#mostly satire

1. Buy an oversized suit jacket- if you’re male, say it was your mother’s, for peak androgyny. If you’re a woman, say it’s your father’s for the same effect. If you’re nonbinary, tell them your parents are dead and you bought it with your sizeable inheritance. (Note: Have a sizeable inheritance.)

2. If you are of the makeup wearing persuasion, buy copious amounts of either expensive red wine, or if you’re a minor, blood of virgins. Use it as a lip stain. (If all else fails, ox-blood colour lipstick works.) If you don’t wear lipstick, avoid chapstick for 3 1/2 months so you can achieve the ghostly look. (Or just cover your lips in concealer and blend.)

3. Carry either a poetry or a satire book with you at all times. Even if no-one asks, recite small passages. I recommend The Modest Proposal or anything by Sylvia Plath, Dylan Thomas, Oscar Wilde, or Lord Byron. (If you are tiring of Oscar Wilde, look at his lover Lord Alfred Douglas’ works.)

3. Constantly have a bored expression. Your personality is now bored. If you are on a rollercoaster, scream like “aaaaa” instead of “AAAAH”. If you find this impractical, simply revert to feral terror or a knowing smirk.

4. Invest in a tote bag bearing a literary project. If the project references a philosopher, even better.

5. Have a small knowledge of Greek Mythology. Enough to make the average plebeian question how you spend your time.

6. Use proper English- and by that I mean, British English. To pull off the dark academia aesthetic, dynasty must be pronounced differently. If this fails, try a slight British accent to get you there- or at the very least, have proper enunciation.

7.If you choose a pet, choose a cat or a snake. If possible, wear the snake as a necklace. Bonus points for snake if a python, or black or green. If pythons are not available at your bequest, a cat will work- any colour, but black is always a classic. Make sure said animal will kill you in your sleep if given the opportunity. (Adopt black pets! They don’t get enough love.) 8. Learn an obscure fact daily to replenish your knowledge. Bonus points if you use long, hard to pronounce words in your description of the fact. You must tell everyone in the nearest mile this fact, if they ever so much as approach you. You yourself rarely start conversations, for you are antisocial and apathetic. (If your MBTI type does not allow for this, sigh frequently while talking about something obscure and/or dead. Wax poetic about your love of the Latin language.)