So my mental health has taken yet another turn...
Its been long coming for a while I guess now that I can see whats been happening but last week I made the decision to go back to my therapist and had another consultation for how I've been feeling recently and the thoughts I've been having.
Those that I'm close to (and now my followers are about to) known that I've been suffering from anxiety disorder for the best part of 2 years now and its taken me a long time to be able to cut myself loose from the stress and worry it gave me. I'm alot better now and I even go on nights out alot with friends from uni, which I never thought I'd be able to do this time last year.
However at some point I began losing motivation in doing alot of things, I just felt I was being lazy or something but it was only when I became frustrated at something that I started to see it was more than that. It's reached the point now that I see everything I do as a competition. I must be the absolute best and greatest at something...if I'm not, then whats the point in continuing to do it? Whilst this is a reasonable ideology to have at times, my mind has taken it to the extremes and forces me to believe and make me want to be remembered as more than 'someone who existed' I have to be that someone to change something, or be a history maker in something I've done etc, otherwise I'm holding the entire human race back...
But the worst part of this is, whilst having this extreme view that I have to be remembered and I need to be the absolute best, I don't give myself the motivation to work for it...instead my head has given up on it all, and won't let me practice anything I want to do, or work towards being noticed, as I'll be laughed at and not taken seriously, or just tossed aside for someone better without being given any real consideration. TL;DR? Along with an underlying anxiety disorder...I've also been diagnosed with depression. Hopefully therapy can help me in a way that it did last year, but who knows? Its a different issue and a different level of suffering. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has been there for me through this really, and offered to listen to me if I need them. Special thanks though to fnpig, she's been there for me through this like no one else, granted we're together but she still goes that extra mile to make sure I'm ok, even it means she loses sleep staying up to talk to me and make sure I'm ok c: It really means the world to me that she does that and I love her so much for it =) Hopefully soon, with therapy and the support I've been getting from people closest to me, I'll be better real soon c:
