#mothafucka

word count: 909

a/n: this was crammed, not the best but i think enough i guess. im just reaching for the stars here. who am i kidding.

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It was in the middle of the summer, as you both stroll under the sun, from his apartment to the park nearby where they sell dollar ice cream sundaes that taste like heaven in this type of heat.

As you both reached the kiosk, you reach behind you to grab your wallet from your back pocket. You try and force your money to be accepted by the guy instead of Shawn’s.

“Fuck, I thought I was paying this time,” you complain, now feeling completely guilty after his little act.

“Hmm, I think so, yeah,” he jokes, running a hand through your hair and moving it to your right shoulder.

You groan as he takes the change and counts it once more, his eyes just squinting a little out of concentration.

“Oh I know,” he realizes. “You can just get the sundaes while I sit over there,” he teases, moving over to the empty wooden bench and sticking his tongue out at me.

“You asshole,” you shoot back, rolling your eyes and giving him a death glare.

It took five minutes for you to get the two vanilla sundaes due to the many people also craving for a cold thing to munch on while being bored to death by nature and dog-walking.

“Thank you,” you exclaim as you reach both your arms to hold the cones.

“And thank god,” he adds, smiling at you and patting the spot beside him. “So what’s up?”

“Tour was great, honestly. Met tons of people but still missed you though after everything,” he starts off. “And like, you know, I couldn’t joke around with other people like I used to with you,” he adds.

“Me too!” you excitedly say, pointing at yourself.

“Yeah, so that part sucked, but mostly, it was fun,” he replies, then takes a lick at his ice cream.

These times were the ones you treasured mainly because you had him all to yourself—as creepy and sadistic as that sounds—but these were the times where you felt the most special, at least, you thought to yourself.

These were the times where in you thought he’d say he loves you or the times where in you thought he’ll just openly admit or confess his ultimate affection for you. In your dreams, you thought once again, slapping yourself mentally.

You weren’t going crazy either, it was probably just his personality. After all those years of being friends, you weren’t aware if he acted like that around others. Oh, how you hoped you were the only one. Is he this touchy? Is he this charismatic? Is he this blind?

It was probably how he tightens his grip around your hand when it loosens from the distance of your walking, or how he hooks his thumb on the belt loop stitched to the back of your pants when he’s bored. Maybe it’s how he pushes your hair back when you’re eating in front of him and it gets in the way, maybe how he unconsciously moves closer to you and places his hand on your thigh when its cold or when he’s nervous.

And fuck, how you fell for that shit. The moments where he’d ask you if you’ve drank enough water for the day, or when everytime you two would hug, he would reach up your shirt to graze his hands over your sides just because, and he’d even stay for at least two seconds after you drop your hands before letting go.

“You done?” he asks, using a clean tissue sheet to wipe the side of your mouth before your could even speak.

“Yeah,” you reply, snapping yourself out of that stupid mini-lovefest.

“No, seriously?” he persists.

“I’m okay, I swear,” you defend yourself, holding your hands up and laughing it off.

It was so stupid and cliché and you wish you could literally delete yourself and those times. You had to admit, however, that something changed, that weren’t your cards, neither did you expect or want it, but it did happen.

He doesn’t speak the way he used to, he now utters words to get the question over with when before, he had to even think about what to say. His laugh’s different; it isn’t as light and high as before. He doesn’t hold you like he used to; not as tight and as fit as before.

Some things were over—like how he used to wear the same perfume every single day since you told him it smelt good, or how he used to religiously follow the same shower routine as you since he noticed how smooth your skin felt against his arm that one time it bumped against his.

Some things are actually meant to be over—like the both of you—a realization you had as you laid your head upon his shoulder. It wasn’t the same perfume you noticed he wore almost every single day. You let this one pass since you tried to convince yourself that maybe, just maybe, he had ran out. It smelled different, a rosy scent, something way out of your league. The fragrance on his neck was sweet like honey, a word he used to call you, but not anymore.

Hello all

So, as I said, I didn’t get to make a new post until 2017. And I just want to point out that it is REALLY hard to have any semblance of a healthy diet when your birthday is the day after New Years. And your birthday dinner is the traditional lasagna and chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting. And for once no one forgot about it. *insert sigh emoji here*

But on a positive note, for my birthday I did get a punching bag! It even comes with hand wraps and gloves. I’m excited like no man’s business to get it set up somewhere. I want to teach myself kickboxing (and by teach myself I mean watch videos on YouTube) so I have a sport that I can get into that lets me channel my aggressions into something healthy. 

Because it’s hard to look badass while running when you can’t even keep going on the treadmill for long periods at a time and you basically only shuffle there anyways. #still can’t run to save my life

Speaking of running, I saw that there is a color run in March relatively close to where I live. Am I going to be ready in time? HELL NO. But it lets me know there are 5ks close to where I live at other parts of the year. I regret not being able to run the Reindeer Romp in town but if they have another 5k (which I believe they do) I want to be able to do it. Or to be able to do treadmill races. Ultimately I’d like to be able to run modest distances for charities. 

I also cannot wait to get my license so I can drive myself up to my gym before the buttcrack of dawn so I can go to the gym. Now, that realistically means leaving my house by about 5:30 AM. If I do that then I get there at 6, get my hour in and have enough time to rinse off and get to class. Some days I have more leeway as I have a 9 AM or 9:30 AM class as opposed to an 8 AM class. And Wednesday I have a day I can have a lot of wiggle room as I don’t have class until 1:00 PM. Oh yes. That means I can go for long runs, group classes and maybe even yoga.

I hate yoga. 

I don’t think it’s the stretching part that bothers me as I absolutely love stretching and usually can be found in some weird sitting or lying position anyways... I think it’s the slow hippie attitude. And I know that’s for my spirit or whatever. Still, I think I need to get into that part because it will help my anxiety and stress. I just wish it wasn’t so freaking mellow all the time. I mean, don’t tell me to envision gentle streams or something in that weird voice. Tell me to think about some cute motherfucking duckies. In a Samuel L. Jackson voice. And tell me to think they are like Rambo. This would please me as I make myself a human pretzel. 

Also, I’m looking forward to having my license as it gives me a sense of independence. God knows I need it. I won’t be forced to be around the toxicity at home as much and I think it will be good for me. I don’t know if I bring it out in them or if I just react to it and further it, but I truly believe that having to spend less time at home with my grandparents will mean that I am going to start having a lot less stress. And I don’t have to worry about classes running over because the only person who has to wait on me is my own bitch-ass self. It’s extremely liberating. I can go to the library and study or I can go work-out or I can simply go drive myself over to the park and go for a nature run. Realistically, it will most likely be me studying... you know, because I have a fuckton of classes. 

I’m also looking forward to getting to pack all that I need into my bag and taking it with me in my car and leaving what I don’t need at that exact moment in the car. That’s right! If I want to take textbooks with me to study, I will not have to carry around their bulk and then some all day! I can leave them and go get them at a later time! Gone are the days of cramming everything into my backpack and then stuffing my work out clothes in it as well! I can literally have a gym bag set aside so that when it’s time to get in, I’m only carrying what I need. My hype for this shit is unreal, you guys.

After I finish with this post I’ll be writing all my goals and my shopping list down in the planner @shyvalentines gave me for my birthday. Holy crap, y’all! I literally could not have picked out anything better- A schedule portion, a fitness portion, a meal planning portion, an inspiration/diary portion, important info, you name it! AND IT’S SO UNBELIEVABLY CUTE!!!! Like bless me! I’m slightly a bit afraid of writing in it because it’s seriously adorable and my handwriting is literal trash. 

Another shoutout to my friends @brynnabeth and @13friends4ever for being so supportive and sweet. I literally could not ask for better friends than the three people mentioned in my post. All three are some of my closest friends and they all support me and help me in so many ways that just astound me and make me feel so very grateful for them. I go to bed knowing I am blessed because of them, even when my day feels like it is only been filled with pain and anger. 

In conclusion, this is the first post of 2017 and these are my thoughts as I sit shivering on my couch.

TLDR; I am a huge sap with fitness goals and a strange reason to like having a car.

Sincerely,