#moonman95

When I'm ready to go, I'm not leaving a note. I hate repeating myself and I've already said everything that needs to be said. After a certain point, one gets tired of having to explain themselves. If you weren't listening the first time, too bad. I literally left & saved a trail of messages for those who didn't get it while I was alive or ignored me until it was too late. I'm not sorry for leaving either. To my own credit, I survived much longer than I expected.

Hard to focus on bettering yourself when all you can dream and think about is death. Consciously knowing my fate unfortunately means none of this shit matters and nothing I do will actually have little influence to change that. I've been so transparent up until this point and time after time, I've been ignored, judged, belittled and betrayed for simply exposing my grief or pain. I have a hard time trusting people and really don't want to seek out help from another human I could never trust.

It's gotten to the point where I've begun to think I'd rather have never felt love at all than to have fake bullshit cloud my mind and trick my heart.

Why do I allow those who clearly don't think about me as much as I think about them have so much control over my emotions? Why does it feel like I'm impossible to love? Is it my fault? Past partners refuse to tell me what's wrong with me which drives me even crazier. How can every relationship I've had in the past end basically the same way and it not be my fault? What am I missing here? How can I find lasting love when apparently I'm not the issue? I know I'm not perfect but if all my past partners pretend or claim I am, then how am I supposed to grow/find a love that lasts? Why doesn't anyone keep their word and stay by my side? Why do people promise to love me yet cannot be there when I need them most? I make time for them. Most would suggest I focus on loving myself like that'll solve my problem but I've done that ever since I was lonely teenager. Now I'm an adult that generally likes himself but still manages to become a victim of people's fleeting emotions. I've created boundaries so I can be alone, which inherently speaking, is not a bad thing but no one should be alone for as long as I've had to. I think there needs to be a healthy balance between being alone and naturally allowing human connection to occur. When one takes precedence over the other causing imbalance, that's when issues arise.

Nevertheless, it feels like there's really nothing left for me here in this life. What do I have to look forward to? True independence feels so far away and a relationship seems like emotional suicide at this point. Attention/affection can be so misleading. Even when the love is real, who's to say it'll be consistent and stay? It certainly hasn't before. Whether I die now or later, what difference would it make? If my life up until this point is any indication as to how my future will look, I'm better off leaving sooner than later.

Strange Fruit.

Eventually the jokes end🤡⚰️ What's funny now, my life I joke about to cope with genuine anxiety/trauma, won't be funny when people realize much of it was a cry for help. I'm fun to laugh with. I'm funny to laugh at. But none of this is truly funny to me 🌍

I don't trust people enough to be straight up about how I feel; I usually tip toe around my main stressors in life. It's often not worth it opening up bc there's always that risk of being judged & I'm tired of criticism. I know better than to let myself stay in darkness for too long but it's just so tempting to let myself simply fade away into no longer caring, to only exist.

I never wanted a long life to begin with. The earliest I can recall having ideations was when I was only 12 years old. I've accomplished so much since then but it all feels meaningless. Accomplishments alone DOES NOT bring me lasting joy. Possessions DO NOT bring me lasting joy. Comfortability/Complacency bores me. I've fought for so long yet still feel as if I'm in the same situation unable to move forward. Life is simply existing when it lacks true fulfillment or purpose.

Many don't understand me bc they only know the current me. For over a decade I've suppressed & silenced the majority of my emotions/thoughts so it's no wonder others know little about me. Only now am I being so open/transparent about it which I'm aware scares some people into thinking I'm either crazy, dangerous or both.

On top of word choice individuals use when speaking directly to me, I can also sense tone of voice, read body language & facial expressions. Not to mention it's clear how most people in society likely view me based on how they choose to speak on others suffering from a diagnosed mental illness, simply labeling them as crazy for something they do not understand nor care to for that matter.

Whether it's directed at me or not, how one speaks on one person's illness/experience is often a good reflection of how they likely feel about the whole group suffering from a diagnosed mental illness (at least to some degree). Calling someone crazy who clearly needs help is an EASY way to piss me off even if I hide the feeling internally. I often listen to these words/phrases cringing & secluding myself further bc it's far more lonely being misunderstood in a crowd than it is to actually being alone.

I know how I'm percieved which only leaves me feeling more isolated & angry due to common misunderstandings about who I am. So I ask this question: Why bother trying to change the narrative? What am I staying for? I don't even love this world enough to stay long-term in the first place & I don't really care who understand this. I've said this many times in different forms yet I continue to wait/work for a change. Maybe next decade.