I can say is that I'm selfish. That the containment has broken.
There hasn't been much good about me to share. I didn't learn to care about people or extrinsic motivation until it was far too late. So I rewarded the people who showed me kindness with vented sorrow and self-loathing. I was and continue to be selfish and demanding unless I clamp down on myself. So many people showed me so much kindness and gave me so many chances, and I pissed them away. I'm sorry. I pray that whatever injuries I've inflicted and inflict on you have healed and that you are in a better place now. On the one hand, it's deeply narcissistic to suppose that karma itself inflicted pain against people for knowing me, despite the appearance of that pattern. But it gives me hope that things are better for those who escaped.
I don't want to say self-fulfilling prophecy. It's not self-fulfilling when something, when someone is inherently toxic in the ways I have been. I call it full disclosure, but I guess there's not much need for that either these days.
I don't know where to go from here. Whatever I have left rots because I have nothing left to grow it with. I can't reach out anymore to form anything new because, as I said, choking vine and poisoned thorn. I write ugly stories in part because it's hard to imagine people staying around the true me for long unless coercion is involved (and partly because my fetishes honestly do reflect badly on me as a person). I mask contentment in discord groups so I don't spew my own bile again, and even then, I'm not always good at it. To those I have shown hypocritical impatience, I'm sorry.
I did this. Not "autism" or "adhd" or whatever are actual problems other people have. I drove almost everyone away, and now almost no one is left to hear this. But I say it because even now I'm selfish enough to think it matters.
I'm sorry.
