#mosstxt

I dream a dirty dream of you Leaning in to kiss me firmly and unceasingly Your hands wandering greedily You need me exactly and then more

It's a dirty dream of you You fuck me until I can't ask for more I cried that I'm yours I know tomorrow I'll be sore

Another dirty dream of you Commanding me your way and I give it all to you Your pleasure is my joy

I dream a dirty dream of you I'm excited, we have hours and everything's right Please touch me like that I need it like that

One is powerful in her enrapturement, half-lidded gaze victorious; The other, usually active and giving, yet so vulnerable while receiving, such an appeal;

I want to touch and be touched, hands generous, expressive, desirous; Inside each other in every way We ebb and flow so easily together we three Our brains and hearts together wet and sticky and raw

Trust renewed that if I reach out and touch it, the love will touch me back. No hesitation only relaxation and ease Increasingly I am released and I feel myself expanding stretching my limbs, that sweet opening ache I want that touch all the time

I want that touch all the time

I learned so well to be easy I never learned how to be needy (especially not like this)

I want you and you need time

and I know how that feels It's been so much

My patience is oceanic My heart swells like a tide to be there for you but then I begin to doubt - there's so much I don't know - what if nothing changes -

In my mind, those past events begin to melt into meanings held only by me Perhaps for you, it was nothing at all (or not quite the same) (or the product of a moment, now over) and your joy is found with just this.

(Just this - moments of beauty and comfort and shared time - a hug, a kiss, shared interests, just this - silly, comfortable, life together - you said you loved me - )

I feel wretched with ingratitude An undeserving mongrel creature wanting more

I want you I think of you all the time and I feel the breath of that mongrel shame panting hot at the heels of my (ir)rational judgement

It says, if I really cared for you I would welcome your love exactly as it was, every day, always, forever, (isn't that right?)

Yet despite myself my thoughts snag once more on an image of you rapturous I'm captured in that thread What if we -

A new idea drags at me like thick wet concrete I feel sick Did I make you do that Was the touch of my hands too heavy a weight I feel sick

I recall so many moments of reaching, asking, encouraging, hoping, laying your hands upon me intimately, and I feel myself shrivel cold in retrospective disgust

Even if no harm done, my soul twists with embarrassment I do have some pride How humiliating to put myself through that I do us both wrong

I will be kind and respectful I will not touch you like that again I will be good to your honest heart

I imagine a future of watching you touch her (and it's beautiful) (I love her too) while under the soft light of those magical scenes I hide my yellowed teeth, just feeling a little off today, I tell myself I'm content, my claws, what claws, I love you all I love you all, you look to my eyes and they aren't the same, inevitably I become the mongrel. I hurt you both. An ocean of patience could never have helped us. I despair.

I let myself need the wrong thing It got out and it won't go back into confinement I'm sorry How can I need you now