#mousehours

I think I’m avoiding throwing a tantrum by ignoring God and shoving my feelings away and gritting my teeth and smiling up at Him, and I keep telling Him “yep I’ll do this for You, but only for You and only because it’s what You said to do” but the pressure is building and I broke this weekend so maybe it really is a tantrum, and I fell into some old bad habits and my attitude is so completely wrong but I can’t shake it. I think I don’t even want to, I’m not trying, I’m just attempting not to completely lose my mind and do something I’ll regret even though I already kind of did.

(I’m mad at Him. I’m mad at Him and I’m trying not to be or maybe I’m not trying not to be I’m just ignoring it… anyway it’s not working. I knew I didn’t want to do this months ago but I went through with it because of my parents and because of Him. I want to run a million miles away and never look back. I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here.)

I can’t even write a poem because I know I’m so so wrong, all of my thoughts and my feelings are wrong, and I’m angry I have to go through with this so I’m not going to do well and what will the point even be?!?!! Why go through with it if I fail?!!

I stagger

To my feet

And say

“Once more”

And hurl

Myself

Head first

At the wall

Again.

And You watch.

(Or maybe

You picked

Me up

And set

Me on

My feet

Again.)

All the same

Here I am

All over

And over

And over

Again—

Trying

To break

Through the wall

With nothing

But desperate

Trembling

Strength.

Reading about burnout and it's like. Ah. This is wonderful. I've been burnt out since I was 15. Great stuff. Woohoo. Having a fantastic time over here. :D :D :D No wonder I can only make myself do things consistently for so long before. Collapsing.

I was walking in the rain today because I had to get out of the house or explode, and my neighbour’s dogs came out and started growling and barking at me and following me and practically trying to jump on me because they think they own the road apparently—

Anyway I got away but I didn’t know what to do because to get home I’d have to walk past their house/farm again and I was so convinced the collie especially was probably going to end up trying to bite me.

So I prayed “please God protect me from [redacted]’s dogs so I can get home”. And I didn’t even see the dogs. There wasn’t sight nor sound of them.

So I thanked God but. I’m still comprehending that that even happened because I’ve become convinced He doesn’t really care about me all that much and He wants me to handle all my problems on my own and stop asking Him for help and now that He DID help me with something I still can’t believe He cares. I feel like I’ve been on my own for so long because even when He reassures me that I’m not, that He’s got me and is going to take care of me, they’re just words. It feels like it’s been me against my problems, on my own, for this whole year now.