#morbin'

A NOTE: I know. I know. We’re pariahs for even watching this, but it’s what we DO. Now you don’t have to. 

Munch: Happy Birthday Biscuits! It's almost your birthday and we're punishing you with watching Morbius! This seems very timely, given the memes. Plus it's our job to review shitty movies, so....I can't believe I'm paying money for this shit. But for once, Munch gets to go in blind!

Biscuits: We're hopping on the morb train. The meme bandwagon. The Morbus to Morbtown. Fun story! I wanted to see this movie. I was like - well Jared Leto is in it but you know....maybe it'll be like the Venom movies, not good but fun!

M: Morbius said bisexual pride? Those are the bi colors. Well that was loud. Cerra De La Muerte, why is it always some island of the fucking dead? How many islands of the dead are there? A helichopper is here, and Dr. Morb, looking very morb.

B: He looks like Jesus.

M: Don't give Jared Leto any more ideas.

An overwhelming number of bats.

B: That's not true, bats don't just mob and murder large animals.

M: Dr. Morb holds up his bloody hand and the bats just come out of fucking nowhere, there's like a brazillian of them. And now it's MORBIN TIME. But first, his back story. Back 25 years ago before the morbing.

B: He was a young, sickly boy.

M: Holy shit it's Jared Harris. This is going to become a running joke. Morb has a blood disease. He's....infected. Needs regular oil changes. Biscuits once again suckin' down margarita like it's going out of style.

B: Oh shit, Milo is dead! He's fucking dead! Oh morb is super smart and knows how to fix the IV machine because he's got big brains. And the kid just instantly gets back up. He's fine. The doctor wants him to go to a school for gifted kids.

M: This sounds vaguely familiar. Like x men. And harry potter. We still don't know who Milo is. Lucien who just almost died is now getting his ass handed to him by some juvenile delinquents. Is his name Milo or fucking Lucien??? They keep calling him both. Morbo is now all grown up and he graduated stupid young and I have no idea what this has to do with Milo.

B: This backstory is as chopped up as...I don't know.

M: Morby is still pretty sickly looking though. He refused the ‘noble’ prize. Oh Milo is the benefactor to all these weirdo experiments. Morbo has a ton of bats. He's gonna use vampire bats dna to cure his weird blood disease. Oh he's gonna inject a mouse. That mouse is gonna MORB. Science always goes so fast in movies. The mouse is deadski.

B: What was supposed to happen to the mouse? It gets morbed? To save my best friend Milo who I shared 45 seconds of screen time with! Now the little girl is dying. Get this girl 100cc's of....drugs!

M: So they put her in a coma. Because you know. Science. Oh the mouse is fine. It came back.

B: Got morbed. Now he's gonna morb this poor sick child.

M: Oh damn we get to see Milo again. He's still sick. Jared Harris is still here. He hasn't aged a day despite everyone else aging 25 years.

B: Is that the guy who played Dr. Who?

M: Yep. Milo Who.

B: Milo just straight up rejected him. No bitches for Morbius. You up for a little morbin? Love is one thing, morbin...that's another. Now a callback to 10 minutes ago.

Michael Morbius & Milo, aka the M&Ms

M: Morbius is morbin up some dna in international waters where it's totally legal.

B: The biggest thing in this movie right now is that the pacing is going at BREAKNECK speed, everything is so poorly established. They did do a good job of making Morbius look on the brink of death because I am expecting Jared Leto to fucking die at any given moment. Oh NIPPLES, NIPPLES!

M: Oh my god.

B: Oh they're putting it in his spine AHHHHHHHH. You've never had a needle in your spine, I have! AHHHHHH. He's very skinny, but when he morbs he's gonna get so jacked. His nipples will be fully engorged.

M: You can't say things like that and expect me not to put it in there. Things are getting kinky, they have to tie Morbo down while he morbs. He's having a seizure or something. The lights will flicker on and off. He's unstrapped, he was just strapped down.

B: The seedy boat dude is down here checking on Morbius but he's bad because he disrespects women. They're doing delicate celibate research.

M: Morbo is now not on the table. He's hanging from the fucking ceiling making howler monkey noises. They shoot at him, but it's too late, he's MORBED. Oh my god, he looks hysterical. He ate that guy and how he's destroying shit.

B: Like Venom, he doesn't like noises. That woman just got pushed and she fell unconscious. Oh shit BULLET TIME. It's like the matrix! It looks bad. It does look like the source material but it shouldn't.

M: I don't even know what's happening. Morbo morbed and is killing fucking everyone.

B: He's going on a complete murderous morbius rampage. It feels like the whole movie has happened already.

M: Morbo wakes up and he's going back to being...human.

B: See he's buff! And he's got HUGE TITTIES. Did you see how big his titties are???

M: You're killing me. You are titty obsessed.

(Dib: What does LGBT stand for?? Leto got big titties??)

Biscuits is a proud member of the LGBT community.

B: *dies laughing* Morbius has to make sure his girlfriend is okay. He can hear her heartbeat because he's part bat.

M: I hope he's part sailor because he's got to get that boat back to land. Oh he's gonna Mayday it. Oh by the way you MURDERED everyone. Might wanna not be there when the cops show up. Oh the FBI is here. Doctor girl is in a coma just from getting pushed over. Morbo left an origami calling card though. Which was dumb.

B: Milo is like - that sounds like my ex boyfriend Morbius, he used to do that shit all the time. We used to Morb. Morbius is visiting his girlfriend in a coma. Whoops, sorry. My bad.

M: Oh the effects are wearing off. He's doing the stanky leg. He's gotta KEEP MORBIN. Despite the horrific side effects of murdering everyone. He's gotta get some blood.

B: He's using a pouch of blood like a fucking capri sun. Like a goddamn go gurt. He's doing math to figure out how often he needs to eat blood.

M: Morbius is like - well I'm a vampire but I'm really strong and I have huge tits so.....

B: Jared Leto is not a good actor. He's gonna vibe with his bat friends.

M: BATS DON'T MOB AND KILL PEOPLE. It doesn't happen. Oh he's got echolocation too. Oh this effect is so....so incredible. Wow. I can't even describe for our home audience how cool that was. The fake blood is only keeping him good for six hours, that's pretty bad.

B: Kids, don't do Morb. Milo shows up where Morbo has left all of his research carefully unguarded. He's locked himself in a cage to contain himself. He's writing BLOOD on the wall.

M: Milo has said Michael like 80 times.

B: Milo tries to pet him like a dog, lol. Milo is just like - HEY YOU'RE STRONG NOW.

Morbs do not appreciate being petted.

M: Nevermind all the sweating and blood drinking and shit. Milo is the one bankrolling this shit. Milo just wants the morb juice, damn the consequences. He wants big titties. I think Dib called it. Milo is gonna go get the morb juice and become the bad guy.

B: Dr woman is alive and concious. She doesn't know anything. She was dead at the time.

M: Is the FBI really suggesting that it looks like a vampire did this?

B: This is the MCU, they've seen weirder. But where is Dr. Morbius? Did he kill those people? Find out the next episode of Mighty Morbin Power Rangers.

M: We are not even halfway through!

B: HOW??? Again, the pacing of this movie is genuinely jarring. I don't know if it was the director or the writers or what but it's like being on a rollercoaster with pieces of the track missing.

M: Oh I guess he morbed out again and he's eating someone. Maybe. Might be Milo Morbin. Nobody notices that Morbius is suddenly tanned and jacked.

B: I'd smash that. Say what you will but I would hit that. Nobody notices how good he looks. Did he get some of that Captain America juice???

M: Oh the FBI found him. But his fake blood saved one of them. But they're like - hey you look pretty good for a guy who is mostly dead.

B: Did you do anything suspicious on that boat? Like turn into a vampire and eat a bunch of guys? He has beautiful eyes. I don't approve of anything he's said or done in his entire life but he's attractive. Morbius is gonna morb out and fight these dudes with his vampire powers. Oh he's got good leaps. 

He’s neo-ing all over the place.

M: He's got a grab bag of powers that would make Wolverine Origins Deadpool jealous. The bullet time is my favorite one. Now he's in jail. But they let him journal. They brought holy water to the interrogation so apparently they believe he IS a vampire.

B: Well he's gotta be SOMETHING because they just saw him do like a 40 foot vertical leap.

M: That's fair. Morbius is like - well I might have killed some people but I'm not like other Morbs. Also I'm about to morb out right now. Please bring my bag of fake blood.

B: I'm starting to get hungry. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry.

M: Milo shows up pretending to be his lawyer. He's gonna be like - the only way to fix this is to give me the morb juice.

B: They're charging me with murder. Well you did kill people! You very much did kill people!

M: Ooh maybe Milo killed that woman. He stole the morb juice. He did bring him some stuff though.

B: He's not walking with his cane anymore, he totally did.

M: Now Morbo is gonna have to get out and take out his childhood bestie.

B: The movie is just like Jared Leto sweating simulator.

M: It's morbin time. Oh fucking SHIT. He's fucking breaking through a concrete wall, for fuck's sake. Oh he's doing BIG JUMPS now. Stops for a spiderman style moment on top of a building. Oh and he's got like super hearing. Oh yeah Milo is definitely a vampire. We are halfway through this movie.

B:  I don't understand what is happening??? Was this movie obliterated on the editing floor or was this how it was supposed to be??

M: What the fuck is the rest of the movie???

B: Jared Leto being sweaty.

M: Milo is like - hey it's cool.

B: Milo's supervillian arc happened so fast. I don't even have a word for how nonsensical this movie's pacing is. Milo has Black Canary's sonic scream. Vampire wrestling match in the subway. The trail effect is kinda hokey.

M: I'm not sure public is the best place for this conversation. Morbo is still wearing prison orange. Milo kills the cops who shows up and even more amazing effects. He fortnite dances. MICHEAAAAAAL.

B: Hey Mikey....Mikey baby...honey.

M: The rest of this movie is just slow mo effects shots. I don't think this is supposed to be funny but it really is. I don't even know what's happening to Jesus Morbius right now. Oh he's fucking FLYING. Just...flying. In the subway. I....I don't....

He’s playin’ the base and I’m FLYIN!

B: Not sure about that one, chief.

M: Milo is gonna go after doctor girl. To make Morbo mad I guess.

B: She's so important to this movie and I'm so invested in her arc. She's reading about how Morbius is wanted for murder but he's on the bus with her. Milo is using his science for EVIL.

M: Now they're in a diner. The issue is, when the fake blood stops working, I morb out. It's kinda bad. Some counterfeiters try to give a woman fake money after she knows it's fake.

B: Morbo is gonna go exact justice. They just counterfeited! I'm not sure they deserve to get fucking murdered.

M: This is the important counterfeiter arc. Is this really happening? We need to slow down the movie RIGHT NOW for this shit.

B: They're trying to show that he's a tortured soul. He's an anti hero. You never know what he's gonna do!

M: He's gonna take their lab? It's for making fake money, not science.

B: I don't know how counterfeiting equipment is gonna help him do blood science.

M: He seriously just made a venom reference??

B: He's a loose cannon Morb on the edge.

M: How is there this much tech in a money lab. And now the Milo sexy dance sequence that is really happening. He's very pleased with his titties I guess. This is really happening. The spiderman dance sequence is now no longer the most hilariously awful dance sequence in a marvel movie.

B: They could have cut that and it would have made no difference. Why is that in here? Milo is creeping on women at the bar now.

M: Can vampires drink tequila? I'm so lost about what is even happening. They don't need to establish that he's a bad guy! We already did that! We know he's a vampire and he killed people! But now he's just out there....roaming around??

B: Scenes in a movie don't really need to like...go together or have any work up or connection, right? Just put em wherever! In whatever order! It doesn't matter. Now Dr. Lady and Milo BadGuy are at Michael's lab and Milo is like - I want to help Morbo, do you know where he is?

M: But she already knows he's a vampire so... I guess he's just gonna leave.

B: Her character is just so incredibly not important to this movie. M: We are 2/3rds of the way through. Now we gotta drag out the final confrontation for another half hour. The FBI doing some fine work here. Oh no Dr. Lady Woman got scratched and Morbius smells the good juice and he's trying not to morb out. I love the whole fucking ‘on red’ shit.

B: ‘On red’ sounds like a euphemism for getting your vampire period. They're having such deep conversation. I really feel the chemistry between these two. None of this would have happened if they cast Keanu Reeves. He also has nice titties. If you just need a dude with nice titties, there's lots of options.

M: Oh they're KISSING. But Milo is watching from 10 miles away because he can do that now. The FBI again doing really important work. They're probably the most interesting characters.

B: The CCTV seems to show a guy getting fucking eaten by a vampire. Because that's how that works and it's not grainy or anything.

M: Jared Harris is like oh no....vampires. Maybe he's gonna be like some sort of vampire mentor. Or he's just gonna die because Milo's gonna murder him. The movie has started dragging ass. Milo has daddy issues. Now there's a showdown with Jared Harris about liking Morbo more. And apparently he just knows Milo's a vampire and he's like - okay? Oh he dead. Milo is a terrible villian ffs.

B: His arc makes no sense.

M: Now more bullshit blood science because Morbo has to die a hero. But there's a big problem with your plan MORBO, because Milo is not dead.

B: He's gonna try to inject Milo first, I think.

M: Jared Harris isn't dead tho so he calls Morbo who of course runs to help him because he's dumb. You can't just walk into a hospital, Dr. Morbo. And he's dead.

B: OH NO HE'S DEAD. This character who had like two scenes in the entire movie. But Morbo has super good ears and he can hear Milo threatening his girlfriend and so he's gonna go out with full ugly vampire face on and echolocate himself some bitches.

No bitches? Try echolocation.

M: That's how echolocation works.

B: He's....soaring.

M: The flying shit fucking kills me, it's so funny. Dr. LadyWoman is dying.

B: Use her tasty blood to make you stronger. Everyone is dying in a ten minute timespan now. They could have cut half this movie out and replaced it with some shit that makes sense. He angry!

M: Can we please do the final showdown and end this?

B: I'm gonna have to take a massive shit in a few minutes so can we wrap this up?

M: Morbo is getting his ass kicked.

(Dib: He's gonna inject himself with the blood and make Milo drink him.)

M: Quit calling everything!

B: Wow this is a really well edited action sequence where I can definitely follow what's going on.

M: And not badly lit at all. Oh it's time for the MORBIUS SCREAM which apparently fucking summons bats???

B: Morbius sucks. He just got his ass handed to him.

M: Oh you've gotta be kidding me. Are the bats gonna like...resurrect him? Eat Milo?? What!??! This is inadvertently HILARIOUS. More slow mo. Morbo is fucking conducting the bats like it's a fucking orchestra. This is really happening. They're attacking Milo.

B: *sadly* Oh nooooo.

M: He injects Milo with the stuff.

B: Get morbed. Mikey...I thought we were bros, dude. All of our bro moments. Our broments.

M: Is this over yet? Milo's dead.

B: Fellas, is it gay to stab your homies goodnight?

M: The cops....again. Time to morb out. A comically large amount of bats and Morbius Neos the fuck out of there. But Dr. Girlfriend is gonna come back??

B: Did his bite morb her into a vampire? That's the end?? O....kay.....

M: In the after credit scene...Michael Keaton is here???? He just got like...portalled into a room.

B: What does he have to do with Morbius??? The multiverse thing???

M: I....don't know. I really like the bisexual lighting honestly but that's like...the only thing.

B: What...no Morbius rap song????

M: Closing thoughts?

B: This movie is a TRAINWRECK. It's kind of entertaining in it's badness. It's so insane. I don't know how much was the director or the writer or the editors but it feels like three different movies spliced together. Half of it feels like there's scenes that are missing and the other half feels like filler that should have been cut out. There's no screen time given to developing the characters, I don't even know the doctor's name. All I can say is it's just a disaster.

M: I think you put it perfectly with the first and second half bits. It's so incredibly paced, I can't even describe it. It's so insane. It's way too fast and then way too slow and then way too fast again and it makes NO SENSE at all. I was kinda entertained, I will admit. I think it's unintentionally hilarious, and honestly all the morbin' time memes are dead on. He just morbs and there's zero explanation for his random powers or why they show up and when, it's just completely random. The special effects are really...something. Matt Smith could not villain his way out of a wet paper bag.

B: It's Morbin.

(Dib: How am I supposed to go on with my life now, now that I've been morbed???)

M: Munch and Biscuits and sometimes Dib, Morbin' out.