#moreyou

I need you here 

a short story by Samantha Buluran

Trigger warning: this story contains suicide attempts and dark thoughts that the other readers may find disturbing.

“Gab, stop. You know, just being there is enough, just being there for me while I’m lifting myself up, is enough to keep me going, it is enough just knowing you are there but you chose not to and I’m done”. Samantha said as she ran away, leaving Gab behind with her tears streaming down her face. She doesn’t know what to feel anymore with all of the different pains she feels as the memories of them together keeps on flashing back.  

Samantha Jane Escabel just finished her degree in Bachelor of law and now preparing for her licensure exam. They knew Samantha for her strong mindset, cheerfulness and independent person that’s why she have so many friends and liked by many people. Her friends described her as a sweet, courageous and a one call away friend.  

Kringgg!! Kringg!! Kringg!! Samantha’s phone was ringing as she woke up with its loud ringtone. She checked the time and saw that it’s already 3:34 am in the morning. She answered her phone and heard a girl sobbing and immediately checked the caller ID and saw that it was her friend, Mica.  

“Hey, Mics. What happened? Are you okay? Why are you crying?” Samantha is fully awake and the worry in her face is evident because her friend Mica, attempted to suicide many times. “Sam,

I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t want to feel anything. The pain is unbearable. I can’t do this anymore. I’m holding the gun of my uncle right now and they will be here any minute now.” her friend said while sobbing.

“Mics, calm down okay? Put the gun down and then breathe. Inhale… Exhale…okay?” she replied. “Sam, help me. Please.” Her friend said. “Okay, I will go there, just calm down and put the gun away and then pray, okay? I will go there right now.” Samantha replied as she hurriedly got her keys and go to the Garcia residence with her worried face. As soon as she entered the room of her friend, Samantha hugged Mica tightly and comforted her all night. The next day, mica calmed down and Samantha assured that she’s really fine before she came back home.  

While entering their house, she heard her mom shouting and there she saw that her parents were fighting. She hurriedly goes to her room and overheard that her father left as he closed the door with a loud bang saying he cannot take it anymore, leaving her mother sobbing. As soon as she heard a long silence, she went to her mother and asked what happened. “I think we should take a break and think properly before me and your dad talk again, or else it will be the end for our family.” Her mother said. Samantha comforted her mom despite feeling the pain and sadness about the possibilities that can happen to their family because her parents almost decided to separate and that made her feel anxious. She cried herself out and just felt the heaviness and sadness all night without even telling anything to her friends.  

The next day, Samantha and her friends decided to meet in a café. Samantha’s swollen eyes are very obvious and her friends started to ask what happen. “Ohmygosh Sam, what happened?” her friend Colin asked. “Oh nothing, it’s just that everything at home are in full chaos, nothing special, just a normal fam prob” she replied and assured that she’s okay.  Her friends didn’t ask more questions because they think that Samantha will reach out to them if she really needed someone and they believed that she would handle it.

The day went by fast and it’s already 6 pm, they don’t noticed that they have been talking for hours because of their different stories. While laughing to the joke of her friend, they heard the wind chimes in the café and unconsciously looked at the ones entering the café and saw Gabriel Servaez with his friends. Gabriel and Samantha met their eyes and smiled at each other. Her friends saw everything and looked at her with their left eyebrow up and a teasing smile on their lips. “OMG, we saw that, the eye to eye with a sweet smile, arghhh OMG, girl HAHAHAHAHA” Grace said while pinching Samantha’s arm. “Something smells fishy, hmmm” Claire added and her other friends continued to tease her.

Gabriel Servaez was her classmate in Senior High school, they used to hang out together and date but it eventually ends and everything just fell apart. When they met each other’s eyes, Samantha felt the tingling sensation, the skipped in her heart and the butterflies in her stomach. That’s when she found out that her feelings for Gab never changed despite being apart all these years.  

Samantha explained to her friends that nothing is going on between her and Gabriel and they just saw each other now after how many years. While explaining to them, a quick flashback of her memories with Gabriel crossed her mind.  

3 years ago, a boy suddenly approached Sam while eating in the canteen. “May I sit here with you?” the boy said. Sam smiled and said “Oh, yes. Sure.” They began to introduce themselves. “Hi. I’m Gabriel, your new classmate”. The boy said. “Yes, I saw you a while ago when you are introducing yourself and by the way, I’m Samantha” she replied. Samantha noticed that Gabriel is very quiet and really an introvert person. But even though Gabriel doesn’t talk that much, they comfortably began to know each other day by day and became close because of Samantha’s cheerful personality.

Until one day, Gab confessed his feelings to Sam. Luckily their feelings are mutual and started dating. But just like every relationship, they began to fight and mostly their fights is about Gabriel. Gabriel is an introvert person and he’s not comfortable in opening up to someone. He always bottled up his feelings and just kept everything to himself. He tends to overthink things that makes him anxious always. Because of these traits, Sam often asks him what is going on. She felt like what is her role in Gab’s life if he can’t even say the things he’s been going through despite being his girlfriend. She felt unwanted so she decided to leave because she can’t see any progress even how many months have passed and end their relationship.  

Samantha just came back to her senses when her friends decided to call it a day. When she got home, she can’t stop thinking about Gabriel and started to reminisce their memories together. While she’s in her deep thoughts, Gabriel’s name pop up on her notification bar. She’s very surprised and tried to slap her face two times just to be sure if what she’s seeing is true. She slowly opened the message. “Hey, how are you? It’s nice to see you again. I hope we can hang out soon”. Gabriel’s message to Sam. “I’m doing fine, how about you? Of course we can, let’s decide when.” She replied. Their conversation continued and started to talk to each other every day and hanged out more often.  

Few months from now, the licensure exams are coming up and Sam can’t avoid to put so much pressure on herself because of the high expectations of her parents and also the current situation of their family. These past few days, Sam can’t helped to feel the heaviness and sadness in her heart because of what was happening in her life, she always cried at night until she fell asleep. And this night was no exception, while scrolling through twitter with her tears streaming down her face, Samantha saw the tweets of her friend, Colin and it looked like she’s in real pain so she decided to message her just to check if she was okay. Samantha stopped herself from crying because she knew that Colin needed someone right now. She chose to comfort Colin and avoided the sadness she’s feeling just to be there for her friend.  

After 2 months, Samantha and Gabriel still hanged out and stayed in touch. Until one day, Gabriel said that he wanted Samantha back and his feelings for Sam never faded despite all those years and Sam didn’t think twice because she thought that the Gab right now is far from the Gab in the past and just confessed that she felt the same way and they both decided to come back together.

Gabriel started to open himself to Samantha. One day, Gab’s father has been diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer and Gab was so devastated. He experienced sudden breakdowns, anxiety and panic attacks every day. Sam is always there by his side and never got tired to comfort Gab. She cannot even comfort herself because Gab needed her right now as he experienced the most challenging part of his life. Because of the situation, Gab depended to Sam in everything that he do. He saw Sam as a strong person because of everything she’s been through, she can still manage to stand still on her feet and now he thinks that he is a weaker person because of how he behaved.

Gabriel’s father died and Samantha assured that she will be there for Gab until he’s fine.

Months have passed, the licensure exam of Samantha was just one week from now and all of the pressure she’s feeling was twice heavy than the past few weeks. She was studying in her room when she heard her parents shouting. Her parents were fighting again so she went down the stairs and asked her parents what’s going on. “Your dad and I decided to get divorce. I’m sorry, but we can’t go on like this. Please respect our decision. You already finished your college, so everything will be fine.” Her mother said. Samantha was shocked and can’t utter a single word but hear tears started to flow in her rosy cheeks. “No, mom. You didn’t even think of me, you just decided for your own good. So what if I already finished college, am I not your daughter? How could you decide for this family without even telling me about this.” Samantha replied to her mother and ran to her room. As soon as she entered her room, she called Gab to tell what’s going on and she cried herself out while Gab is listening.

A few weeks later, it’s the licensure exam day of Samantha. After the confrontation of Sam and her parents, she can’t focus on her studies because she’s thinking everything and got distracted that’s why she is not confident in taking the exam.  

After how many months, the result of the licensure exam will be announced this day but Samantha is crying because they just talked about the divorce of her parents. Despite understanding the reasons of her parents, she can’t help but to feel all the pain and sadness. While crying, Gabriel called Samantha to remind her girlfriend that the results of the licensure exam will be released today. Calming and convincing herself that everything will be okay, Samantha is waiting for the results. As she keeps on scrolling, she can’t find her surname and that’s when she knew, she failed the exam.  

Samantha was experiencing her most challenging time of her life. With her parents getting divorce and her, failing the licensure exam. She felt like her whole world suddenly collapsed and she didn’t know how to stand now or what and how to feel everything all at once. Everything is a mess. She needed her friends and her boyfriend but suddenly, she don’t reach Gabriel. His number was out of reach and all of his social media accounts has been deactivated. She don’t know where to find herself or where to begin helping herself because the only person she had right now is herself.  

Samantha cried her eyes out every day but now, she just felt numb. She wanted to cry but unfortunately, her tears no longer drop. Some days, she felt everything at once but some days, she felt nothing at all. Her friends was surprised when they heard about what she’s been through. They didn’t expect all of it because Sam always assured them that she is okay and everything was just fine. Gabriel was nowhere to be found. No texts, no calls, no communication at all.

Day by day, Samantha learned to accept things. She began to fix and face all of the failures she experienced. She learned to accept that she’s not strong as she think she is that she also needs someone. And that it’s okay not to feel stable and be strong all the time. Her friends also realized that despite being a strong person, Samantha also need someone to lean on.  

As she’s fixing herself, she finally decided to end things up between her and Gabriel. She messaged Gabriel to meet her in the usual café to talk about their relationship. Gabriel surprisingly came with his worried face. “Gab, let’s break up” Samantha said, as soon as she saw Gabriel. The surprise was very obvious in Gabriel’s face when he heard Samantha as if he’s not expecting it to happen. “No, Sam. Please, let’s talk. The reason why I left is because between the two of us, you are the strongest one. And how can I possibly encourage you that everything’s going to be okay knowing that I am the weaker person here.”  As soon as Samantha heard what just Gabriel said. She felt betrayed. She thought that he’s being unreasonable. “You know what, I did not expect you to lift me up when I’m down. I just expect you to be on my side while I’m trying to lift myself up.” Samantha replied. Gab tried to hold the hand of Samantha but she removed it instead. “Gab, stop. You know, just being there is enough, just being there for me while I’m lifting myself up, is enough to keep me going, it is enough just knowing you are there but you chose not to and I’m done”. Samantha said as she ran away leaving Gab behind with her tears streaming down her face.