Okay it's been a long time since I've posted an actual well... anything. Thus this is going to be extremely long. Because I've decided fuck it, let's put it all out there and see how it goes.
Ok so I'm gonna just straight let it all out and not sugar coat shit. My life is spiraling and I'm just waiting for a grip to stop it.
Let me explain. Please stay with me this isn't the root of the problem just how we got there.
My aunt and uncle are drug addicts, my mom is a somewhat functional alcoholic, my grandpa has ptsd and survivors guilt from Vietnam, and he has super bad mood swings and anger issues from the medication he has to take, along with a bunch of other shit I'll put in later, and my grandma is bipolar and she has a tendency to take her anger out on people who have nothing to do with why shes angry. Then there's me. I have social anxiety, depression, adhd, and ptsd from mental and physical abuse. So that's all the people who were living in my grandparents house. My aunt and uncle are there because they refuse to get jobs and go, and my mom is in the process of leaving the city. I lived there because my grandparents found out my papa is sicker than we thought. He has cancer, liver desiese, ptsd, suvivors guilt, bad legs a bad back, staff in his shoulder, and he only had 1 kidney and thats shitting out on him, he's had 2 strokes and he has emphysema, and my grandma has a lump in her brest she refuses to have checked, both of her knees are bad, and she has very little strength in her hands anymore, and she's hypoglycemic.
Why, you ask with my auntie and uncle there.
Oh wait isn't your mom there too, you say.
Yes they are there mysterious other half of conversation, but they don't care.
So Tom and I (Tom is my fiance) let our lease expire and moved back to help with bills and food and just taking care of the house. Fast forward to the week before Thanksgiving last year. About a week after my last text post "Why am I in trouble now" another knock down drag out happened, because my aunt got caught and decided to blame the neeldes my grandma found on me. Let me explain something people. With all the shit wrong with my brain I'm not going to put something in my body that's going to fuck it up more. And on top of that... I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES!!! HATE THEM!!! LIKE I WAS THE KID(read adult) WHO KICKED THE NURSE BECAUSE OF A SHOT!!!!! My entire life I've been this person. It didn't magically change over night. Anyway it started shit between my aunt and I then my grandma and I because she of course took my aunt's side then my mother gets home from work and makes things worse my grandpa gets involved so now it's a cluster fuck of shouting and and demands then as soon as it started it's ended with Tom and I getting kicked out and my mother moving into my grandparents trailer on the side of the house, and my aunt getting $40 for supposedly a carton of cigarettes. Since that night I've moved twice. Not one of them including the first move, which is what I'm calling getting kicked out, were nice moves like I plan and get my stuff in boxes. I picked a place and moved, no this was "your family is on a rampage get your shit and get out" kind of thing. Or "it's too cold to survive" kind of move.
So move one was to the bed of my truck that was parked in the front yard of a my sister in law's new rental house and I basically stayed with her, her husband Ben and my mother-in-law. I'd clean the house for them I'd watch TV in the front room and every Sunday I'd make all of us dinner and whatever. (I say sister in law and mother in law because I've been with Tom forever we live together that's my husband in everything but paper) I used her bathroom I made my food in her kitchen almost like roommates except my room was in the truck.
My guys this was right before winter in Colorado like 3 days after Thanksgiving right when it starts to get cold here. But they at the time didn't have any extra space so... yeah I was screwed. Anyway fast forward to the night after Halloween. I'm in the truck with my dog Tom's at work I have a space heater going because it's like 20 outside and I'm in the damn shell of my truck. Wouldn't you know the first snow of winter hits and just so happens Ben needed the extension cord I was using on my space heater and didn't tell me so I wake up at like 3 in the morning freezing and my dog bundled up in my blankets. So that's bullshit #1. But I mean screw it so I get a new extension cord and get set up again whatever.
Please note that I'm still taking care of the house at this point. I'm still in the truck but fuck it I don't work my husband takes care of me. We just need time. Why not clean while we wait.
Fast forward to a to the the middle of November husband and I buy an RV from a guy he works with took a while in the cold ass bed of the truck but we did it. So move 2 into the RV. I/we love my damn RV. My husband and I were(still are) thinking about just buying a fixer upper on a patch of nice land, with the hookups for an RV and fixing our new house as we go along and slowly move into it.
Now the day we moved into the RV is the day I stopped going in my sister's house I don't clean it I don't cook in there they come over to the RV and by their words "camp for the night".
Now everything has been fine up untill about a month ago. Tom and I were going to move back into the house, that we now haven't been in since last November, because my mother in law was moving out and my sister in law asked us to stay in the house as roommates instead of in the RV as landmates as she put it. So we went out and got new flooring and paint. Because my mother in law had ugly colors on the wall last time I went in there and I mean who wants tile in their bedroom. Then when she left we were going to get everything redone and move into the house.
Please note that I now haven't been taking care of or going into it for anything since last November they come out to the RV or we go have lunch and crap.
My mother in law moves out and we go into the house and I don't even know what to say. It's bad I swear it should be fucking condemned. I can't move in. But now we are at the root of the problem. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!! ITS SO FUCKING BAD!!!!! My sister is acting like nothing is wrong everyone is acting like nothing is wrong. My husband and I don't want to touch anything it's so bad I don't want my dog in this house. Its so bad I don't want to park next to the damn house anymore.I don't really have any other option now though. Because we bought the damn paint and flooring already. Dude I don't know what to do. Like I honestly don't think it's safe for them to be in there. But when I bring it up they, they being my sister and Ben, act like nothing is wrong. This is the room they wanted us to move in like what the fuck is this shit.
Guys I have OCD to the point that where I have panic attacks. This put my straight into a panic attack. To the point that Tom had to carry me out. It has to be infested it has to be like holy fuck dude i cleaned I took care of the house it sure as shit didn't look like this when I left why the fuck how the fuck there's holes in the floor you guys there's mice everywhere I'm assuming based on this room and they didn't tell us shit dude we're paying 650 for this are you kidding hell no I'm not staying here with you sister or not. I don't know what to do or say. Like how do you...what do you even do because the people living in the house know what the house looks like they aren't dumb people you know what the fuck I don't even want to know what the kitchen looks like. There is seriously no way in hell I'm even staying on this land for longer than I have to. Because what the fuck and I told my sister that. I can't believe they arent having this same freak out I'm having.
Am I just being a bitch am I freaking out for nothing. Or is it as bad as I see it is. Because their reaction to it is making me think I'm just finally going crazy. I don't want to be remotly near this place anymore. That is the room they want us to sleep in. I've seen barns better than here. They keep asking when we are moving in and I keep telling them never but they don't believe me. My husband keeps saying never and they don't believe him. Like how are you going to tell someone oh yeah come live with is all you need to do is paint and replace the flooring in there. Then magically forget to mention mice and trash and what the fuck is that. Like first of all your a liar. Anyway so that's what my life's been like since my last text post. I do kinda feel better now that I got it out. But still what the fuck.
