Back&Forth
Today someone said they thought we were going to be together forever. They believed you all the times you said you found your person. I believed it too until you proved me wrong.
Healing from you has been one of the hardest, darkest, most painful things I have ever done. I feel like this breakup was harder to cope with than the abortion. I really didn't know if I wanted to commit to a baby and a life with back then, with him...but you. Oh,, you. You. MAW. You. I knew I wanted my life with you. I knew I wanted our lives to intertwine and grow up to the sky like a money tree. I wanted it til the day I left. Knowledge of Self but you really have no idea of who you are without those drugs in your system and that liquor killing your liver. I didn't care though, I wanted to ride that wave with you because deep down on the inside I know you're worth it, your potential is out of this world. I used to look in your eyes and see pain but someone who was looking for someone to find greatness with... I feel like you knew it too but it scared you... I wasn't scared though.
I never feel like I have to tell my side of the story because IDGAF what anybody thinks. They know at the end of the day, you know and I know the truth. And the couple times I have taken the time to break it down to a mf step-by-step to how we went from playing house with a baby, to being complete strangers who treat each other like opps... they always hit me with the "you ain't wrong" and I know I ain't because we are where we are because of you.
I HATE IT HERE. Life was so much easier with you in it. Not just because of the money but because we had a family, we took care of kids, we took care of each other, we took care of our dog, our cat, your business, your health, my health. We took trips, we danced together, we cuddled together, you even used to plan our wedding, the type of house we were going to move into and how we planned on raising the kids. Cleo was MINE. She was Moonie's girl. She came from Janisa but that Aries baby, that princess of our Irving Park tower was MINE. Everybody knew it too. I can barely remember her voice, but I'll never forget how she would call out for me whenever she woke up in the morning or whenever she wanted a cuddle or a kiss or a hug or just to be close to me. I gave you and her the purest love I've ever had to give. You robbed me of that. You took love from me I'll never get back and love from her she will never receive from someone else you bring around her.
But at the same time, I LOVE IT HERE. Life is much easier without you. I don't have to worry about you and all your damaged baggage, and I don't have to play a role I never tried out for. My life went right back to being about me and only me. I had to boas up and get it together, those are constant and will always be a thing but taking myself out of your chaos, calmed me down. It made me feel alone but I wouldn't say lonely. I got quiet but only because I was able to process my thoughts in my own space. I don't need an audience, I need peace. I need love. Strength. Good health and lots of wealth. I truly do not believe you would've been able to provide them all, but we should've worked on it. Cuz, you cannot find no one better than this, tried to do right by you but we can't mix. I tried.
