#moopuck!

Dream Journal 2017-07-26: Fish Davidson Creates The Most Distracting Sport Ever

We’ve got a new contender for best televised sport, and it’s called “Moopuck!” Yes, there is an exclamation mark in the name. The game literally depends on excitement to work, which is why it needs the exclamation mark. Are you ready to learn about Moopuck!? TRICK QUESTION! HELL YEAH YOU’RE READY TO LEARN ABOUT MOOPUCK!

Here’s what you need to play:

A heavy and solid ball that is larger than a softball but smaller than a bowling ball; this is the titular Moopuck!

Five boxes (usually wooden) that are approximately the same dimensions as a bowling pin, and are called “towers”

Five circular pucks (usually wooden) that are about the size of someone’s open palm

Various obstacles

The ability to scream a lot

Lots of space

Several disposable shirts

A reasonable ability to avoid injuring bystanders (or the ability to avoid lawsuits from injuring people)

The pins and pucks are set up in an area referred to as the “Blast Zone.” The towers are placed upright closest to the center of the Blast Zone, and the pucks are placed in a circle surrounding the towers. Ideally, you would place the towers and pucks in the middle of an area already crowded with obstacles or people. But you can also disperse obstacles throughout an empty field of play... IF YOU’RE WEAK OR SAFETY-MINDED!

These obstacles can be anything: books, people, chairs, ramps, or anything that has the potential to get in the way of a straight shot between the players and the Blast Zone. Players can move in a circle around the Blast Zone, but cannot get any closer than 5-10 meters away from the center of the Blast Zone.

NOW WE ARE AT THE PART WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS!

Decide on who gets to go first. Play rock, paper, scissors or fight each other in gladiatorial combat. The exact method isn’t important; just agree on an order of play. The first player takes their Moopuck! (never forget the exclamation mark!) and begins screaming as loudly as possible. If you’re really talented at screaming, your shirt will explode from your body like you’re about to get into a fight with someone from Dragon Ball Z. Traditionally, players scream the word “Mooooooooo!” but really any word is acceptable.

If you are not able to scream so hard that your shirt explodes, you can just scream with as much power as you can muster and furiously remove your shirt. I dunno why that’s a rule, but it is. Now that you are shirtless, you have approximately three seconds to lob the Moopuck! toward the Blast Zone. You can roll the Moopuck!, or throw it, or bounce it. Just get it to hit the pucks and/or the towers.

The towers and pucks will scatter from the Moopuck! collision. Points are awarded based on how far the pucks and towers land from the Blast Zone. Anything that doesn’t leave the Blast Zone doesn’t get points. Then the next player has a chance to block. Player Two screams and explodes their shirt (as is customary) and hurls the Moopuck! at the towers and pucks. If Player Two is lucky, they will knock one or more pieces back into the Blast Zone. Points are tabulated for Player One. Set the towers and pucks back up in the initial configuration, and Player Two will take their turn to earn some points via shirt exploding and hurling the Moopuck!

Once you reach an arbitrary number of points, the game is over and the player with the most points wins.

If you are a sensible and reasonable person, you’ll probably play this game in a place like an empty gymnasium. But I was a professional douchebag and liked to play in the middle of classrooms and auditoriums when class was in session. Most of the time we couldn’t get past a single round before getting ejected from wherever we had set up. But the most important thing is that it was fun for everybody involved (who didn’t get hit by wayward projectiles).