#mothdads

sorry to share tears w u, but thank you so much for appreciating it! (and for leaving me the kind message)

it’d b really cool if this helped anybody.  grieving the death & dying of a close family member is very painful, especially when u feel responsible for their wellbeing.i guess my biggest hopes r that people know1) the amount of suffering they’re going thru is reasonable & well-tread and while in a way there’s no ultimate “end” to the grieving process, life without your loved one becomes easier to bear as time goes on and2) it’s tempting to mislabel “denial” as “hope”.  although i was realistic/pessimistic about Prestley’s ability to survive for a very long time (i was pretty sure by 2017 that he wasn’t going to survive the year), the human brain has infinite capacity for “hope”/problem solving in terrible situations.  it was so painful to grapple with my responsibility as an interloper in the natural course of life & death that my brain instead constantly turned to new possible solutions to cure Prestley.  as caretakers for pets, we can choose to drag them through all sorts of unnecessary traumatic health care...because we love them, because we’re not ready to let them go, because they still have a good day once a month...etc.  i still regret how much extra pain and stress i put prestley through by continuing to pill him (antibacterial, steroids, hunger stimulant...) after things were looking pretty definitely grim, just on the HOPE that he was having a small downturn and MIGHT get better.  (and now there’s extra regret of thinking maybe he actually had FIV and the steroids were making it worse)