#morene

 The calm, impassive set of her face implies that they might be talking about the weather.

Mor bristles. At the words. At the assumption in them. At the calm. She had loved it at times, yes. But at other times, times like this, times when she wants that mask to shatter and reveal the storm beneath, she hates it.

 “What’s that supposed to mean?” she demands sharply, the words laced with a snarl that makes them harsher than she had intended.

Selene, as is her wont, remains utterly composed and unruffled by the display of aggression on her part. 

“It means that I know you,” she says simply. She takes another draught of tea then adds, before Mor can protest, “Fifty years apart, or five hundred, it makes no matter. I know you.”

Mor’s anger recedes at those words, at the truth contained within them. She does know her, she always has. Even from that first moment that they met, she had looked into her eyes and known. Known that something darker than the bright sunshine she coated herself with lurked beneath her warm eyes. 

She’s always had this effect on her. Has always been able to gentle her, quiet her, soothe her with a few soft words. Bare her body with some soft touches. Brush herself against her very soul with a kiss.

“I know when something is wrong,” Selene continues, every word carefully selected. Controlled, quiet, precise, as they always have been, “What happened?”

Mor closes her eyes, looking away from her. When she opens them, she lets her gaze stretch to the endless horizon beyond. 

Out past the bloodied battlefield and the crows that are starting to gather in clouds above it. A feast of the dead that she does not want to look at or think upon right now. 

Her throat tightens as the memory again surges. A part of her wishes to shove it down, wishes to continue insisting that everything is fine.

Yet...Yet it’s not fine. And she hasn’t seen this woman in fifty years. But it’s as though they’ve been together through it all. Side-by-side as they once were, as they perhaps should always be. And the words come before she truly gives them permission to. 

A world in which she feels the need to hide from this woman, this woman, who has seen and knows every inch of her body, her heart, her being...Is one she might not feel inclined to save any more.

“I had a fight with a friend,” she confesses tightly. 

Selene’s eyes slide to glance at her, though she remains facing the field, without turning her head. But she notes the tone, the rawness in Mor’s voice, as though the aftermath of the fight still stings at her throat, ravages the words when she tries to speak of it.

“About the war?” Selene enquires carefully, slender silver eyebrow arching. “Surely that is not enough to-“

“No,” Mor grits out, voice brittle. 

She takes a deep breath, clenching and unclenching her hands in her lap, a gesture that isn’t missed by Selene’s razor eyes. 

“Not about this. About. About-“ 

She can’t say it, can’t get the words out, not even to Selene, who knows, who understands she can’t she- 

Mor doesn’t realise how violently she’s shaking until she feels Selene’s hand on her back. Ice seems to spread from where they connect, the cold spreading through her, soothing her. Like a cool balm on a feverish ache.

Swallowing hard, Mor lets Selene gently rub her back in big, broad circles, unable to bear, for all her cool indifference, seeing her suffer this way. 

The touch is intimate, deeply personal, and again it feels like no time has passed between them. Like it was only yesterday they were bundled naked together beneath furs, in front of the roaring fireplace in the small mountain lodge that Selene called her home.

Finally, Mor manages to say tightly, “She knows.” Selene stiffens, her eyes going wide in surprise, “About me. About-“ 

She doesn’t have to finish, the way she squeezes her shoulder communicates well enough that she understands.

Mor bows her head, thick golden hair falling over her face, shielding the pain carving lines into her skin, hollowing out her eyes. 

She had been careful, she had been so careful all these years. She had hidden all those she had been with, all those she might have fallen in love with...All those she had fallen in love with to keep herself safe. 

If the Circle knew, the male lovers she had taken confused them enough that they kept quiet, kept wondering but never...Never in five hundred years had anyone challenged her the way that Feyre had.

They’re quiet for a long time, until a tear finally breaks free of Mor’s iron restraint and slides down her cheek. Before she can lift her own hand, Selene is there, pale, delicate fingers brushing it away, strengthening her.

 “Don’t you think,” she asks, voice quiet and measured but with a tightness that hasn’t entered it since she joined her here. A tightness she hasn’t heard for fifty years, “Don’t you think it would be so much better for you if you just told them all?”

There was no judgement in the words. None. There never had been. Not from her, never from her. She understands too well, understands her and understands this. What it feels like to be asked to bear such a tender, delicate part of herself that has never been seen, never touched before by any who don’t have a similar part of themselves to protect.

“Don’t start that again,” Mor snarls viciously, pulling away. 

The words snap out of her and she regrets them the instant they leave her mouth, as Selene’s hand leaves her back but...She can’t go through that again. Not with her. Not now. Not so soon after Feyre, when everything is still so raw.

Selene holds her furious stare, her own burning gaze meeting one of calm, tempered ice. Neither of them look away, neither bending or breaking, but it is Selene who speaks first. 

“I only want you to be happy, Mor,” she says, her voice uncharacteristically soft and gentle, “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“I know, I know,” Mor whispers, dropping her eyes at last and staring at the hands that are now fumbling uncomfortably in her lap to keep them from seizing one of Selene’s. “I’m sorry,” she mutters, quiet and brittle.

Selene surveys her for a long moment without saying anything, then, “It was bad?”

Mor can’t bring herself to answer her, the words jamming in her throat. She only manages a tight nod.

Selene draws in a heavy breath, fidgeting, uncharacteristically, with a loose thread in the fitted silver tunic she wears. 

Selene rarely wore dresses, feeling out of place and uncomfortable in the flowing silks and frills that Mor and her sister so loved. She had coaxed her into a few over the years, and the sight of her in them always damn near destroyed her. But there was something right about Selene in the tunics and jackets and furs of her court.

Finally she says quietly, “I was pleased to see you, today, you know.” 

Mor blinks in surprise, not having expected the conversation to take this turn. 

“I know I may have reacted...poorly, especially compared to-“ A muscle feathers in her jaw as she snaps her mouth shut, forestalling the comparison to her sister. A slight shake of the head, “I apologise,” she says stiffly. Too stiffly.

A soft smile brushes Mor’s lips for the first time that night. “You seem to forget,” she says quietly, reaching over and slipping her hand, warm from the tea that’s slowly growing cold, into hers. “That I know you, too.” 

Selene looks up at her, those impenetrable grey eyes yielding just a little for her. Her thumb strokes absently over the back of Mor’s hand. She shivers at the contact.

“I had thought you must be dead,” Selene says quietly, “After all that time, no word from you in that court. Even...In that place...”

Her eyes darken at the mention of Under the Mountain. Mor stiffens at the mention too. She had gone with Kallias that day, his right hand, his sworn shield, had remained there with him during Amarantha’s reign. From Rhys, Mor knows some of the horrors she experienced there.

Selene swallows hard, composing herself, pushing down whatever dark memories had reached up to take hold of her and Mor realises...Realises that she knows this woman but...There are scars that she doesn’t know, demons she has not yet met, ghosts that have not been buried.

However, her voice is perfectly steady when she resumes, “I thought of asking Rhys for news of you,” she says quietly. “I was never close to him, rarely spent time with him, but I knew he was your cousin, knew he cared for you, trusted you and yet...The mask he wore there, the things that he did-“ 

She cuts herself off when she feels Mor starting to shake beside her. Her thumb strokes over her hand again and her voice is controlled when she continues, weighing each word.

“I was not sure if I could trust him. I wanted to ask after you to know if you were safe, if there was even a shred of hope but...” She bows her head, shaking herself. “I told myself it would be worth it, whatever bargain he might strike with me, whatever wicked price he might compel me to pay it...It would have been worth it...For you.” 

Mor swallows tightly past the lump in her chest, struggling to remain grounded, present.

 “I was a coward,” Selene whispers, hanging her head, her eyes closing, though she doesn’t pull away from Mor, their hands remaining entwined, bridging the distance between them.

Mor opens her mouth to push back, to counter her, but Selene is already going on, speaking her words into the dark, cool night that’s slowly starting to unfold around them, darkness embracing them both.

“I should have asked him. I should have asked after you then I would have known. Then today perhaps I-“ 

She straightens her spine, exhaling, her breath blowing out in a cloud in front of her. Reasserting her famous control.

She turns at last and looks at Mor again as she says, “Seeing you again today, it was a shock. After all this time I, I-“

She stops herself, turns away again, unable to say what she feels for her in this moment. But Mor hears it all the same, echoing across fifty years spent in fear and uncertainty and distance, the longest they had ever gone without seeing one another. 

I missed you.

The argument with Feyre keeps playing over and over in her head. A never-ending echo that makes her feel an odd combination of emotions.  Anger and fear both strong amidst the torrent. 

Then there are the feelings that Selene has now stirred, the lust, the want, the desire. With the words, spoken and unspoken...It’s too much. 

They all rage within her, a fire that’s blazing out of control, setting her on edge and making her wince as every movement sends it flashing through her raw nerves.

She wants the softness she knows she can draw from Selene. That tenderness she isn’t sure anyone else has ever truly known from her. Not in the way she has. The ice in her touch would be the most welcome thing in the world right now, to still the inferno within.

Others had fled from it, had turned their backs on her, not wanting the cold, distant woman. Mor had never understood how they’d been unable to see the light that burned in her eyes when she set them on fire. There was a Starfall whenever they were entwined. 

She longs for it, has longed for it all these long year. She had never thought to have it again. Had never thought to even have a chance. Had never thought to be this close again.

Mor realises that she’s leaning into her, instinct drawing her forwards. The same kind of force as the pull that ties her to the earth, irresistible, inevitable. She wants this. She wants her. 

She wants the soothing calm that always floods through her whenever they’re together. Other lovers have set her on fire, stoked the flames that writhe and dance in her blood, in her heart. Selene...Selene had soothed it, had gentled it, had made it all stop for the first time in her life. 

When she had taken her to bed that first time, all those years ago, on a diplomatic mission to her court...She had never experienced anything like it before.

Selene was so often dismissed, so often in her sister’s shadow. Many made the mistake of assuming she was bitter about that, that she disliked the attention lavished upon Viviane but...She had confessed to liking it. The two of them understood one another and Viviane’s shadow, quiet, calm, peaceful, was exactly where Selene longed to be.

 She would have died for her sister. A hundred times over, before letting so much as a scratch touch her soft skin. That was Viviane’s power, her charm, the way wielded the beauty the Cauldron had given her, deflected attention from her reserved sister but Mor…

She loved Viviane dearly, the two so alike in personality and taste that they had connected at once, all bubbly laughter and excited shouts. Viviane was alive with energy and joy and yet, despite that shine, that presence, that magnetic pull towards her...The moment Mor had set eyes on Selene she had wanted her.

She had not taken a female lover since Andromache’s death but when she saw Selene...Her heart had constricted, her lungs emptying of breath. The world around her had gone quiet and dark and cold and she had never wanted it to switch back on, had not wanted the raucous laughter or pounding music to distract from this.

Mor had looked at Selene and she had been home. She was Velaris when it came alive after the sun had set and the stars scattered themselves about the sky above. 

She was the quiet time she spent during the nights. Alone on a balcony, the cool air a fresh and welcome touch upon her skin, fever hot from dancing and singing and laughing at Rita’s. 

She was the heavy embrace of the darkness gilded with moonlight that made her feel safe, cherished.

Their courtship had been quiet, tentative. Mor had made excuses, so many that Cassian had teased her mercilessly, and Az had quietly asked if everything was alright, to return to the Winter Court to visit her. 

She pretended it was for Viviane, their friendship so open, and the letters they sent one another so constant that no-one questioned it. But as soon as she could she went to Selene.

It took her time to open up, to trust Mor, to let her in. But before long she had been showing her the court. At first just the cities, her favourite places to eat or to shop. Different from the bustling places Viviane had dragged her too, but still within the cities, safe, distanced.

Then something had changed between them. Selene had softened, a more vulnerable side emerging, and she’d taken her to all of her secret, intimate places. The places she had only ever gone alone, and had never shared with another soul before her.

Mor hadn’t been able to get enough of her. There hadn’t been enough hours in the day, enough weeks in the year, enough years in her eternity to spend with her. 

She had been so timid, opening up to her, revealing how she felt about females. It had been easier with Andromache. She had been human, separate, distinct, from the world she hid herself from so keenly.

Selene was fae, was part of that world, could have ruined her so easily and yet... She had not been able to help herself.

That first time they had slept together had been the first time that Selene had seen Velaris. 

She still remembered it so well. Mor had taken her to all of her favourite places, shown her everything she could all in that one visit. She had been sure she had overwhelmed her, sure she would simply wish to return home the next day, exhausted.

But instead they had ended up in that cabin in the mountains and Selene had stared with wonder at the night their court was famous for and then...Then she had kissed her.

They had tumbled into bed that same night. And Mor had not known pleasure like it since Andromache had died. She had never thought to feel that kind of pleasure again. Everything had gone quiet and still. She had forgotten that there was a world out there beyond that cabin, beyond the space where their bodies connected.

It had not lasted. 

Reality had rushed back in. 

One particularly bad visit to the Court of Nightmares had caused her to end it in a blind panic. She had been unable to stop herself imagining all of the things that her father would do to Selene. Her beautiful, wonderful Selene. 

If he had ever found out about her, about what they had, he would take it. He would take it, and he would break it, and she would be as helpless as a child before him again with that power it would have given him over her.

 That terror had been too much. She had handled it badly and Selene...After all the time it had taken to build up her trust, her interest, she had ruined everything between them that night.

Yet it hadn’t ended there. 

They had both been young and foolish and Mor was still connected to that court through Viviane. Selene, it seemed, had never explained to her sister what they had had, what they had been to one another, what they might have been had Mor not rejected her. Viviane had, eventually, dragged her into staying with her once more and when she had seen Selene...She had broken.

She had confessed everything to her that night. The Court of Nightmares. The vitriol she had grown up with. What her father and Eris had done to her after she had slept with Cassian and ruined her betrothal. 

Selene had listened in that way of hers, that quiet that somehow went beyond silence. A calm so razor-edged and lethal that Mor had seen the wild thing stir to life in her eyes. They had fallen into bed and into love with one another all over again.

But it had still ended. It always ended. 

Mor panicked. Or Selene needed more than she could give her. The distance grated on them. The need for secrecy and lies broke them both.

 Something always happened to tear them away from one another. But then something always happened to bring them back. No matter how far she ran, no matter how far apart the world pulled them, something was always stronger. It always brought them back. Even conquest and war and tyranny had not been enough to separate them.

Here they were again, on the precipice of the dawn of the new world, and they were together. They had survived. They were here. And Mor wants her. She craves her. She needs her.

Not just for the reckless defiance that blurred the lines between sense and spite after the argument with Feyre. 

Not just because she needs something, anything, to take her away from the horror of this war. 

Not just because she’s desperate for a distraction from the prospect of watching those she loved die around her. 

Not just because she wants someone to just hold her for one damned night where she can be soft and vulnerable, and something less than strong. 

Because she wants her. She needs her. She always has. A part of her likely always will.

Selene feels her stare and turns slowly to her. Mor catches a flicker of lust lighting the deep slate grey of her eyes, making the silver dance through them. Then they slide down to her lips. Remaining there. 

She does not look away this time, does not flinch from the heat and lust that she must be able to feel blazing from her, that she can surely scent with so little distance between them.

Mor moves closer to her. They’re out here in the open, a stone’s throw from the entire Winter Court army. Her own army is camped not far from there, her own father among them.

But she feels reckless, defiant in the face of Feyre’s accusations, the words she had hurled at her. 

Liar. Liar. Liar. 

She squeezes her hand tightly, their lips a mere fraction from one another.

She feels it, tastes it, when Selene whispers, “Mor.” 

It’s a warning, a reproach, a hesitation...But she does not pull away. Her eyes flutter, half-closed, her lips part slightly, seeking for Mor’s.

A flicker of uncertainty stirs inside her as she realises how close they are, how open and exposed and vulnerable. 

She covers the moment, getting smoothly to her feet, as though this had always been the intention, the moment that had passed between them just now nothing more than a tease. 

“Come,” Mor murmurs quietly, not taking her eyes from the female still sitting primly upright on the grass, not having moved.

Mor holds out her hand. Invitation. Offer. Plea.

“Mor-“ Selene begins, still not moving.

She keeps her hand held out to her, says once more, not bothering to try to hide the faint note of desperation in her voice, not from her, when she says again, “Come.”

Selene takes a breath, closing her eyes, pressing her lips together. Then, faster than Mor can see, her hand shoots out, closing around Mor’s own, her grip death tight. 

A moment later she’s winnowed them, drawing them both into darkness and shadow. Away, away, away. omewhere they can be alone together at last.