Tragic Back Story Unlocked: Mom
My mother explained herself today. I've heard about the some shit that happened in her life, but I never knew how it impacted her. She did that today and followed that by her current stress that I didn't know about and her worries for the future. And honestly I can't remember a time where I cried so much purely because of sadness and guilt. Tear streamed down my face the entire and I never made a sound. I have never been an expressive person, nor emotional. Yes there are stories so so much worse then hers. But there's something heart breaking about hearing your mother tell how's she's got to this point. On how all those negative trait you always emphasized about her (not when speaking to her of course) have a cause. It doesn't justify some of the really bad things, but it helped me see them in a different light. She did not into great detail and I'm already forgetting the specifics. But there was so much emotion and reflection, it's hard not to be effected by it. By no means did she have a objectively horrible life and she was mostly telling us the about he bad parts. The main point is she had no one who stood up for her, much less stand by her, when it comes to her family and father. She understands the world is so competitive and she wants better for us than what she had. She understands this world is different and admits that she's not sure she could handle being a teenager now a days. But than she went on to say I have what she didn't and I'm blowing it off. She didn't say this in a tone that was accusatory, but as she was sad and she wish she could help me better. I do not blame her at all for this. This is honestly how I've been feeling for such a long time and that why I feel so guilty. I never really thought about my mother having less but rather other children growing up in this time with out this support, emotional, physical, and financial. My mother is one of those people. And my self absorbed guilty ass better start shaping up. Because I have live such a blessed life that until recently I've always have taken for granted. Maybe about a year ago I started to realize my place in the world and started thinking about all these thing that I found ordinary and universal, other people didn't have. Like simply loving understands parents or not hating everything about your self so much that you simply never have a happy moment. Yes I knew I was very well off and that other people have horrible lives, but now I think about it all the time. No it doesn't enable me to do anything, and it makes me feel really shitty but I do deserve that and I should change my ways. I'm too lazy and absorbed to do so and that's my greatest down fall. My mind is consumed by the awfulness of this world, and instead of that making me do something it stops me from doing anything. I want to stop being guilty so my inter most conscious is always looking for some tragedy in my life so I at least could justify my beautiful life that I don't deserve. But there's never anything truly awful. And a lot of those little annoyances have a reason. My mom's parents took no interest in her hobbies and that eventually lead to her giving up on them. She really regrets that now. This is why she is so involved in my life even though I some times hate it. But if I'm being honest she never went pass my boundaries; she was always so considerate and caring. Her parents didn't care about school and she wishes she did better. My uncle and aunt did even end up as well as my mother. I am supposed to be smart yet I do awful at school because I don't do anything work. My parents honestly don't check my grades all that often, but when they find my 0s they get so pissed. I used to be annoyed at them for getting mad, but I understand that my lack of trying is a slap in the face to their hard work. There's a bunch of more examples but I'm not going to go into them. I already assumed a lot of this but hearing it aloud really manifest my guilt. What I used to see as aggressive I now see as assertive. Pestering is now caring. I never knew a lot of detail about either of my parents. Not even some of their most important opinions. But today during my mother's monologue she said she doesn't care who we marry as long as they stand by us. She said she wouldn't care if I was a lesbian or my brother was gay. And I'm forever happy. I really want to write more but it already been over am half hour. And I'm already starting forget even though I badly want to remember this forever. Business is already turning to normal but that's okay. Maybe this is too personal and gushy to post online, but there something I really want to emphasize. I was mad at my mother not understanding me and my mother wanting me to talk to her more, even though I know so little about her. That's what sparked this and now I realize I was the one who didn't understand her at all. It is so easy to misjudge someone, it doesn't matter how long you have know them for, but you never really fully can understand them. People are very subjective creatures and our thoughts and actions are thing that are hard to understand by others. Just take a second look at everything. Lighting changes everything.
