Mom, I wish I had narcolepsy so I can by a ferret. Then I would put it in my shirt all day and it would move around and scratch or bite to wake me up. #morningswithjack

Hey dad you have a hitchhikers thumb. #morningswithjack

"Jack, tell mommy what daddy did yesterday." ··· Got after it. ··· "Well ok buddy, yes, that's always the right answer, but seriously, the other thing..." ··· #morningswithjack

Don't accuse people of something they didn't do! It's called be framed! #morningswithjack

Does it hurt to have your blood ejected? #morningswithjack

Horses sweat? I thought they cooled down through their siliva. #morningswithjack

Dad, what was your worst year in school? ··· "I don't know bud. Why? What was yours?" ··· Mine was third grade. That's when I broke my foot and started throwing up on Valentine's Day. #morningswithjack

Break a leg! That's what you say to someone for good luck who's going on stage. ··· "Yeah, I wonder where that phrase came from?" ··· The 2015 Almanac. #morningswithjack