๐งโโ๏ธZombie Confessions๐งโโ๏ธ
I never wanted a long life to begin with. The earliest I can recall having ideations was when I was only 12 years old. I've accomplished so much since then but it all feels meaningless. Accomplishments alone DOES NOT bring me lasting joy. Possessions DO NOT bring me lasting joy. Comfortability/Complacency bores me. I've fought for so long yet still feel as if I'm in the same situation unable to move forward. Life is simply existing when it lacks true fulfillment or purpose.
Many don't understand me bc they only know the current me. For over a decade I've suppressed & silenced the majority of my emotions/thoughts so it's no wonder others know little about me. Only now am I being so open/transparent about it which I'm aware scares some people into thinking I'm either crazy, dangerous or both.
On top of word choice individuals use when speaking directly to me, I can also sense tone of voice, read body language & facial expressions. Not to mention it's clear how most people in society likely view me based on how they choose to speak on others suffering from a diagnosed mental illness, simply labeling them as crazy for something they do not understand nor care to for that matter.
Whether it's directed at me or not, how one speaks on one person's illness/experience is often a good reflection of how they likely feel about the whole group suffering from a diagnosed mental illness (at least to some degree). Calling someone crazy who clearly needs help is an EASY way to piss me off even if I hide the feeling internally. I often listen to these words/phrases cringing & secluding myself further bc it's far more lonely being misunderstood in a crowd than it is to actually being alone.
I know how I'm percieved which only leaves me feeling more isolated & angry due to common misunderstandings about who I am. So I ask this question: Why bother trying to change the narrative? What am I staying for? I don't even love this world enough to stay long-term in the first place & I don't really care who understand this. I've said this many times in different forms yet I continue to wait/work for a change. Maybe next decade.