carnage ā leon kennedy
authorās note: this is a secondary piece to apathy, another fic of mine!! that fic was mostly a vent fic, as i wrote it to kinda soothe myself and my own worries about how i feel as a person. however!! this fic was requested to be significantly darker and sadder, so if you donāt vibe with that, then i have good news for u !! leon and reader actually lived happily ever after in that universe!! the original intent of that fic is that the reader just has the self perception of a bad person but is actually not at all!! but this fic⦠is not that haha..Ā
authorās note: if you see typos, no you donāt. theyāre not real. this fic is... really messy. i'm kinda ashamed but i've been working on it so long that i need to just post it lol.
word count: 5.3kĀ
content: leon x reader, sub!leon, dom!fem!reader, angst angst angst,Ā biting, hickieys, riding, choking, leon gets lightheaded and passes out, violent language. there's also a reference to a scene from apathy but from more of leon's recollection and memory! :)
warning: this fic is dark content, containing the topics and depictions of emotional abuse, manipulation, love-bombing ish, narcissistic reader, along with dubcon as reader doesnāt listen when leon expresses a boundary around choking.Ā
ā
notes:
āyouāre killing me here,ā he says, a soft tone to his gravel-like voice. he is tired, exasperated. you are ripping him apart, stealing any sense of joy from his aching soul. he gives and gives and gives and he doesnāt know how much longer he has in him before youā¦Ā before maybe he admits that you were right. maybe you would ruin him.
you donāt know the half of it, you think. maybe i will really kill you one of these days.
ā
leon is growing.. tired of you.Ā
not really. thatās a lie. he loves you dearly, so much that it kills him. you refuse to open up to him and he respects your boundaries. he just canāt keep begging you to let him in. he canāt do this forever.Ā
heās not mad that youāre closed off, that youāre a loner and youāre introverted. he accepts you for what you are. he loves you regardless, but canāt you see this hurts him? canāt you at least make an attempt to make him feel better? pushing him away only hurts him, and why did you agree to a relationship if you knew that all you were going to do is hurt him?Ā
he supposes you warned him. that beautiful night that he convinced you to let him stay in your heart. he looks back at that moment, how you looked close to tears, pushing him back, telling him that youāll ruin him and anything else you touch, and all he could think about is how badly he wanted to kiss you, to hold you close and wipe away the tears of frustration. heās fond of that moment, when you decided to stay with him. when you said youād take your time, move slowly, but youād eventually let him in. he just had to be patient.
but its been months, and leon hates being wrong, but he might have been that night.Ā
ā
leonās always seen the good in you. he admires how gentle and sweet you are. you say itās just a facade, and you know what? he doesnāt believe you. he knows youāre trying to protect yourself, but youāre lying. the version of you that you think is the real you is actually the facade. he knows it. he believes it, believes in you.
āi will begin to despise you if i let you in, you realize that, right?ā you said to him that night, and he just shook his head, smiling. he adores you, almost amused at how you were making yourself out to be an awful monster in hopes heād have understood that he could never fix you.
āand i will adore every moment of your resentment,ā he said, and then followed it up with a whisper, under his breath, one you might not have heard, āi will let you ruin me.ā
your touch is lethal, that much heās certain of. he knows youāre not trying to hurt him, heās convinced it's not in your nature to be intentionally cruel, āi wonāt get better. i wonāt change for you. this is what youāre stuck with.ā
but what was he supposed to do? listen to you? heed your warning? heās too foolish, too lovesick.
āitās okay,ā he reassures, reciprocating your harsh touch with his gentle one, fingertips making acquaintances with the way your skin feels in his grasp, the warmth of your touch. heās starting to feel like this beautiful monster in front of him is a lot more human than she feels, āi like you as you are.ā
-
leon doesnāt quite remember when you got so overbearingly possessive. maybe you were a little controlling, a little too demanding. it didnāt really make sense because anytime he tried to be possessive over you, you hated it. you certainly werenāt clingy. leon learned to control the instinct, the one that screamed in his head that you were his.Ā he gets it. youāre independent, not exactly into the jealous boyfriend type, sure. it only hurts his ego a little bit.Ā
he doesnāt really even remember when your behavior started going downhill. it was just like.. one day, he woke up, and you had left. not actually, you were just outside, but it feels symbolic somehow. he calls your name, and you donāt answer. he takes a couple steps closer, but he gets this eerie feeling heās stepping into dangerous territory. he wonders if he should turn back, give you some time and let your soul come back to your body.Ā
āi donāt love you,ā you said to him that day.Ā
it shattered him momentarily, but he knew your ways. he was aware of how you act and talk, your bluntness didnāt even surprise him anymore. he learned not to try and fight you on this stuff anymore.
thatās not true.. is what he wanted to say.
āā¦since when?ā is what he actually ended up saying.Ā
you sigh, āi donāt know. i just woke up today and i realized i didnāt love you anymore.ā
ādo you⦠feel love for someone else?ā he asks, but thatās not what heās really asking. leon would never believe you if you said you cheated on him. you donāt even like people. you could count on your hand the amount of people you liked to talk to.Ā
leon maintains being one of them, of course. how could he believe that you made a connection with another man when you can only tolerate him?Ā
so, what heās really asking is ādo you⦠feel anything right now?ā. sometimes emotions go away. sometimes you find yourself sitting outside in the early morning even though itās cold and youāre shivering, wondering why you donāt love your boyfriend anymore.Ā
he puts his jacket over your shoulders. that feels symbolic somehow too.
it usually passes, but thereās something so final in your tone. like⦠for the first time, leon was worried youāre being truthful. he was worried you didnāt love him.
he had every reason to be. you used to pull away and then come right back to him, and now⦠you almost seem to resent him. crazy, itās almost like you said this would happen. he hates that he was wrong about you, he hates that you were right.Ā
you flinch away when he touches you sometimes. your words are harsher than usual, more venomous, more lethal. youāre slipping away from him, youāre running away, and heās begging for you to come back to him. just come back to him.
and even now, he looks at you and you arenāt the girl he fell in love with. but maybe you never changed. maybe he has just been blind.Ā
maybe you were exactly who you said youād be.Ā
did you even want him? or would you get off anyway on taunting him?
did he mean anything to you?
-
āi am your⦠sculpture. your muse. i am everything you made me to be,ā he says softly, one day during a vicious argument (only one of you is truly venomous), his eyes still red from the tears you made him spill, āif you do not like me, or if you donāt like what iāve become, it is your own fault. i am only what you⦠did to me.ā
he says pretty words that tug on your heartstrings if only to get some kind of empathy out of you. youād normally scoff, spitting at him that he was a broken mess before you fixed him up, made him useful to somebody.Ā
āyou act like i ruined you. like i made you worse. i did not drag you down with me. we were both broken. both disasters who just wanted to be loved,ā you know youāre bullshitting just for pity points. doesnāt change the face that leon almost falters. almost gives in, lets you win. you were right, in a way. you were just being intentionally oblivious.Ā
āme wanting to be loved was⦠so much different. i wanted to be cherished andā¦held dear to you. you wanted a trophy that would make you feel better about yourself.ā
āi am not the monster you say i am,ā you scowl, finally he sees your harshness, your cruelty, and your dismissiveness in full force. how was he so blind?
āyouāre rightā¦ā he says, āyou⦠are so much worse.ā
āthen push me off of you, make me leave,ā you groan, pinning him down like a caged animal.Ā
āiām not⦠i..ā i stutters, looking up the ceiling, āoh my god..ā
āi am the only god you get to call out for,ā you say as you press kisses to his collarbone, āi hold that power over you. i am your god.ā
āi wonāt worship you anymore,ā he gasps, but his hands reach up to hold your hips, latching onto you for support and intimacy, like you are everything heās ever needed and he despises you for it, ānot what youāve become. i canāt accept thisā¦. version of you.ā
āthis is me, leon,ā your voice is distant. resigned. heās given up on you. and youāve given up on him.Ā
so why do you demand his reverence so desperately? if you didnāt want him to run, why didnāt you treat him right in the first place?
āi love you, you know,ā he says, tears pricking at his eyes, āi am just your design, molded to how you wanted me, but you designed me to love you⦠so thatās what i do.ā
āi didnāt ask you to destroy yourself for me.ā
ābut i did anyway,ā he closes his eyes, breathing ragged, ābut i did and i did it because i loved you. i did it so that maybe one day you wouldnāt run away from me if i loved you too much. i.. i donāt act overbearing or clingy like i am inside because i am horrified of you leaving me. if i try too hard, if i want you too much, if am too desperate for your company⦠i will lose you. i canāt live with that.ā
āthen why do you call me worse than a monster? if you need me so badly?ā
ābecause i..Ā i wanted you to destroy me and build me anew. recreate me in your image so you could have exactly what you wanted. make me exactly what you wanted!ā heās desperate for you to understand, but you never will. you donāt know desperation like he does, āi.. i just made the naive assumption that you would love your creation more than you loved what i used to be. that somehow.. if i let you ruin me, youād finally love me.ā
āi do love you,ā you whisper, voice heavy with a tragedy you are all too familiar with.
āno⦠you donāt love anyone,ā he bites, his teeth grazing his own lip like he would draw his own blood, ānot even yourself. youāre incapable.ā
āthen it is your fault..ā you say, cruelty laced into your voice, but how could you not be cruel when leonās finally biting back? āyou did this to yourself. you ruined yourself for someone you knew couldnāt love you.ā
he feels broken. betrayed. how is this his fault? how could you hate him so intensely? how could you want him to suffer? do you enjoy watching him suffer? is that the only way he can make you happy anymore?
is that the only thing you want from him? his suffering? his tears?
does he give that to you? just⦠as one final way to make you happy? heād ruin himself again and again to please you if you said so.
heād give you anything.
you push him down, and he stumbles back onto the bed, looking up at you nervously. he notices the look in your eyes, the look of possession, you see him like an object or a toy. maybe he is. a trophy. you look at him like heās something that makes you feel proud to carry around. leon kennedy. heās a survivor, he's a killer, been through literal hell on earth. yet⦠your hands on him make him feel weak. he feels like heās 21 again, on that bridge holding onto the last girl that dug her nails into his heart.Ā
āyouāre fucking mine,ā you growl in his ear, and he gasps and shudders, when did you get so close to him? you canāt put your hands on him like this, you canāt do this, his mind will go numb to the pain you cause and suddenly heāll be held beneath you, inescapably yours.Ā
āyou.. you need to⦠oh my god..ā he was so close to saying it. so, so close. he tries so hard to push you away. to get you off of him. not in a way that he couldnāt stop you if he really didnāt want this. but that's just it; heās trying to convince himself that he doesnāt want you for his own sake.
you make it so hard to hate you, truly.Ā
āyouāre mine,ā you growl in his ear, your nails digging into him like claws of a predator into its most delicious prey, āi own you. say that back to me.ā
he cries like a baby, hating that he was naive enough to believe that the devil could love him, she could never love him and he could never please her enough to make her stay, āiām yours, and.. and you own me,ā he says, sniffling. he buries his head into the pillow. you push him, hold him down like heās your captive. he might as well be.Ā
āand that means i own your pretty body, doesnāt it?ā you smirk, god this control over him has always been addicting. you.. really own him.
āy-yeah..āĀ
āthat means i can do whatever i want with you, doesnāt it? i can break you in every way possible, like a girl scribbling on and cutting the hair of her barbies. you donāt exist outside of me, outside of my pleasure.ā
-
āfuck, youāre so hot when youāre sad..ā you groan as you press kisses to his hip, and he didnāt even realize you had gotten his shirt off and his pants pulled down. he must have dissociated again. he sighs, upset but unable to will himself up to stop you.
at least youāre trying to please him, he supposes. your hands wandering all over him makes him feel alive, but he wonders if youāre imagining wrapping your hands around his throat and squeezing until he stops moving. maybe you would take a liking to killing.Ā
or maybe itās just because itās leon. leon is your weak, pathetic boyfriend that youāll play with like a ken doll until youāre bored of him, and then youāll either put him out of his misery or leave him to rot. maybe murder is mercy for him. the worst part is he looks just like a ken doll, blue eyes and blonde hair, except heās a bit more broken. a bit scarred. damaged. is that why you donāt want him? heās not perfect enough?
and then it happens.Ā
everything stops, his breath catches in his chest, he flinches almost like heās surprised you still had it in you, but you kiss him. itās not possessive and dark and commanding like he expects, like heās begun to tolerate, but itās you. itās your softness, hidden underneath, that gentle lover that he misses so desperately. sheās back. sheās real again.Ā
you rest your forehead against his as you pull away from the kiss, leon chasing your lips briefly before remembering this is your moment, at your pace, but heās looking up at you like you put the stars in the sky, his eyes sparkling with magic and passion and hope he hasnāt felt in a while.Ā
ācome back to me..ā he whispers gently, āi miss you.ā
āi.. know,ā you frown, and leon can tell you feel guilty. you are the monster in his nightmares, but you are also his guardian angel, āi told you, leon-ā
āi know you did, i- i donāt want to fight with you right now,ā his eyes flutter closed as you press your lips to his forehead, god he feels so cared for in moments like these.
but he knows theyāre not real. he knows this version of you isnāt real, that your love is a false pretense and he is a fool for being swept off his feet by such an obvious facade. a monster that loves you is still a monster.
and leon knows it. knows that you love him, despite his insecurities and doubts. maybe it was safer or easier to ponder whether or not you loved him, to listen to you when you said you didnāt, instead of realizing that you did⦠just not enough.
he feels your grasp on his waist, the way your hands and mouth ravage his body. he knows youāre possessive, but it still shocks him how truly cruel you are.Ā
āpleaseā¦ā he whimpers, ābe gentle with me..ā
āah, leon.. survived the apocalypse but canāt handle his girlfriend biting him a little too hard..ā you chuckle, and itās soft and youāre being sweet with him again and everything is okay.Ā
ādonāt be like that, come on. it still hurts,ā his voice is shaky, making you smile. such a sadist.
ādonāt be such a baby,ā you tease.
ājust- okay, fine, but i donāt want any hickies or bite marks or anything. n-not anywhere visible, at least,ā he stumbles when your fingertips drag across his collarbone, āplease, baby. i need to hide them, my⦠my coworkers will get worried.ā
he sees it in your eyes. mercy. begging always saved him.
āhmm⦠open your mouth,ā you say, and heās not even trying to follow the command, but the surprises causes his jaw to drop slightly, and you lean closer, before spitting directly into his mouth.Ā
your saliva tastes like your favorite flavor of gum, and leon smiles as he recollects that fact. itās sweet of you to only do something like that to him when it wouldnāt be entirely unpleasant. maybe you didnāt think it out that far, but he likes to think you did. he wants to think you were considerate. he groans as he swallows it without even having to ask, almost sounding dehydrated, like you are his lifeline.Ā
your intentions, while a tad bit humiliating, are not cruel. but again, youāre showing possession. leon is yours to do whatever you please with. itās marking your territory, in a way.
āthank you..ā he shudders, hands clutching your arms, keeping you close. heās not truly grateful, but heās learned his place.Ā
āyouāre welcome,ā your tone is condescending, but leonās thoughts are too far away to realize that. all he knows how to do anymore is be obedient.
a brief silence settles for a moment, as you rest atop of him, gazing at him like a predator does their next meal.Ā
ādo you⦠want to fuck me now?ā he asks awkwardly, cringing at how completely uncool he is.Ā
maybe someone else would laugh at his lack of charisma, but you just smile softly.Ā
āis that what you want?ā in truth, he does want this. he does want you. and he prides himself on giving you whatever you want, everything, absolutely anything. itās too bad all you know how to do is take.
he sighs, feeling heavy-hearted and drained. he canāt pinpoint why, āi love you. do whatever you want.ā
you blink, and he wonders for a moment if you feel guilty again, but part of him can tell youāre not.
you narrow your eyes. he seems.. broken down by this point. honestly, ābroken downā might not exactly be the right wording. ābroken inā might be more appropriate. like a pair of boots that are only comfortable once you rough them up a little.Ā
itās at that moment that he realizes the softness he saw in you just now is fading away rapidly, replaced again by the monstrous beast that is his darling lover. at least sheās familiar now. itās his fault. you are exactly who you said you were. he should have believed you.Ā
he thinks this is it, that this is the last time heāll get to have you before you leave him. you steal all of his sunshine like a parasite, robbing him of all of his life energy and taking it for yourself. the only way you can feel whole anymore is to take leon apart and use him for everything his mortal body and soul has to offer.Ā
he remembers being the light in your life, cheering you up when you were down. you were his moon, and he shined his light onto you like the sunlight gives way to moonlight.Ā
but that isnāt real anymore. you arenāt the damaged but loving person he used to know.Ā
āare you⦠going to leave after?ā he asks. heās pouting ever so slightly but he doesnāt realize it.
you just gaze at him, eyes soft but knowing, and he canāt help but crying. he tries so hard not to be clingy or ātoo muchā. makes himself less and less to make you comfortable.Ā
āplease donāt leave me,ā he cries, āplease, i canāt bear to think about it. my⦠my love, please..ā
part of him feels like if he lets you leave again, you wonāt ever come back.
he canāt understand why heās so desperate for you to stay. he feels your hand around his neck as you lean in close to kiss his shoulder, you donāt squeeze but your presence is known and feared just like you like it, your other hand falling lower and lower untilā¦Ā
leon canāt fathom just how wrong he was about you, about everything in general, but what hurts the most is putting the timeline together. it starts with him realizing he loved you. you realizing you loved him. the gentle, sweet months he got to spend with you. sure, you were unconventional, but heās not the nuclear family type either.Ā
to him realizing you didnāt love him, actually.Ā
to then realizing that you did love him, but not enough to change for him. that one hurt the most.Ā knowing that youāll always choose your comfort over him.
and to finally coming to terms with the fact that your love is strong and real but it is rotten, that you and your heart are corrupting him and made something tragic out of him.Ā
he sighs, letting it all happen. he might as well let you have what you want. he feels your hand rubbing against the fabric of his pants over his crotch, teasing him.Ā
heās almost happy youāre using him one last time for sex. itāll give him something to distract his mind from the sadness thatās creeping into his heart.
āi think⦠my boy needs to feel good.. so he can stop thinking sad thoughts..ā your free hand pulls his sweats down and feel him up over his boxers, and he hates that heās getting hard. that he likes this. he likes being taken by the big, bad monster.
he lets you touch him, lets you strip him down both metaphorically and physically, until heās bare, a blank canvas ready to be ruined. he has literal scars from bites that drew blood, teeth bared into his skin like youāre trying to consume him alive.Ā
maybe you are.
this isnāt intimate sex between two lovers. this is carnage. this is ravaging, taking what is rightfully yours. it may not be violence in its usual form, but you are no less deadly.Ā
you really canāt help yourself when you have the urge to grab his throat, can you? hold his life in your hands, why donāt you?
he wants to make love to you, to hold you close like he used to, fuck you until your mind let go of its need to be in control, to be apathetic and composed and cold and just let you be the soft soul he knows is in there, fucking somewhere in there.Ā
instead of that, he gets something completely different. claiming. ownership. you mark your territory like an violent dog, biting and scratching and ruining him until everyone else in his life got the hint that he wasnāt allowed to play with anyone else.Ā
youāre violently possessive, thatās the only way he can put it. and even now, when he should be kissing you and moaning in your ear about how good you feel around his cock, how perfect you are for him, how he wants to be good for you, exactly what you want in your man, he.. canāt.Ā
all he can do is whine and whimper like an injured puppy.Ā
instead of kissing you, heās begging for mercy. instead of making love to you, heās lost in a daze of pain, mixed in with the pleasure of his cock buried inside of you. your teeth fucking hurt when you bite him like a damn vampire. just like the last time you were in a possessive mood, you bite him hard enough to make him bleed.
āi⦠i love you,ā he whimpers after the fact, his voice is shaky like heās desperate, āi love you but youāre⦠i donāt like it when youāre like thisā
āwho do you belong to?ā you ask, suddenly.Ā
it feels unrelated, but even though leonās eyebrows furrow at the question, he responds, like itās an instinct, or rather more itās a response heās gives hundreds of times, āyou. itās.. always gonna be you.ā
ā⦠i love you too, you know. sometimes i think you donāt believe me,ā rich coming from the āi donāt love anybodyā girl, he thinks, ābut i do. iām always gonna love you. you just donāt like the way i love you.ā
ābecause the way you love me is killing me.ā
āiām not a killer. you asked me to let you in. this is the real me, leon. if you donāt like what you see⦠then donāt look.ā
āi do but i-ā
āyou wish you were the exception to the rule. you want to be the reason i change. honestly, leon? iāll never get better. and i told you that months ago, but you never listened. you thought you could fix me.ā
āyou arenāt broken,ā he whispers.
āthen why do you insist on changing me?āĀ
he scoffs, āthatās rich coming from you.ā he knows youāll get annoyed at him for his sass, but he canāt help it. youāre a violent hypocrite and he adores you, but he canāt ignore the irony of you feeling forced to change.
you tighten your grip on his neck, and he should have told you months ago but he hates being choked. brings up old memories that heād rather not remember. he doesnāt really know why he lets you do it, why he tolerates it. maybe itās because you seem so pleased to be in control of his life like that. he canāt afford to piss you off too much. you might like murder a little too much.Ā
āwhy do you insist on fixing me?ā you ask again. loosing up your grip to let him talk.
āi⦠i never wanted to fix you. i just wanted you to love me. i wanted⦠to make you happy.ā
he lets out the cutest gasp when you finally use your free hand to pull his cock free, not even bothering to pull his boxers down all the way.
āawh, youāre still so soft, baby. do you not want me?ā you taunt him, and he quickly tries to reassure you, shaking his head.Ā
ān-no! i do! i want you, just.. just give me a second..ā he stutters helplessly, but his voice gives out when you lean down to kiss his hip bone, and then your lips trail down lower and lower, adoring his thighs with the remnants of your lip gloss, āoh godā¦ā
heās pretty. pretty like a prey animal.Ā
you decide that maybe its not fair to him that heās almost butt naked and youāre still fully clothed, so you undress too. leon appreciates that you do it to please him.Ā
āi⦠youāre so fucking pretty,ā he whimpers, begging you to kiss him again. can he just pretend like youāre making love? instead of⦠whatever this is?Ā
his cock isnāt super big, so itās not hard to fit inside, especially since heās just barely getting hard. seeing your body was enough to get him going. he likes everything about you. every beauty mark or mole or freckle, every scar and each divot and curve, he adores you.
your smile isnāt appreciative. it is greedy. avaricious. you.. need more of him.Ā
āyou feel⦠so perfect inside of me..ā you groan, the grip on his neck tightening as he obediently rocks his hips up to fuck you. his hands grasp at the sheets, white knuckles displaying how tense he feels.Ā
a shaky, almost fearful moan escapes his throat, āplease.. please donāt squeeze that hard.ā
again, leon doesnāt like being choked.. so many times heās almost been killed, and yet⦠you donāt seem to care. you donāt squeeze hard enough to make him pass out, but heās getting lightheaded, so much so that youāre having to pick up the slack of bouncing on his cock since heās unable to keep pace. he just lays there helplessly while you steal away his life.
āleon..ā you tease, holding in a giggle, and trying to stir his attention, but his eyes get cloudy and he canāt focus on you, canāt look you in the eye meaningfully.
all he can respond with is a half-hearted attempt at a āhuh?ā. itās honestly kind of cute how easily fucked out he gets. you ease up, and he breathes deeply for the first time in a couple minutes, gasping out āthank youās like you just saved his life instead of almost killing him.Ā
āiām sorry you got stuck with someone like me, baby,ā you murmur, youāre not really sorry. tears fall down his cheeks, and you lean down to lick them up like a dog drinks her water. he cringes, disgusted at the feeling, but you own him so intrinsically.. how could he ever stop you from doing exactly what you wanted to him? this was your world. he just lived in it.
ā
leon wakes up the next morning, expecting to be alone in your shared bedroom after you had left. youāre not completely awful, you clean him up and bandage any cuts after you finished with him⦠and leon realizes he doesnāt exactly remember anything after you choking him a little too aggressive, he must have passed out. did he cum even while unconscious? heās almost impressed.
he doesnāt remember you leaving, just the looming thought in his mind that you will leave. there was no doubt about it.
youāre not there, clearly, and he doesnāt hear you anywhere in the bathroom or in the kitchen. the silence is deafening.Ā
maybe youāre on a walk to clear your head?Ā
maybe⦠youāre really gone.
but your stuff is still at home, so he thinks you might still stay. he cant decide if thatās a good thing. sure, he canāt exist without you, so codependent itās pathetic, but⦠youāre not exactly good for him. maybe itād do him some good to pull himself together and get over you. if he even can.
he loves you. helplessly. desperately. but you love his pain more than you love him. thatās the truth and thereās no denying that. you are.. exactly who you said youād be. itās his fault for not believing you.














